Thursday, February 26, 2015


Yesterday for the third time in my life, thoughts of ending my life were screaming in my head. Through the grace and mercy of some amazing friends and family and a very good man standing by me, I am alive. Thank you God that I have a support system... even if they are far away.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Knowing what to do

So I've been thinking a lot of what I want to do and what I have to do... and now. I know exactly what I have to do. I don't like it because I feel that it goes against who I am to the core but in order to maintain the balance of things... it must be done.

It's kind of like that saying in Spideman... With great power comes great responsibility. For me, great change comes with great pain. But maybe, this is part of what God wants to change of me.

I guess, what doesn't kill you makes me stronger... and I sure hope this isn't what kills me.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

An open letter

To you who is slipping away from me:

I will try my hardest from now on to focus on the good times we had. You don't need me anymore and no matter how much I say I need you, it doesn't really matter. You have your people and I have mine.

We will continue to laugh and joke with each other. We will continue being friendly. We will continue to be friends... but for me (and I'm pretty sure for you), the relationship will just be friends. You were once someone who I told everything to but now I cannot.

I will miss our relationship and everything it was. But it's really time for me to let you go.

Love you.

Monday, February 9, 2015

I'm a hater

I drink the haterade. Daily. Sometimes I don't care... well let's face it. I don't care most of the time but sometimes I do feel bad about dealing out so much hate. Let's make something clear, when I say hate I mean that completely in the colloquial sense of the word. Do I actually hate/detest/abhor what I say I hate? No. .... Wellllll maybe. Somethings. But it's actually very rare when I truly hate something.

Today I feel as though I need to make it public. Like in the internetsphere public. I hate Taylor Swift. I can give her a bit of respect because of how she is the perfect marketing tool and she follows the lead of her team well. She helps to write songs that perfectly appeal to her target demographic.

But here's where the hate comes in. She is the epitome of everything I hate. I don't know why I have dubbed her this way. (Actually I think I do but that will come later). She claims this "awkwardness" when in reality, she's a tall, run of the mill, girl next door pretty white girl who tries to bop her head to hip hop. She gets to wear these amazing dresses and clothes that, because she has basically the perfect body type for almost any clothing, perfectly accent her. She gets her hair and makeup perfectly done everyday by professionals. She goes to the gym wearing makeup (which I hate on any person at the gym). Really Taylor Swift? You say you're awkward? Then why do you call every single person your friend? A truly awkward person isn't actually that social. I should know. I spend every day of my life living on about 60% awkwardness at all times (and then it spikes when I'm around people I admire, authoritative figures, and really good looking people).

Then there's her "talent." Have you actually ever heard her sing live? It's horrible. I'm tired of people giving her too much credit. ADMIT THAT SHE USES AUTOTUNE just like pretty much all pop artists out there nowadays. People say, "Oh but her lyrics are so raw, so real." Are they? Or are they recycled pretty much over and over again. How trite can one person be?

"She's so good to her fans"... She gave one of her fans that had crippling student debt $1989 (and some other stupid merch).. really Taylor Swift? You couldn't dig deeper into that multi-platinum selling album pocket of yours to maybe pay off that fan's debt completely? And $1989 just b/c your album is called that... seriously? Like you need to promote that swill to that fan? Why not give her $198900? Still has that stupid number in it.

So to my surprise, many of my female friends actually really enjoy her music. Doesn't make me love my friends any less but it was just surprising. I guess that's the power of a good hook.

Let me get to why I have dubbed Taylor Swift to be the symbol of everything that I hate. I am not an attractive person. I have this odd, weird streak of not completely trusting obviously beautiful people. But it makes it worse when that person says, "Oh no, I'm just normal." Oh no you don't. Don't pull that crap. There's a reason why people fight to dress you and be your stylist. Taylor Swift stands tall, thin and very well made up. Everything I am not. She is extremely successful at something I wish I was successful.

So yes. The reasons why I hate on her so much are .... deeper than the first few paragraphs. But I stand by my ruling. I hate Taylor Swift. And unless she does something absolutely selfless and amazing, I will never change my mind about her.