Friday, October 11, 2013

Ode to Charlie Brown (the dog)

Today I'm at home sick because my stomach has been uber weird. I feel better today but to play it safe (also because I really really did not want to go to work today.. that's another blog post in and of itself) I stayed home again today.

Basically all morning, I've been kind of sad and been thinking a lot about my friend who passed away 4 years ago. I have amazing friends though and God really is so good because out of no where my friend who I thought was done being friends with me last year texted me saying, "Reminder of the day: You are an amazing friend." At a time when I feel like I have no friends because I'm such a bad one, to get that text just really made my day. Well one of my best friends KO dropped by the other day and it totally made me cry because I felt so unbelievably loved by her. She lives NO WHERE NEAR me.... and she happened to be in the area and decided to surprise me! I love surprises... especially from people that I love.

So anyway, I've been feeling super down and very unlovable because I basically told this guy that I really liked him and his response was basically that he was still in love with his ex-fiancee.... if that isn't a big fat no then I don't know what is.

BUT ANYWHO. Onto my (house mate's) awesome dog!

Charlie Brown aka Charles Barkely aka Chuck
Yesterday, my house mate told me that sometimes, when he's home and I'm not, the dog, Charlie Brown (he's a chocolate lab) will lay down by my door.... Call me ridiculous but I got a little teary. I always thought that he didn't really care about me because he's got a great owner and the owner's S.O. also has been getting lots of love. But he actually does miss me when I'm not at home! Can dogs get any better than that? I don't think so. And then just now, I decided it was time to play some music on the keyboard and maybe try to sing a little (only sad songs of course) and he came over and put his head on my lap... ON MY LAP. As if he knew that I'm not feeling great.

It's official. I love Charlie Brown aka Charles Barkley the dog. He is my favorite dog ever. EVER. He may be a little dumb and a lot stinky, but man, is he lovable.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Four years ago today

Four years ago today, I did my first half marathon (without really training for it) and didn't tell anyone. Therefore, no one at church knew why I wasn't at church. I got a text from one of my really good friends telling me that she missed me that day and was sad that she didn't see me. Little did I know that it was the beginning of the end.

This year I am amazed at how true it is that time is the only thing that can heal wounds. I'm not saying that this wound is completely healed, but it's getting there. It's finally getting there.

When she texted me that she had missed me, I did think it a bit odd. She had a lot of other friends so for her to notice me not there was interesting. I told her that I would definitely be there the next week. She wasn't but instead we went to hang out in the middle of the week. We watched Zombieland in theaters and there I had the most memorable conversation in my whole life. I remember every word. Every look (even though we were in the movie theater). How I felt. How carefully I chose each word. I remember this conversation more than I remember the last in person conversation we ever had. She asked me how it felt or why I chose to try to commit suicide twice. And I told her. Then I told her that it wasn't worth it. That I saw how much I would have missed out on but also how much my friends and family would have missed me. I told her that while yes, I believe a person who commits suicide goes to heaven, it isn't necessarily the way to go. I didn't press her for more information although not a day goes by where I wish I had. I thought I was being respectful to her wishes.

The next conversation we had was when we went to lunch, just the two of us after church. She said things were getting better and I believed her. It was her birthday week. I remember smiling more than the last conversation we had.

Two days later it was her birthday. I texted her that I hoped she was having a great day with her boyfriend that flew down and that I loved her. I thank God every day that I told her one last time that I loved her.

Because the next morning she hung herself. And that evening I got the worst call of my whole life telling me what had happened.

Today is hard. Unfortunately, the next few weeks will be even harder.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

More wacky dreams

The past few nights I spent at my parents' house. And as the title suggests, I had some weird dreams. These two I remember with more detail than any other.

The first one was a few nights ago so I don't remember too much but I was running from someone or chasing someone. What I do remember was that it was very stressful and there was a lot of pressure weighing on me to get away from or catch this person. Weird that I cannot, for the life of me remember which it is. All I remember is the immense amount of pressure. I didn't feel like I, or any other person was going to die, just a lot was riding on the outcome of this pursuit.

The other was either last night or the night before (whenever I say that I always think "24 robbers came a-knockin' at my door). And basically, again there was some kind of immense pressure ... but I was at a beach of some kind. It was a very popular beach and I was there with some friends but then I met up some other people that I knew as well. I was this awesome surfer (of course this is my dream) that was catching some waves at one end of the beach, and then walked over to the other side where I met more people. Some how, I got wind that there was going to be this gigantic wave but not in a good way. To the point where it would wash people away. And for some reason, no one knew but me and also no one believed me. So I had to race back over to warn every one but by that time the waves had started getting bigger and bigger and washing up on the shore farther and farther up. People just thought it was the tide but something was wrong. So I kept telling people to get off the beach but instead of evacuating, they just laughed and kept going further up. And then I couldn't find my own stuff, like my board, phone, clothes.... It was weird. The next thing I remember is that I'm looking literally into a wave and I see a whale and a shark. It's like a wall of water. If you've seen Evan Almighty it's like that scene when the wave comes up to wash over the ark.

Anyway, it's safe to say that my dreams were about pressure. And no wonder. I take the MCAT for the third and final time this week. After this, it's over. I call it quits on my dreams of being a physician. Le sigh. no pressure right? bleh

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

More dating drama.. Meh

First and foremost, this song:

So about a month ago, I downloaded this app on my smartphone called Tinder. For the gay community out there, it's like Grinder, for straight folks. Well, you can look for a gay relationship on it too but yeah. Honestly it is SO MUCH FUN. It's very satisfying. You get to know right away if a guy has "hearted" you, and it's uber quick. It connects you according to where you are and how far away you want your connection to be, your interests on Facebook, and the photos you choose from your Facebook. Fast. Convenient. Easy.


So to be completely honest, I connected with two guys from it. One is an engineer, I'll call him Tony and the other is a DJ/Digital media designer and I'll call him Caleb. Both are taller than  me, have blue eyes and are white. That's pretty much where the similarities end.

Caleb is nice enough, makes me laugh, and communicates with me every day. He texts me when he wakes up, throughout the day, and then before he goes to sleep. It's super nice knowing that someone really wants to talk to me like that! However, he's kind of a jerkface. He's already gotten annoyed/angry with me twice (about being late/not communicating well) and then kind of text-yelled at me today because I joked around about what my doctor appointment was about and he didn't think it was funny. But I'm hesitant to break it off because he does make me laugh and we do have a good time together...

Tony and I have the same taste in music and we bonded over that. He's super nice and is really good at making plan when he wants to make plans.. but therein lies the issue. He's not that responsive when I want him to be. Haha. He's super nice and attentive when we're physically together, but when we're not, it's like I don't exist. Well, I'm being pretty dramatic about that but I'm Korean so it's in my blood.... So it's probably not like I don't exist but rather that I'm just not a priority. There's the other issue...

So maybe a while ago I realized that I actually do  want to be in a serious relationship. Okay not like marriage but more than just dating casually. I'm still fine being single but something a few months ago spurred me to say "Hm, I guess it'd be kind of nice to share ______ with someone. And have someone care about me in a different way than everyone else does." It might have been when I was sort of seeing this other guy and he was totally  playing with my emotions. So basically, I want to be a priority in someone's life too... And for Tony it seems like he's pretty okay with me as priority 3 or below. I duno.

Anywho. I like Tony better (I'm sure that's obvious) but I do like Caleb to a certain extent.

In the end, Love STINKS.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Joy vs happiness

Oh hello... I haven't blogged in forever. BUT I wanted/needed to blog about something a pastor said yesterday. He pastors my home church but since moving I haven't found (honestly even started to look for) a new one in my new city. It's just so taxing to find a new community. Anyway.

So Pastor Lee just got back from short-term missions and his sabbatical in Cambodia and Korea (respectively). He said something that I haven't thought about in a long time. He said that people usually tell him that when they're doing short-term missions they're filled with this feeling that they can't describe. And he said it's joy. Rather than happiness. Because after they leave that place, it stays with them and permeates their respective lives.

I can totally testify to that. Additionally, I realized that's what has been missing from my life for a long time. And as he was talking, I remembered how great I felt during the number of times I've done short-term missions. The first time I went in grade 7 to Mexico opened the door to my love of Latin culture and wanting to learn Spanish til the last time in 2009 in Cambodia. As I got older, I was given more responsibilities not just in terms of leadership, but with caring for people and spiritually. It stretched me but in the best way possible. And the joy lasted for so long...

After being disconnected from a church body for about six months the difference between happiness and joy have become very apparent to me. I experience way more mood swings and it's because I don't have that amazing underlying joy but rather fleeting happiness. I can give love to others but because of the lack of love that I have for myself (and therefore not feeling the grace that I know have and receive daily) I am unhappy and not filled with joy.

I can't explain the difference really. Just that joy doesn't really depend on feelings; rather, it is a lasting, peaceful, content feeling. Words don't really do it justice. You can have joy but experience "negative feelings" as well. I remember the first time I realized that I had joy while actually experiencing it (rather than just looking back and realizing that I had joy). In that moment, I was also happy... Joy + Happiness = Absolutely amazing.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Another friend married

On Saturday, one of my childhood friends got married. I had the honor of being in her bridal party. Unfortunately it's one of those things that I felt honored but it also made me very sad.

No no. Not in that way... the "pity me I'm still single" way. In the way that.... well. My friend who got married, our friend who passed away a few years ago, and I were incredibly close for many years. And seeing her happy and getting married makes me so happy for her, do not doubt that for one second... but I can't help but think that in my place it should be our friend. She would've been the more obvious choice.

As I watched her get ready for her wedding so many thoughts ran through my head: how happy I was for her, how proud I was of her for being able to evolve and incorporate another so well into her life, how sad I was that our friend was not physically there to show her how happy she was for her... I only got a little teary twice. Once when we got her dress on her finally and all the bridesmaids took a step back and looked at how amazing she looked. And then the other time was when each bridesmaid took their solo photo with her. I went last and as I walked up we looked at each other and we had this interesting silent conversation with our eyes and we both got choked up. I think we both were thinking about our friend and how it would have so much more complete with her there.

I was talking to my friend KO after the wedding and basically processing everything that happened... I made her pick me up from the reception because I felt SO awkward (of course after all the bridesmaids' duties were over) because literally the only people I knew there were my parents and the bride. I was processing with KO and I realized this: I was the sole representative of her past. But what's more, is that I wasn't there just as myself and her past, but I was there as myself and our friend that is gone. I was playing two roles the whole time and had finally just realized it after the whole night was over. It didn't feel bad. Honestly, it felt a tad bit more right. It wasn't complete without the third Christine there.. but (and maybe I'm giving myself too much credit) with me being there, it felt much more complete.

Anyway, I think that was the toughest wedding to be at (let alone be a part of) and I am just so happy that my friend was sent off well.

Monday, May 27, 2013

My Ode to UC Davis.

Once an Aggie, always an Aggie. Yes other colleges/universities may have the Aggie as their mascot as well (and they may be that much better at ICA sports than us but whatever!) .. but Davis students OWN it. Yes for a bit when you first get to Davis you have no idea what an Aggie is or what it stands for but as your years go by you learn to love it. And Gunrock. Which is the name of our mascot. And yeah a lot of Davis students may go through their whole career not knowing that but you know what? Doesn't matter.. Because honestly, most UC Davis students I meet, absolutely loved their time at Davis.

Maybe I was in a weird bubble of a cappella nerds/dorks and RAs but honestly... I've met people who were not in those circles but truly cherished their time there. I might even venture as far to say, Davis has a certain charm about it that you just cannot deny. While I haven't been back to campus since I graduated, every year that goes by that I don't go back to visit makes me kick myself.

What spurred this ridiculous entry to express my love of Davis? Well a good friend of mine just got engaged to a really cool girl and I went up to Elk Grove for the engagement party and I got to drive by campus twice. I wanted to stop but I had things to do... I know I know ... woulda coudla shoulda.

But as I drove by, a huge smile broke across my face and this feeling of happiness and good nostalgia just took over. Gone was my annoyance that everyone in Yolo County drives like 10 below the speed limit and in its place was was good goood gooooooood vibrations! Haha sorry had to finish that song out. But really. Yes there was some drama at Davis, to the point where I lost a few friends but it made me into a better person (and yes that is competely cliche but I don't care... I'm writing a nostalgic post about undergrad for goodness sakes... I'm going to be cliche). And since then I've basically reconnected with those friends so really no harm done.

My first kiss was as an undergrad. The first time I sang by myself in front of strangers was at Davis. My first real long-term job was at Davis. The first guy to ever ask me for my number was at Davis (which was actually under super creepy circumstances but still). My first singing performance was at Davis. The first time I ever felt like people didn't judge me for not being book smart was at Davis. I found out I have ADD at Davis. My first celebrity encounter was at Davis! Davey Havok grabbed the mic and sang with my really good friend who happened to be standing right next to me and we smiled at each other. Mehehe.

I learned so much about myself at Davis. How to keep in touch with friends were hundreds of miles away. How to be a stronger person. How to stand up for myself. How to let people go.

Anyway. Any high school student that tells me, "I don't want to go to Davis.. there's nothing to do" I look them square in the eye and say, "If you go to ANY school with that attitude, you won't find anything to do anywhere." Yes Davis is your textbook college town but that means there are things to do any where and every where! You just have to look. I bet even if you went to UCLA with a sour puss attitude you wouldn't find much to do. Okay you might but it'd have to punch you in the face. Any college experience is what you make of it. And mine was awesome.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Sick to my stomach

Yesterday a doctor, Kermit Gosnell, (I'm not even going to go to the place where his name totally disgraces one of my childhood favorite beings, Kermit the Frog) was convicted of murdering three babies by cutting their spinal cords with scissors.

When I read the verdict and the testimonies of the witnesses, I was literally sick to my stomach. I read it on my break at work and I got teary. This was my first time ever truly feeling sick when reading an article. Don't get me wrong, I am completely pro-choice but this.... This was something else. The way the babies/fetuses were stored ("The remains of aborted fetuses were stored in water jugs, pet food containers and a freezer at the clinic" after to me shows that he knew he was doing something wrong. He was also convicted of involuntary manslaughter of this woman because he used too much anesthesia (which actually does happen but in his facility which was reported to be understaffed and also staffed with unqualified people, just makes the situation that much worse.)

His defense was that he was doing it for the good of low-income minority women. Honestly, I keep praying that this is true and somehow, at least one of one of these women will step forward... because I really can't stomach or process the fact that a person would have a baby be born and see it breathing... then cut the spinal cord. Why go that route?

If you can stomach sad things, here's an article about the trial:

and then an article about one of his patients:

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Dating... again. MEH again.

So I was/am kind of dating this guy and the other day KO asked my friend M and I, with all of our dating adventures... is there anything that is a "have to have." I had to think. And this guy... made me realize that one of the things that I "have to have" is that the guy makes plans. I know that sounds weird but let me explain. A person that makes plans for another is carving out time in their schedule to think up something that they think that the person they're going to hang out with enjoys doing. Think about that. The person planning spends time thinking but also wants to spend more time with the other person and wants to make them happy. I guess another way to put it, is that they are selfless. That's going to one extreme though. I'm not saying that I want roses, a candlelit dinner, and a carriage ride. What I'm saying is that I want my partner to think of me and plan something special. Sacrifice. Because honestly... I would do the same for them. (Yes that's a bit of a humble brag)

Even for platonic relationships I think this applies. Look at the girl that I almost cut out. And maybe this is my vice or something to do with my birth order. But really I just want to be shown that I'm special enough to the other person that they want to spend their precious limited time with me. Not their lawn. Not their car. Not their bros. And I know that sounds disgustingly needy but I'm not saying ALL the time. But like once in a while. And also if the romantic relationship is just starting, I think it should be even more! Haha. I feel like you should still be trying to "win the girl over" you know? Make her feel like she's a queen and that by being with her, you feel special. Okay maybe that's too much to ask. (Can you tell this is semi how I feel about the guy that I'm sort of seeing right now?)

But really. I think one of my non-negotiables is the guy needs to make me feel special once in a while. (But of course I'll take more often than that... I mean comon. :) really.)

Monday, April 29, 2013

Perks of being a wallflower

***HUGE spoilers****

On Friday night, a few of my closest friends and I watched "Perks of Being a Wallflower." It turned out to be actually pretty great... So it starts off by learning that the main character, Charlie, has been "away" after the suicide of his best friend... Doesn't seem like a happy movie right? Well it definitely gets better... With quite a turn at the end that was super surprising (because I hadn't read the book) but still. When Charlie basically finally gets the love interest (Emma Watson), it triggers his horrible experience of getting molested by his aunt.

It was amazing to me though how much at the end I identified with the main character. And scared me a bit. So I never was molested like he was but a close friend of mine did commit suicide and it was super difficult. And his breakdown was so... unbelievably real. He captured exactly how I felt. Well maybe not exactly but enough. If my friends weren't there... I probably would have sobbed. I cried but my back was to them thank goodness. His trigger with Emma Watson was something that I experienced after my friend was gone. There were so many triggers.. some bigger than others. What Emma Watson yells at him for too is something that I've been yelled at (well talked at for)... not looking out for my own happiness and not going for what I really want.

Finally, when Charlie snaps, he blacks out and wakes up in the institution. When the doctor asks him to let her help him, he responds with saying, "Just tell me how to make it stop... Stop seeing it. So much pain and I don't know how to not see it... Not me. It's them... I don't know how to stop it." And honestly.. I do feel like that. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but really. As I have gotten older, I am more aware of the pain that people go through. But not just people around me. People all over the world. For some odd reason, I feel partially responsible for the pain and suffering for those in terrible situations... Like I should be doing more and all I'm doing is sitting in my cushy job, doing nothing. I read about bombings, buildings collapsing, chronic malnutrition, etc and all I'm left is with this anger and sadness that it's all I'm doing about it. Reading. And stewing. I wish I could make it stop. I guess that's the other thing that I wish I could stop. Since high school, this underlying feeling of sadness/or something. Sadness isn't quite the word for it... I've never been able to pinpoint a good word for it... Anyway, I wish I could go back to when I was happier in life.. the person that everyone "remembers" me being. (Which actually is kind of funny because that happy-go-lucky person that people were seeing was definitely a mask). So I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I could mask my unhappiness more.

Anyway. Perks of Being a Wallflower was good... but also a painful reminder of the state that I will almost always be in.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

So much over six weeks!

First things first. Today is my brother's birthday... Hard to imagine that he's well into his 30s now.
Me and my brother at a rare moment in our childhood. I must have been like 4 so he was probably 7 or 8.
My brother will always be that guy that is "too cool for school." Not in that bad way. But more like... he just kind of is cool. Haha. I know that sounds weird but since we were kids, he was the cool sibling. My sister was the smart one (still with style) but my brother was just the cool one. It also could be that he was sporty the way I wanted to be. Anywho. Thus ends my ode to my brother. Haha.

My sister's birthday was 5 days ago! Haha. They used to gang up on me and tell me that was just another reason to prove that I was adopted because they were both born in April. As stated earlier, my sister is incredibly smart and to follow in her footsteps was not easy... but honestly it made me want to be better at school and be well-rounded. I have the best siblings. Really.

Anywho... the rest of my past 6 weeks have been insane. One day I completely overslept and missed work but then gave myself a migraine so I couldn't even enjoy my day off. BUT then that day I got to see the Idaho chapter of my extended familiy! Oh my GOODNESS was that fun. Four girls under the age of 12. All completely different personalities. And all so cute!

Also what's been happening in the past six weeks is that I have been becoming more and more disenchanted with the illustriousness of my job. I mean I answer on average 55 phone calls a day and process about 51 faxes.a day. Doesn't sound like much but couple that with meetings and trainings.... it can be no bueno. C'est la vie though. At least I have a job right? Right.

Oh I've been in and out of the dating scene as well which is weird. Sometimes I get really jazzed about it .. and then I'm like... Nah. Haha. Ah well. I guess when my life settles down a bit more I'll feel more inclined to actually date. Meh. :)

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Lost friendship

One of my friendships is ending. Before this point in time I think I would have been annoyed/upset but I'm pretty nonchalant about it. Maybe even more so this is why we shouldn't be friends anymore. I 've been feeling pretty snubbed by her so I think I saw it coming too. Don't get me wrong, it's not on bad terms. I think she just wants friends that are different from me.

Okay so I'm not completely nonchalant about it... Obviously I'm sad. I always had a good time when we hung out. I met a lot of really fun/cool people through her. She is a pretty selfless person that likes to have fun and no drama which is always a good person to have in life. I guess the final nail in the coffin was when she didn't even reply to my birthday invitation even though I tried incredibly hard to get to hers. She doesn't come to me anymore with issues too so I guess at best, we have become acquaintances. People who don't mind each other and will smile and make small talk when we encounter each other in public, but that's it.

I'm sure it's over because the friendship has become completely one sided (me to her and not back). I feel like when this happens and the person that you care about doesn't show the same feelings toward you, whether it is a friend or romantically, it's time to end the relationship. No?

Well anyway, I wish her the best and hope that she knows that I'll always be there for her. She deserves greatness because she is a wonderful person.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine's Day!

A year ago today I wrote a post that had to do with baking and I will share again!
Funfetti cupcakes some hearts some regular!
I didn't only make Funfetti cupcakes though (which is super cheating I know but I had a box leftover from my friend's party). You see a year ago today, I will employed by my old clinic which (honestly) I felt was taking a wee step backward. Today... I work at this amazing great company and completely enjoy my job and my team. Today we had yet another potluck in which I absolutely gorged myself and I made a red velvet cake that didn't turn out red because the interwebs lies sometimes. (I used beet juice but it baked out). 3/4 of the cake was left when I put it out on the counter and when I came back an hour later, it was gone! I was so happy! I don't have a photo of the cake but I have my photo of my spoils. 

There was actually a lot more I just... uhm. Ate it.
Yeah so once again my friends, happy Valentine's Day (GALENTINE'S DAY.. eheheh for those of you who watch Parks and Rec), Happy Red Day to my Koreans and feliz dia de San Valentin!

Monday, February 11, 2013

Dream recap(s)

So if you know me personally, you will know that I have never personally experienced a deja vu. Ever. I know what it is and everything I just have never had that experience. I have people describe it to me when it happens (and I always think of the Friends episode where Phoebe says, "I think I'm getting a deja vu..." and then Monica is like whatever and then repeats herself and then Phoebe exclaims, "There it is!!!!" Hahhah. 'Twas such a great show) but I can confirm that I've never  felt it.

However last night, I can't remember my dream completely but I know in my dream I experienced a deja vu. Does that count? Something was happening and I remember in my dream I said, "Woah, I think this is my first deja vu!" BUT I woke up in my dream and thought (as I was actually still really dreaming), "Wait, is this  a deja vu? Because I had a dream about a deja vu?" AND THEN I woke up for reals and was really confused. And tired. Haha

Last week I also had my first work dream. I was sitting and papers were "raining" and I was able to grab a couple and they were the forms that we use at work. Sigh. Le sad.

Why can't I have normal fantastic dreams? Honestly, I'd even appreciate a nightmare... Okay maybe I should knock on wood...

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Another loss

Last night I found out that my former youth pastor passed away. I hate the phrase "lost battle to cancer." He fought hard. When he was first diagnosed, it wasn't like he didn't try to get them to test for things before. That's what gets me mad. He went to the doctor a few times before diagnosis because he knew there was something wrong. I get it. Doctors get patients who are hypochondriacs but his PCP should know him and know that he is an extremely intelligent man and does not go to the doctor unless something is really wrong. Ugh. One of my biggest pet peeves.

Anywho. This is supposed to be about my youth pastor. So I have friends who are not Christian so they might not quite understand what this actually means to me. Or the gravity of the situation for me. This man basically shaped my faith. No, he did not "trick," "guilt," or "brainwash" me into the Christian faith. Rather he presented strong evidence, patience, and respect/love to a bratty teenager of how great and awesome God is. Also, when I was severely (basically clinically) depressed, he saved me. He showed me that life is more than just surviving and I could live and enjoy it if I saw the love of God and how truly good He is.

Honestly, he was so intelligent. He sacrificed what could have been a very lucrative medical career to deal with bratty, privileged teenagers and pre-teens and their inconsequential problems. He worked tirelessly to help students realize that they don't have to feel alone in the world and thus create a sense of community amongst us/them. Because of the fact that most of us are/were second generation Asians, we had a lot of issues with our parents and the lack of encouragement, outward expression of love, etc. etc. He honestly helped so many students feel loved and accepted and work through their issues. Some of course were tougher than others but he persisted.

He shaped my faith into something that could grow stronger.... even with undergrad looming. Every time we went to Mexico, my desire for international health grew stronger. He tried to boost my confidence and helped me to believe that I could more with my life than I thought. I'm not saying he's perfect because no one is and he was definitely rough around the edges, but he always tried to help students, even though they/we might have been stubborn to change.

I'm in a weird space. There's a mix of emotions... sadness because if I ever get married and have kids, they will only know him because I talk about him. Happiness because he's not suffering anymore and he's with God.. what he's always wanted (that's not morbid either. He just knew that this was temporary and heaven would be infinitely better than this). Sadness because he won't get to see me start my career. Happiness that he and CJ are together again. Overall? Relief. Relief that the suffering is over, his family was around, and that I got to say what I wanted to in the end. I was lucky.

JDSN, I am a better person because of you today. Thank you for everything you have done. Love you.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Job update

I've been meaning to update about my new job and here we go! The job has been honestly great. I love what I do even if it is mostly admin stuff because at the end of the day, the people I talk to on the phone or the faxes I process, get their medication for free or get a huge assistance for their medication. So I'm still helping people with their health, is the way I look at it. I started phones this week and I hate and abhor talking on the phone but c'est la vie. It's been stressful because I just want to do everything correctly so that we get the process going quickly for them but I feel like I still don't have a lot of information... Maybe I do and it's probably just swimming in my brain somewhere.

However, I live in fear of this thing called the Issue Log. Basically it's this thing that when Case Managers find a mistake that an Intake Coordinator has made, they "Issue Log" it. Which means, they put a task in the person who made the mistake's name and then all Intake Coordinators and Case Managers get an email saying the name of the person who made the mistake and a LINK TO THE MISTAKE. Isn't that crazy? The first time I was put on it was for something RIDICULOUS and I was so annoyed that they had even put me on it because they had solved the issue! So lame.

Anywho, I'm starting to slowly make friends and stuff around me and my team which is nice. They're all really young is the deal. Meh. I also need to stop saying I have a master's degree. I always get this weird reaction. Ah well.

So all in all I really hope they extend my contract! That would make my life. And while I'm doing that I can either reapply for med school (if I don't get in this year) and/or start applying for nursing schools... Sigh. Life.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! 새해 복 많이 받으세요! Feliz año nuevo! Athbhliain faoi mhaise dhaoibh! Glückliches neues jahr! Voorspoedige nuwe jaar! Bonne année! 新年好!