Sunday, July 19, 2015

Another fear

Yesterday the SO and I were driving back from a friend gathering and I came across this realization... As much as I bitch and moan about how I feel like my friends are basically leaving me in the dust as they knit closer to each other, I have this frantic feeling to still try to keep them close. And also probably why I bitch and moan about this .. and I'm finally getting to the reason...

I am terrified that I will have a repeat of my friend who committed suicide.

There. I said it. On the internet. I have three friends that I keep in touch with over text and we basically use this to ask for prayer and to try to encourage each other when the depression gets really bad.

But it's not only those three that I worry about. It's my other friends who I find out things about really late and all I can do in my head is say, "Act like you knew about this so it seems like you are close so that in the future they will tell you when things are rough," and on the outside show how concerned I am. I know as I get older people fade away and will choose others to ally themselves with but I can't help but feel that I will be slowly counted out. I already feel that with one friend, someone who I never would've thought it would happen to... so why not the others?

BUT I was so pleasantly surprised that the friend (whose house we were at) gave me a book (that's signed by the author) about her battle through depression. I don't think she realizes how much that book means to me because it shows how she does care and think about me. Things can and will get better. It just takes time and grace I think.

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