Saturday, September 17, 2016

First week done!

So my first week of school is done with and I have to say that my stress level is ... still the same but feels different. I know that sounds weird but basically before school started, it felt like this gigantic question mark that loomed over me and threatening my sanity.

Now that question mark is much smaller but ... I still have some stress and anxiety. Yes all my teachers/lecturers/professors have reiterated over and over that each student is there not by chance but because they were exclusively chosen by the faculty... and because they know we can succeed in these programs. It's fantastic to hear but my old nagging, self-destructive voice is still there saying, "Are you sure? You're pretty old now. You don't remember stuff like you used to. The rest of the cohort is smarter, younger and faster. Remember how poorly you did in school?"

That voice is something I know I have to fight hard and with the help and prayers of my aptly named "Thunder Buddies" (a term I'm taking from my dear friend Adam from ... I think I can do it.

So far, even the fiancé has been great. He's been great at making sure I'm doing all my reading and school work. But even still, there's that negative voice again that says, "yes but you're not paying him enough attention and he will resent you..." 

Ugh the negative voice sucks. I should name it something horrible... like Voldemort. And then defeat it! Hmmm this has proved to be a good session of writing. 

Onward and upward!!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Started nursing school!

So I finally have moved on to start my career as a healthcare practitioner. I got into nursing school at Samuel Merritt about 3 miles from where I live (so now I bicycle instead of drive!) and over the next two years (and a few months) I finally get to learn about being the best healthcare practitioner I can be!

It has been such a journey til now. I've been applying for the last two years but super seriously for the last year. It has been a struggle and really re-ignited some issues I thought I had gotten over and made others just come super to the forefront (like my depression).

It's day two of school and I'm loving it. One of our teachers said today, "Another way to show you really care is to let go." That statement spoke to me on so many different levels. All of the staff/faculty have been telling us as well that we are all here because they CHOSE us. They didn't have to let any one of us in but they chose us out of a field of applicants. I have to remind myself of that. The administration chose me because they saw my potential and they know I can finish the program. I have to stop the self defeat and beating up.

The other day I had this amazing talk/hang out with a friend and it seriously was absolutely necessary and fantastic. She confirmed and affirmed so many of my feelings that I haven't said to anyone aloud because I just felt foolish. She supported me and continues to support me which feels astonishingly awesome.

Anyway, I felt like I needed to get all that out before I forgot. Phew.