More dating drama.. Meh

First and foremost, this song:

So about a month ago, I downloaded this app on my smartphone called Tinder. For the gay community out there, it's like Grinder, for straight folks. Well, you can look for a gay relationship on it too but yeah. Honestly it is SO MUCH FUN. It's very satisfying. You get to know right away if a guy has "hearted" you, and it's uber quick. It connects you according to where you are and how far away you want your connection to be, your interests on Facebook, and the photos you choose from your Facebook. Fast. Convenient. Easy.

ANYWHO.

So to be completely honest, I connected with two guys from it. One is an engineer, I'll call him Tony and the other is a DJ/Digital media designer and I'll call him Caleb. Both are taller than  me, have blue eyes and are white. That's pretty much where the similarities end.

Caleb is nice enough, makes me laugh, and communicates with me every day. He texts me when he wakes up, throughout the day, and then before he goes to sleep. It's super nice knowing that someone really wants to talk to me like that! However, he's kind of a jerkface. He's already gotten annoyed/angry with me twice (about being late/not communicating well) and then kind of text-yelled at me today because I joked around about what my doctor appointment was about and he didn't think it was funny. But I'm hesitant to break it off because he does make me laugh and we do have a good time together...

Tony and I have the same taste in music and we bonded over that. He's super nice and is really good at making plan when he wants to make plans.. but therein lies the issue. He's not that responsive when I want him to be. Haha. He's super nice and attentive when we're physically together, but when we're not, it's like I don't exist. Well, I'm being pretty dramatic about that but I'm Korean so it's in my blood.... So it's probably not like I don't exist but rather that I'm just not a priority. There's the other issue...

So maybe a while ago I realized that I actually do  want to be in a serious relationship. Okay not like marriage but more than just dating casually. I'm still fine being single but something a few months ago spurred me to say "Hm, I guess it'd be kind of nice to share ______ with someone. And have someone care about me in a different way than everyone else does." It might have been when I was sort of seeing this other guy and he was totally  playing with my emotions. So basically, I want to be a priority in someone's life too... And for Tony it seems like he's pretty okay with me as priority 3 or below. I duno.

Anywho. I like Tony better (I'm sure that's obvious) but I do like Caleb to a certain extent.

In the end, Love STINKS.

Dating... again. MEH again.

So I was/am kind of dating this guy and the other day KO asked my friend M and I, with all of our dating adventures... is there anything that is a "have to have." I had to think. And this guy... made me realize that one of the things that I "have to have" is that the guy makes plans. I know that sounds weird but let me explain. A person that makes plans for another is carving out time in their schedule to think up something that they think that the person they're going to hang out with enjoys doing. Think about that. The person planning spends time thinking but also wants to spend more time with the other person and wants to make them happy. I guess another way to put it, is that they are selfless. That's going to one extreme though. I'm not saying that I want roses, a candlelit dinner, and a carriage ride. What I'm saying is that I want my partner to think of me and plan something special. Sacrifice. Because honestly... I would do the same for them. (Yes that's a bit of a humble brag)

Even for platonic relationships I think this applies. Look at the girl that I almost cut out. And maybe this is my vice or something to do with my birth order. But really I just want to be shown that I'm special enough to the other person that they want to spend their precious limited time with me. Not their lawn. Not their car. Not their bros. And I know that sounds disgustingly needy but I'm not saying ALL the time. But like once in a while. And also if the romantic relationship is just starting, I think it should be even more! Haha. I feel like you should still be trying to "win the girl over" you know? Make her feel like she's a queen and that by being with her, you feel special. Okay maybe that's too much to ask. (Can you tell this is semi how I feel about the guy that I'm sort of seeing right now?)

But really. I think one of my non-negotiables is the guy needs to make me feel special once in a while. (But of course I'll take more often than that... I mean comon. :) really.)

Recently dating... meh

Recently I've been dating this guy... Let's call him Will. One of my closest friends saw him on okcupid and read through his profile and thought of me which I thought was actually really nice of her. She messaged him and told him that she thought we'd be a good fit and then emailed both of us to introduce us.

It started off really well. I laughed at his emails. When she showed me his profile, I thought he was cute. We emailed multiple times a day for about a week or so... and then my other really good friend who is a quizmaster with Brainstormer was hosting a Halloween quiz the night before Halloween. Since we had talked about pub quizzes before I thought this would be a good first meet up. And it was! He was really funny and super sociable even with like 8 strangers. At the end of the night it was quite awkward though.... Well I'm an inherently awkward person so it was going to be awkward regardless. But he walked me to my car and we said good bye in about 5 different ways before he finally walked away. Leaving me feeling more awkward than usual. I chalked it up to nerves and the fact that he's also a super smart engineer... Haha I'm so mean.

Then he asked me out to dinner which I thought was a good sign. And I had a great time as I thought he did because he laughed at my lame jokes and I laughed at his stories. Then we got more beer at this bar which happened to have a live cover band and, wait for it, COUGAR NIGHT. Hahahah. It was quite the amazing. It made for great conversation and Will even sang along to a lot of the songs... Like I said, great night. Awkward ending again as I didn't know what to do with myself so as we were saying bye again, I did the penguin flap arms. Just imagine it. You'll see it. Then I loudly said, "Okay bye!!!" as I flung open my arms for a hug. It echoed because we were in a parking garage. Le sigh. I'm so awkward.

Then came the second date. Dinner again but this time we went to a film after. More awkwardness was had as we drove separately from the restaurant to the cinema but eh fine. But then we were super early for the film so we just sat, ate ice cream, and commented on the video gamers. We watched Wreck It Ralph which was super  cute. He walked me to my car again and came another awkward goodbye. No penguin arms this time but we said bye again like 3 different ways before I loudly said BYE and flung open my arms. We hugged and said bye.

So now... I accidentally asked him out and he said no. Then I took it back but asked him to something else. Okay wait. I didn't really take it back but I sort of did. No I will not expand because just thinking about it makes my awkward percentage shoot up like 50%. He declined that invite too which I'm fine with but now I haven't heard back from him.

I think I'm calling it quits. He's a nice guy... I guess I just don't feel that special connection. I guess it's my fault too because I did pray about it that if he's not worth my time for God to make it not happen since I'm such a terrible judge. I mean look at my track record. Not too great. I mean the only "serious" relationship I had only lasted four months and the guy turned out to be a mega-player.

Like I've said before, c'est la vie. Life goes on and really this doesn't matter anyway since I'm (hopefully) going to be in med school this time next year!

Break ups

I just broke it off with a guy for the second time in my life. It was really difficult to approach but honestly, after talking it over and praying about it with one of my best friends and small group leader (I'm SO lucky to have those two characteristics in one person) I knew once and for all it was the right thing to do. For the first time in my life (that I can remember) I truly feel "free" in God and from sin. I'll be the first to admit/confess that many times leading the Christian life can feel constricting in the things you can and cannot do, but this time, I feel free in God... As K said tonight, I'm running into faith rather than from it. I truly, truly feel free now... Before I felt trapped, like I was lying to so many people. But now, I have nothing to hide. The thing that was holding me back is gone. Okay that last sentence sounded really mean because I called a human being a thing but I don't mean him but I mean the sin surrounding him being in my life.

I'm not going to say he took it well because he sounded pretty angry. The first time I had to do this, the guy was actually very sweet and wished me the best. The "take care" at the end of our phone conversation felt contrived and forced. It's okay. I know I meant it. I only can now hope and pray that I didn't hurt him and make his feelings for Christians shift negatively (because he knows I am one).

God is good. All the time. I need to remember that.

A year ago today...

(continue reading from the title... just to warn you I do that a lot) My first serious boyfriend broke up with me. Now he'll tell you that he just tried to "take a break" from our relationship but who wants to take a break 4 months in? That's just dumb. We're not in junior high anymore. So when he finished talking and crying (and saying things like, "I talked to my sister and... I met you so soon after my ex.... I really like you....") I looked him stone cold in the eye and said, "We're not 'taking a break,' we are breaking up." To this statement, he looked surprised and I just said, "I know I haven't been in a relationship before but I don't want to do that. I've seen too many people in my life overly hurt by 'breaks' and I think it's stupid." Okay maybe I didn't say the "stupid" part but I sure as heck feel that way (I believe I said something along the lines of "it just doesn't work..."). I was also thinking how out of the blue it was. I mean the week before we celebrated Valentine's Day on the 15th (because one of my best friends was visiting me as per a previous post) and then I left for Paris on the 16th for a conference (it was actually the first global concession of pediatric health which is exactly what I want to do so there was no way I was missing it. And it was in Paris... so it's pretty obvious why I went). We talked the whole way through my trip (4 days) and ... okay anywho.

It may seem that I am not over it. And maybe a little part of me isn't? I mean he was the first guy that I thought, "Hey, I could see myself with him for a long while..." but honestly, the more and more I think about it (and we all know that hindsight is 20/20), the more and more I am absolutely, completely okay that we broke up. He only told me twice how he felt about me and both were at questionable times. Everything seemed forced from him. He didn't really care if other guys checked me out (okay so I know that one sounds whiny and very "girl" like but there were a more than a few times where he saw a guy check me out and joked about it and told me to go get his number or hit on him for a drink. AND twice one of his friends tried to kiss me when we were all out together and he was not in the least bit upset. Guys, seriously, is that not weird?!) which didn't bother me at first but makes me wonder now.

Any way, a year later I am single and loving it.

I tried dating around a bit (okcupid.com it was super fun and I recommend it! If you're willing to sift through creepy people and find the genuine folks) and it was helpful in that I found that there are decent people out there but now that I'm back in school and working part-time at my old clinic, I just won't have the energy. Which is fine. Honestly. I have plenty of people that I need/want to keep in touch with and this is a good time to restart my relationship with God too (I always feel like I can hear people groaning at that statement but it's true! So meh on you.)

To my friends who are married, in serious relationships, or are actively in the dating world, more power to you and I will pray for your success and ... things? Haha obviously I'm not too well versed in this but in any case, good juju is being sent out into the world for you by me (only if, of course, you want to receive it and make your relationship last).

To my fellow singletons, let us eat, drink, and be merry (I mean not that we have to be exclusive to those who aren't in our *coughexclusivecough* club but ya know we are responsible to only ourselves for the most part). Seriously. I'm taking a butt load of classes and will need some people to chill and relax with when the time comes. And it's coming. Soon. To a theatre near you. Okay maybe not the last part but you know what I mean.