Monday, December 14, 2015

A phrase that doesn't help

So like a hopeful goober, I have been applying to nurse practitioner school because I still feel like I am meant to be on the side of practicing medicine rather than the business side of medicine. The problem is that most schools, don't agree with me. I keep getting rejections which is really getting to me. I'm getting so tired of hearing "no," that I'm on the verge of giving up. Maybe I'm not meant to and that's why I keep hearing no...? Ugh whatever.

But to the point of the title of this post... When I tell people that I got yet another rejection, a common response I hear is, "Oh but that school is really hard to get into" or "That's like the Harvard of nursing schools"... I know that those phrases are meant to be encouraging, but to me that just means that those people don't think highly of me that I could even get into those types of schools. Yes, I probably couldn't get into Harvard but to have an external person tell you that they also believe/know that I cannot get into a really good school, is painful.

I've talked about this before I think... but by now if you read this blog, you know that my self-confidence is very low. I don't think I'm good looking, a good friend, nor that great of a person in general. But the ONE thing that I feel slightly more confident about is the fact that I am not a dumb person. Yes it takes me a bit to process something, but I do have a Masters degree and I feel like not everyone has the ability to sit through all the classes, pass the classes, and write a thesis to get a Masters. And I did that (even with a month of almost dying).

So when someone tells me, "Well that school is super hard to get into" all I want to say back is, "So? You think I can't get into that school? Do you think I'm not good enough? Would you have thought they made a mistake if I did get in?"

Ugh. Sorry I know that's a super negative way of looking at what is supposed to be an encouraging statement but right now, that's how I hear those statements.

Friday, November 20, 2015

I did it.

I finally told him of the stress I've been in and why. I don't like the response but at least I told him. I feel sick to my stomach and my hands are trembling but I hope that at least part of my heart can be at peace now that I told him...

I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable again until circumstances change... but I'll be praying for a change ASAP.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Water Polo Coaching

This past few months I got the opportunity to coach the Girls' Water Polo team at Terra Nova HS. I took the position knowing that I would be basically exhausted every day and would have to come to grips with certain fears/feelings I associate with high school. At least it wasn't my own old high school... then I think I would've had even worse anxiety about it.

Now when I was in high school... Whenever I heard about Terra Nova, they were a force to be reckoned with. So of course, my first thoughts were, "Oh crap... I've never coached water polo before and I bet they have a crazy good record." But apparently, that was only the football team because my coworker (who informed me of the position and whose kids go there) gave me some history about the program. When I officially got hired, I looked more into their history to see if what my coworker said was accurate (as she can be pretty dramatic). And.... She was right. Their record was pretty abysmal and they hadn't had a JV team since 2009. They had 16 girls last year but this year my turnout was 24. Definitely enough for two teams... and most of them were pretty young.

So, my nerves were calmed and I started my first speech. They were super receptive! I told them how I played in high school and played for a second in college. They could not stop jabbering about how excited they were about having a coach who actually played. It made me wonder who had been coaching them for the past few years. I told them my huge thing was making sure that people stay positive and that even though we have JV and Varsity, that we are one big team and we support each other. I emphasized this because I remembered how much I loved the camaraderie I had in my high school team... and how much it helped me through feeling pretty excluded from people who I thought I had more in common with (the Asian girls).

My Varsity girls ended up in 5th place but with twice more wins than last year and my JV girls ended up in 2nd place! I could not have been prouder of the girls... but what they don't know is how much they helped me during those short three months. I haven't felt that fulfilled in so long. They filled a void that I've been feeling for so long.

I hope that I can come back next year and do it again.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

She would have been 29 today

Another year, another post for her. My beautiful friend. Today, I thought of her and how happy she looked all the time. But that's just it. It was happy. Temporary. There was less joy. She would've been 29 today. She probably would already have been married to him and possibly gotten pregnant. I wonder if she would have invited me to her 29th.

As I get older, the number of relationships that I actually care to keep decreases. Unfortunately, some of those I want to keep don't feel the same way. But then again, those who I don't especially care about probably feel the same way I do.

In the past 6 years, I've used her death as a motivator to be the best friend I can be. I've learned that trying to do that, hurts way more than I feel like it's supposed to. So now, I distance. Now, I want to be that friend that I was disappointed in... the one who buries herself in just her family and partner. I want to say, "Suck it bitches!" to all my friends and just desert.

But then again, I would want to feel important in someone's life. Too often I feel like I'm not important enough.... and then I go back to her. Why didn't she feel important enough? What could I have done to make her see that I needed her as that base at home that I could always go back to? How do I make it so I don't follow the same thoughts she did? (again, no worries, I'm not going to do anything to harm myself).

Just some things that I've been thinking about and learned over the past year... Some people want you to be their friends and some people couldn't give 2 shits about you. You just have to be smart enough to decipher which ones really do and which ones feel obligated to.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Another fear

Yesterday the SO and I were driving back from a friend gathering and I came across this realization... As much as I bitch and moan about how I feel like my friends are basically leaving me in the dust as they knit closer to each other, I have this frantic feeling to still try to keep them close. And also probably why I bitch and moan about this .. and I'm finally getting to the reason...

I am terrified that I will have a repeat of my friend who committed suicide.

There. I said it. On the internet. I have three friends that I keep in touch with over text and we basically use this to ask for prayer and to try to encourage each other when the depression gets really bad.

But it's not only those three that I worry about. It's my other friends who I find out things about really late and all I can do in my head is say, "Act like you knew about this so it seems like you are close so that in the future they will tell you when things are rough," and on the outside show how concerned I am. I know as I get older people fade away and will choose others to ally themselves with but I can't help but feel that I will be slowly counted out. I already feel that with one friend, someone who I never would've thought it would happen to... so why not the others?

BUT I was so pleasantly surprised that the friend (whose house we were at) gave me a book (that's signed by the author) about her battle through depression. I don't think she realizes how much that book means to me because it shows how she does care and think about me. Things can and will get better. It just takes time and grace I think.

Saturday, June 27, 2015


Yesterday the highest court in the US finally ruled that anyone can get married. It's. About. Freaking. Time.

On this blog I've talked about my faith numerous times, so it's no secret that I'm Christian. And as a Christian I wholeheartedly believe that anyone should have the right to marry no matter who they love. Unfortunately other Christians do not agree with this... especially those in my mother country. They cite passages in the Bible about how homosexuality is a sin blahblahblah... You know what else is in the Bible? Forgiveness. God is just. Love your neighbor as yourself. For that matter, love is the absolute bottom line of the Bible. God literally is love itself. Also in the Bible is that women who are on their period are "unclean" and to sit outside the city until she was done being "unclean." Jesus came so that we wouldn't have to do that anymore and that we could have a relationship with God. That's what the Bible is now. A guide to our relationship with God.

With that fact, how can you say that God hates something He created? That makes absolutely no sense. Why would God condemn someone for the way He created them? And yes. I believe sexual orientation is not a choice. 

Apparently Justice Alito asked, "Well then why not marry four gay men together? Why just two?" The answer is because then you are saying that polygamy is legal. Which is totally different. That is a choice. 

Anyway in the long run I am extremely happy that the majority of our chief justices see the logic in our Constitution and also human rights.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

My naive dream

It's no secret that the health care system here in the US benefits little. With the advent of Obamacare, yes more people have health insurance but is that truly helping them? Today I was listening to Marketplace on 88.5 on my commute home and they talked about health care and this insurance company in Oregon called CareOregon that has this program called "Health Resilience Program." From Marketplace's website: The idea is that healthcare providers leave the exam room and spend more time developing relationships with patients in their kitchens and living rooms.

I was reminded of my naive dream. Back when I wanted to be an MD or DO my dream was to get my degree in primary care and work in urban or rural areas... basically places where people either can't afford health care or have their state Medicaid insurance. My naive dream? To open my own clinic where, yes I would take insurance, but I would have the people that I served pay me in what they could as well... Mainly I thought about food. I'll do your yearly (or however often exam) and you can make me a lasagna, enchiladas... whatever you're good at making.

When I first developed this dream, I was an undergrad student studying abroad in Oaxaca, Mexico in 2006. I was fortunate enough to have a rotating internship at different kinds of clinics in the city and also in Puerto Escondido. I know the health system in Mexico is different from the US but there are similarities as well. People still suffer from the same diseases and also can have the same financial difficulties. My passion for practicing medicine grew and matured. 

Unfortunately, according to the standards of the medical schools here in the US, I do not have what it takes to become a physician. So what am I doing now? Applying to become something 100% better. A nurse practitioner. Why do I think it's better? From what I've seen, nurse practitioners get more time with their patients and still have autonomy. They're not forced just just churn patients and their in and out during the day.  (off the soapbox now)

Back to the dream and the program I listened to today. Some economist from Harvard said that "so many things we do in American health care because we think that they must work....But every time we looked, we’ve found the answer has been a big giant zero." I think/hope he wasn't including primary and preventative care. Because time and time again studies have shown that those two things are actually cost effective. Even this article,, says findings show "mixed results" but aren't mixed results better than billions of dollars being spent on unnecessary treatment? Also, I understand that health care workers need to be compensated for their knowledge at time but goodness gracious.... At the cost of people dying because they can't afford treatment? Where is the Hippocratic oath in that? How can someone feel okay with not treating someone because that someone feels that they won't get compensated justly? You're going to let that person's morbidity continue to decrease?

Okay sorry apparently I climbed back on the soapbox again. Anywho. I know my dream will never come true but maybe one day, I can help bring back the concept of a doctor's (or nurse practitioner) house call so I can be closer to my dream.

(btw here's the article from Marketplace if you want to actually read it:

Monday, May 25, 2015

The things I remember from school

The other day I turned on the shower in my gym and I saw the curtain start to come towards me. Then I suddenly remembered something that I had learned in high school that I, to this day still remember... Due to the severe embarrassment I was caused by a teacher.

When I took physics in high school, I had the same teacher my very intelligent sister had. Unfortunately, our last name isn't very common and we look similar enough where it is pretty obvious that we're family. So, I was already nervous because there was an expectation there that I would pick up physics quickly and well. I really, really didn't. Honestly, after a whole year's worth of college level physics I still don't know/understand physics well. BUT there is one thing I do remember because that teacher asked a simple question in class one day... "When you take a shower does the curtain come towards you or does it get blown outward?" And then, she called on me to answer.

I answered incorrectly. Very incorrectly.

I guessed and said outward. I had to think about it, but I remember all my classmates looking at me, the teacher staring at me, and feeling panicked. So I tried to recall any memories of showering and realized that I had never really taken notice. When I answered incorrectly, the teacher rolled her eyes and shook her head. She said, "Anyone else?" And of course someone else said the correct answer and she emphatically said, "Yes, that's the correct answer."

I felt mortified. I already had a very bruised, very low self-confidence. On top of feeling like a fat, disgusting loser, I felt like a grade-A idiot. Someone who truly needed a dunce cap.

They say the most memorable memories are the negative ones. The insults, the trauma... and this one definitely. I will always remember Bernoulli's effect because of that mortifying moment in high school.

Monday, April 20, 2015

More thoughts on depression

This article is actually pretty good. For almost all the numbers, I know, feel and do them. I feel a little bad because a couple of my friends battle with depression and anxiety at the same time. Thank God that I don't have anxiety but honestly I think it's because I really couldn't handle it. Every time my friends text me about having a panic attack I can't help but feel just so sad... I know I don't want to know what it feels like but at the same time I do so that I can say the right thing.

More about the article... I definitely make things look better than they are. I put on a smile at work every day and in front of most people. It's so tiring and nobody really gets it. Most people just talk talk talk and don't even think about what they're saying. Take my training group for example. The other day they started talking about how depressed people should just start talking about the things that they are grateful for in life. And all I wanted to do was scream, "Yeah, because it's that easy when you are actually haunted by depression." Not only that, I've tried that. Seriously. As a Christian, I try to thank God for all kinds of things, but unfortunately it doesn't work.

Like yesterday at church, before praise started I sat down and prayed thanking God that I made it to church. But then, the praise band started playing and singing... and the songs were mostly about going to heaven and being happy and thankful. And all I could think about was, "Yeah, I'd like to be in heaven right now. So much that I'm totally fine dying. God, give me cancer or something so I can just die and be free of this world."

And yet now here I am at work again putting on a happy face, desperately seeking approval from anyone and everyone. Happy Monday.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The brain does some weird crap

A couple nights ago I had a very odd dream. I don't know if my psyche was stirred b/c an "ex" recently got married and I realized that I wasn't over him but my dream involved my only true ex (the only other serious boyfriend than the one I have now).

I don't remember all the details but the most vivid was that I looked amazing... skinny and stuff. My current boyfriend and I were hanging out and then he went to the restroom. My ex, let's call him Benedict (b/c I wish it was Benedict Cumberbatch let's be real), comes up behind me and says, "Hi Christine." And it was odd because at first I didn't recognize him and he had to say that it was him and how we met. When I finally realized it was him, all these emotions came flooding back and I had to steady myself. He started to say, "You look amaz..." and then my current boyfriend came back and said, "Uh hi who are you?" And I introduced them then added, "Yeah we need to go to that show.. we're going to be late" and said, "Bye, Benedict. Have a nice life."

Explanation: "Have a nice life" is the last thing he said to me. And I felt like it was so final and so harsh.

anyway. I woke up being so confused. I hadn't thought about him so long... But again it was probably my subconscious messing with me. as if i got too much sleep in general.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

The internet sucks

The internet sucks because....

it enables you to stalk an "ex" and then when you see who they're with currently and consequently because of the stalking and then stalking that person they're with, figure out that the "ex" was actually seeing them while you two were together...... makes you feel so, so stupid and even more disgusted with yourself.

And by yourself I mean myself. Why, why do I do this to myself? I just wasted 40 minutes of my life looking at stupid Facebook through photos and timelines realizing more and more that I'm an idiot. And now, I will only get 5 hours of sleep.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Happy Easter!

He is risen! Happy Easter!!

I wish I could see where these odd traditions that have nothing to do with the reason for the holiday came from. I'm sure with the magic of the interwebs it'd be very easy to find out... but I also think it's interesting that somebody, somewhere arbitrarily said, "Hey, soo it's spring time and there's Passover and Easter... so let's say everything for those holidays should be pastel colored!" I was thinking about this the other day actually. Most holidays that I can think of actually have very arbitrary color schemes... Halloween? I mean I guess I can see the orange because it's fall but why orange and black? Why not orange and... grey? Or brown? Thanksgiving is orange and brown which again I guess has to do with autumn and turkeys... but Christmas with red and green? I guess it just doesn't make sense to me.

Anyway. Really why I'm writing today is to openly and publicly apologize to someone named Jeff. There are millions out there but if the one I'm thinking about is reading this you know who you are.

What I did to you is inexcusable. I have this tendency (because of my ingrained depression) to destroy everything and anything that is good for me. This includes relationships. I'm not excusing my actions with my depression. Depression is not an excuse for hurting someone else. I led you on because you made me feel good. You made me feel loved in a way that I thought was different from my partner now. Then when you two argued and you needed time away, I thought you were probably fine. When now I see you weren't. You don't deserve to be treated that way and I am so sorry for what I did. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

I really really dislike lying

I mean who likes lying/liars? No one really. I used to be good at it (or so I thought)... and actually with certain things I still am.

But when it comes to friends and things that matter, I try to never lie. Especially about little stuff that doesn't matter. Don't pretend to be close to me or care about what I think for my gain. If you don't care, don't ask.


Also the longer I live life, the more humans disgust me. And also the more I am amazed that God loves all of us so much... even though some people choose to do ugly things like lie about how their child parents which led to their own child's death. I'm not even close to joking. I heard about this tragic story of a 2 year old boy drowned in the tub after hitting his head. The boy's grandfather started spreading some lies about the boy's mother. So that CPS took the mom's 4 daughters away... like that family needs ANYMORE heartache....

Yes I don't know the whole story. But I do know the person who was telling me the story and she wouldn't make shit up. Phoo. Anyway.. byeeee

Thursday, February 26, 2015


Yesterday for the third time in my life, thoughts of ending my life were screaming in my head. Through the grace and mercy of some amazing friends and family and a very good man standing by me, I am alive. Thank you God that I have a support system... even if they are far away.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Knowing what to do

So I've been thinking a lot of what I want to do and what I have to do... and now. I know exactly what I have to do. I don't like it because I feel that it goes against who I am to the core but in order to maintain the balance of things... it must be done.

It's kind of like that saying in Spideman... With great power comes great responsibility. For me, great change comes with great pain. But maybe, this is part of what God wants to change of me.

I guess, what doesn't kill you makes me stronger... and I sure hope this isn't what kills me.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

An open letter

To you who is slipping away from me:

I will try my hardest from now on to focus on the good times we had. You don't need me anymore and no matter how much I say I need you, it doesn't really matter. You have your people and I have mine.

We will continue to laugh and joke with each other. We will continue being friendly. We will continue to be friends... but for me (and I'm pretty sure for you), the relationship will just be friends. You were once someone who I told everything to but now I cannot.

I will miss our relationship and everything it was. But it's really time for me to let you go.

Love you.

Monday, February 9, 2015

I'm a hater

I drink the haterade. Daily. Sometimes I don't care... well let's face it. I don't care most of the time but sometimes I do feel bad about dealing out so much hate. Let's make something clear, when I say hate I mean that completely in the colloquial sense of the word. Do I actually hate/detest/abhor what I say I hate? No. .... Wellllll maybe. Somethings. But it's actually very rare when I truly hate something.

Today I feel as though I need to make it public. Like in the internetsphere public. I hate Taylor Swift. I can give her a bit of respect because of how she is the perfect marketing tool and she follows the lead of her team well. She helps to write songs that perfectly appeal to her target demographic.

But here's where the hate comes in. She is the epitome of everything I hate. I don't know why I have dubbed her this way. (Actually I think I do but that will come later). She claims this "awkwardness" when in reality, she's a tall, run of the mill, girl next door pretty white girl who tries to bop her head to hip hop. She gets to wear these amazing dresses and clothes that, because she has basically the perfect body type for almost any clothing, perfectly accent her. She gets her hair and makeup perfectly done everyday by professionals. She goes to the gym wearing makeup (which I hate on any person at the gym). Really Taylor Swift? You say you're awkward? Then why do you call every single person your friend? A truly awkward person isn't actually that social. I should know. I spend every day of my life living on about 60% awkwardness at all times (and then it spikes when I'm around people I admire, authoritative figures, and really good looking people).

Then there's her "talent." Have you actually ever heard her sing live? It's horrible. I'm tired of people giving her too much credit. ADMIT THAT SHE USES AUTOTUNE just like pretty much all pop artists out there nowadays. People say, "Oh but her lyrics are so raw, so real." Are they? Or are they recycled pretty much over and over again. How trite can one person be?

"She's so good to her fans"... She gave one of her fans that had crippling student debt $1989 (and some other stupid merch).. really Taylor Swift? You couldn't dig deeper into that multi-platinum selling album pocket of yours to maybe pay off that fan's debt completely? And $1989 just b/c your album is called that... seriously? Like you need to promote that swill to that fan? Why not give her $198900? Still has that stupid number in it.

So to my surprise, many of my female friends actually really enjoy her music. Doesn't make me love my friends any less but it was just surprising. I guess that's the power of a good hook.

Let me get to why I have dubbed Taylor Swift to be the symbol of everything that I hate. I am not an attractive person. I have this odd, weird streak of not completely trusting obviously beautiful people. But it makes it worse when that person says, "Oh no, I'm just normal." Oh no you don't. Don't pull that crap. There's a reason why people fight to dress you and be your stylist. Taylor Swift stands tall, thin and very well made up. Everything I am not. She is extremely successful at something I wish I was successful.

So yes. The reasons why I hate on her so much are .... deeper than the first few paragraphs. But I stand by my ruling. I hate Taylor Swift. And unless she does something absolutely selfless and amazing, I will never change my mind about her.