Saturday, December 22, 2012


For the first time in years, my Facebook account was deactivated. No barrage of emails saying folks who actually don't really give a flying eff about me saying happy birthday, or this year hbd (which comon people? i get you don't care but you don't care so much as to not spell out happy birthday? we're the generation of technology. i'm pretty sure fully typing out happy birthday isn't that difficult. haha sorry little rant)

However, I was blown away by the people who actually made the effort to say happy birthday to me. I have this friend in Ireland, who recently revealed to me that he is the sole Irish reader I have of this blog, who emailed... I was so amazed that he remembered and was humbled that even after not being in contact for months, he A) remembered B) put the effort to write a very sweet email. Even this guy that I actually dated a bit wrote me a "hbd" email with that acronym in the subject but in the body angrily wrote a note about me un-Facebooking him. I thought, "Seriously dude? In a birthday email?"

The Wednesday before my birthday, basically the day before, my wonderful small group threw me a party that will live in my memory forever. It honestly was so great. They transformed a hallway in one of their homes into a Moroccan theme with pillows and beautiful drapes everywhere. But above the top they strung lights so it was like we were dining under the stars! They know me so well. Stars and candelight... Could a woman ask for anymore? Company? HAD IT! Three women who are amazing in their own way... One I have known since I was a child who continually challenges the way I think and is great with words and encouraging. One I have known for a little over a year now but it feels like a lifetime because we get along so famously. She is the most stylish and fun friend I have made recently. She is also incredibly encouraging and she makes it so easy for me to be vulnerable and open with our group. Last but not least, Kristin. I have spoken about her here before but she is, without a doubt, one of my best friends. She knows me incredibly well and never judges me. Even after some of the incredibly stupid things I have done. She always says that I am a "down ass m effer" which I don't think is true but when it comes to me, she is that... Her note/card for my birthday made me cry. All three of their cards are now in my rainy day box.

On the actual date of my birthday, I sent out an evite to about 30 people to join me at Smugglers' Cove and three showed up. But you know what? I honestly didn't care very much because it just showed who actually cares about me and who doesn't. And also my birthday is so near the holidays that it's difficult to make it out to things as well. Anyway. But beforehand, I got taken out to Opaque, which is the restaurant that you dine completely in the dark. It was a great experience! I would totally do it again but this time with the mystery drinks as well. It was seriously so much fun... Too bad it's uber expensive. The other cool thing is that all the servers are legally blind/visually impaired. It was amazing to be able live in their world for a couple hours. I was reminded yet again of how much I truly have in my life.

The start of my 29th year on this earth (yes I had to think about truly which year this is because actually in the US we start at 0 yrs 1 day and the first birthday is actually the end of the first year born. Isn't that weird?) was amazing and one that will live in my memory forever. Thank you to all that made it happen. I will probably update this with photos later!

Sunday, December 2, 2012


My stomach has not stopped quivering. My chest feels like it's caving in. I feel like my insides are shaking so hard that they will detach from the walls of my body cavity.

The only other time I have ever felt this nervous is before seating auditions for symphony when I was in high school. Not even when I was auditioning for Impressions. I play violin so the fact that my hands were visibly shaking didn't help calm my nerves and help me play better.

I feel like breaking down and sobbing and the only explanation is that I feel the most nervous I have ever been in my life. Before I wrote this, nobody knew. I'm pretty sure only one person reads this and now you know. (okay but don't worry it'll pass. these feelings have to pass right? I mean my problems are nothing compared to say my sister or anyone who is truly suffering from poverty or hunger)

It's not like my life has led up to this moment. When I get to medical school and am in my white coat ceremony that will be the moment. But right now... why? I can't shake this feeling that when I get there tomorrow, they'll look at me and say, "What on earth were we thinking?" I can't help but think that I will utterly fail.

Maybe this feeling is compounded by the fact that I feel like I am applying to medical school in vain. I really don't think I will get in. I feel like I'm wasting my time and money. Time and money I don't have.

I turn 28 in a couple weeks. Yes that is young. But not that young. I am competing with 22 year olds whose brains are fresh in college and know how to process information quickly. What have I been doing for the past five years (ask many of the schools I apply to)? I feel like a jumble of nothing. Everything my brother said has come true. I am nothing but a compilation of random, inconsequential experiences. I have done nothing of substance. Everything I have done is for naught.

I do not think I will make it. I will have to give up and have a career that is sub-fulfilling (I'm pretty sure I just made that up) and blame myself for it for the rest of my life. This is the beginning of the end.

Okay so that was super sad but I needed to get that out. What better place than to do that publicly on the interwebs so that people can see my immature cry for attention? Why the eff not. Like I said, I'm almost 28. Like I give a flying eff what people I don't even know think.

Recently dating... meh

Recently I've been dating this guy... Let's call him Will. One of my closest friends saw him on okcupid and read through his profile and thought of me which I thought was actually really nice of her. She messaged him and told him that she thought we'd be a good fit and then emailed both of us to introduce us.

It started off really well. I laughed at his emails. When she showed me his profile, I thought he was cute. We emailed multiple times a day for about a week or so... and then my other really good friend who is a quizmaster with Brainstormer was hosting a Halloween quiz the night before Halloween. Since we had talked about pub quizzes before I thought this would be a good first meet up. And it was! He was really funny and super sociable even with like 8 strangers. At the end of the night it was quite awkward though.... Well I'm an inherently awkward person so it was going to be awkward regardless. But he walked me to my car and we said good bye in about 5 different ways before he finally walked away. Leaving me feeling more awkward than usual. I chalked it up to nerves and the fact that he's also a super smart engineer... Haha I'm so mean.

Then he asked me out to dinner which I thought was a good sign. And I had a great time as I thought he did because he laughed at my lame jokes and I laughed at his stories. Then we got more beer at this bar which happened to have a live cover band and, wait for it, COUGAR NIGHT. Hahahah. It was quite the amazing. It made for great conversation and Will even sang along to a lot of the songs... Like I said, great night. Awkward ending again as I didn't know what to do with myself so as we were saying bye again, I did the penguin flap arms. Just imagine it. You'll see it. Then I loudly said, "Okay bye!!!" as I flung open my arms for a hug. It echoed because we were in a parking garage. Le sigh. I'm so awkward.

Then came the second date. Dinner again but this time we went to a film after. More awkwardness was had as we drove separately from the restaurant to the cinema but eh fine. But then we were super early for the film so we just sat, ate ice cream, and commented on the video gamers. We watched Wreck It Ralph which was super  cute. He walked me to my car again and came another awkward goodbye. No penguin arms this time but we said bye again like 3 different ways before I loudly said BYE and flung open my arms. We hugged and said bye.

So now... I accidentally asked him out and he said no. Then I took it back but asked him to something else. Okay wait. I didn't really take it back but I sort of did. No I will not expand because just thinking about it makes my awkward percentage shoot up like 50%. He declined that invite too which I'm fine with but now I haven't heard back from him.

I think I'm calling it quits. He's a nice guy... I guess I just don't feel that special connection. I guess it's my fault too because I did pray about it that if he's not worth my time for God to make it not happen since I'm such a terrible judge. I mean look at my track record. Not too great. I mean the only "serious" relationship I had only lasted four months and the guy turned out to be a mega-player.

Like I've said before, c'est la vie. Life goes on and really this doesn't matter anyway since I'm (hopefully) going to be in med school this time next year!