Friday, October 11, 2013

Ode to Charlie Brown (the dog)

Today I'm at home sick because my stomach has been uber weird. I feel better today but to play it safe (also because I really really did not want to go to work today.. that's another blog post in and of itself) I stayed home again today.

Basically all morning, I've been kind of sad and been thinking a lot about my friend who passed away 4 years ago. I have amazing friends though and God really is so good because out of no where my friend who I thought was done being friends with me last year texted me saying, "Reminder of the day: You are an amazing friend." At a time when I feel like I have no friends because I'm such a bad one, to get that text just really made my day. Well one of my best friends KO dropped by the other day and it totally made me cry because I felt so unbelievably loved by her. She lives NO WHERE NEAR me.... and she happened to be in the area and decided to surprise me! I love surprises... especially from people that I love.

So anyway, I've been feeling super down and very unlovable because I basically told this guy that I really liked him and his response was basically that he was still in love with his ex-fiancee.... if that isn't a big fat no then I don't know what is.

BUT ANYWHO. Onto my (house mate's) awesome dog!

Charlie Brown aka Charles Barkely aka Chuck
Yesterday, my house mate told me that sometimes, when he's home and I'm not, the dog, Charlie Brown (he's a chocolate lab) will lay down by my door.... Call me ridiculous but I got a little teary. I always thought that he didn't really care about me because he's got a great owner and the owner's S.O. also has been getting lots of love. But he actually does miss me when I'm not at home! Can dogs get any better than that? I don't think so. And then just now, I decided it was time to play some music on the keyboard and maybe try to sing a little (only sad songs of course) and he came over and put his head on my lap... ON MY LAP. As if he knew that I'm not feeling great.

It's official. I love Charlie Brown aka Charles Barkley the dog. He is my favorite dog ever. EVER. He may be a little dumb and a lot stinky, but man, is he lovable.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Four years ago today

Four years ago today, I did my first half marathon (without really training for it) and didn't tell anyone. Therefore, no one at church knew why I wasn't at church. I got a text from one of my really good friends telling me that she missed me that day and was sad that she didn't see me. Little did I know that it was the beginning of the end.

This year I am amazed at how true it is that time is the only thing that can heal wounds. I'm not saying that this wound is completely healed, but it's getting there. It's finally getting there.

When she texted me that she had missed me, I did think it a bit odd. She had a lot of other friends so for her to notice me not there was interesting. I told her that I would definitely be there the next week. She wasn't but instead we went to hang out in the middle of the week. We watched Zombieland in theaters and there I had the most memorable conversation in my whole life. I remember every word. Every look (even though we were in the movie theater). How I felt. How carefully I chose each word. I remember this conversation more than I remember the last in person conversation we ever had. She asked me how it felt or why I chose to try to commit suicide twice. And I told her. Then I told her that it wasn't worth it. That I saw how much I would have missed out on but also how much my friends and family would have missed me. I told her that while yes, I believe a person who commits suicide goes to heaven, it isn't necessarily the way to go. I didn't press her for more information although not a day goes by where I wish I had. I thought I was being respectful to her wishes.

The next conversation we had was when we went to lunch, just the two of us after church. She said things were getting better and I believed her. It was her birthday week. I remember smiling more than the last conversation we had.

Two days later it was her birthday. I texted her that I hoped she was having a great day with her boyfriend that flew down and that I loved her. I thank God every day that I told her one last time that I loved her.

Because the next morning she hung herself. And that evening I got the worst call of my whole life telling me what had happened.

Today is hard. Unfortunately, the next few weeks will be even harder.