Sunday, October 23, 2016

What they don't know

Today I opened up to some friends about how terrible this past week was. What they don't know and what I left out was that I not only feel isolated by my cohort but also by them.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Strong reminder

Strong reminder from God this morning when I read the verse of the day...

"An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy." Proverbs 27: 5-6. I have to try to convince myself that I probably wasn't wounded on purpose and that the person is a friend... not my enemy. And also... kisses from an enemy? Basically acid right? No one wants acid on their skin....

Saturday, October 15, 2016

October is always hard for me

This month is conflicting for me... I love Halloween and autumn, but this is the month where I begin to relive one of the hardest times of my life.

I'm reminded that it's awesome that my school starts with mental health as a subject because goodness knows, I haven't been 100% mentally healthy for a very long time. As I'm reviewing for my test coming up (and yes I am sabotaging myself a bit right now), I came across my professor's slide of Gestalt Therapy and the Gestalt Prayer. As I reflect on what happened seven years ago and how much it hurt to lose a friend physically and how I'm losing a friend right now... I need to remember this "Gestalt Prayer"

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

First week done!

So my first week of school is done with and I have to say that my stress level is ... still the same but feels different. I know that sounds weird but basically before school started, it felt like this gigantic question mark that loomed over me and threatening my sanity.

Now that question mark is much smaller but ... I still have some stress and anxiety. Yes all my teachers/lecturers/professors have reiterated over and over that each student is there not by chance but because they were exclusively chosen by the faculty... and because they know we can succeed in these programs. It's fantastic to hear but my old nagging, self-destructive voice is still there saying, "Are you sure? You're pretty old now. You don't remember stuff like you used to. The rest of the cohort is smarter, younger and faster. Remember how poorly you did in school?"

That voice is something I know I have to fight hard and with the help and prayers of my aptly named "Thunder Buddies" (a term I'm taking from my dear friend Adam from ... I think I can do it.

So far, even the fiancé has been great. He's been great at making sure I'm doing all my reading and school work. But even still, there's that negative voice again that says, "yes but you're not paying him enough attention and he will resent you..." 

Ugh the negative voice sucks. I should name it something horrible... like Voldemort. And then defeat it! Hmmm this has proved to be a good session of writing. 

Onward and upward!!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Started nursing school!

So I finally have moved on to start my career as a healthcare practitioner. I got into nursing school at Samuel Merritt about 3 miles from where I live (so now I bicycle instead of drive!) and over the next two years (and a few months) I finally get to learn about being the best healthcare practitioner I can be!

It has been such a journey til now. I've been applying for the last two years but super seriously for the last year. It has been a struggle and really re-ignited some issues I thought I had gotten over and made others just come super to the forefront (like my depression).

It's day two of school and I'm loving it. One of our teachers said today, "Another way to show you really care is to let go." That statement spoke to me on so many different levels. All of the staff/faculty have been telling us as well that we are all here because they CHOSE us. They didn't have to let any one of us in but they chose us out of a field of applicants. I have to remind myself of that. The administration chose me because they saw my potential and they know I can finish the program. I have to stop the self defeat and beating up.

The other day I had this amazing talk/hang out with a friend and it seriously was absolutely necessary and fantastic. She confirmed and affirmed so many of my feelings that I haven't said to anyone aloud because I just felt foolish. She supported me and continues to support me which feels astonishingly awesome.

Anyway, I felt like I needed to get all that out before I forgot. Phew.

Thursday, May 12, 2016


I had heard recently about this movement and was interested of course because as a Korean-American,  I am of course proud that John Cho is Korean as well.

While driving home today, I caught the tail end of an interview that NPR was doing with the man who started the hashtag. He was very insightful and reminded me of feelings I had back in high school and even into my adult years.

As the youngest of three, I was at an advantage when I was applying to go to college. My siblings could give me tips and tricks on my applications and essays so that I could get into some UC (University of California) school. I have never been the best, typical student so I had to really rely on my essays and all the extracurricular stuff I did to set me apart from the intensely competitive class I was in. Luckily I got into UC Davis but that's not the point. While I was applying, I saw many questions regarding being a minority. I was pretty sure I am a minority but I remember asking my older sister and her explaining to me that no, we are not really a minority any more... in terms of college anyway.

That was really frustrating for me. My thoughts were, "So what just because I'm Asian, I'm automatically supposed to be good at conventional school and get extremely high standardized testing scores...? And if I don't, it's a shame and I don't get in anywhere since against my other (Asian) peers I don't measure up?" I started to get so angry at the fact that yes, I am good at math and I wear corrective lenses. I wanted to yell, "HEY! I have contacts/glasses because I sat too close to the TV not from pulling all nighters" just to prove that I wasn't your "run of the mill" Asian girl.

But that's the thing. I'm not your typical Asian girl. I'm tall, not skinny by any means, play/coach water polo, and am "too loud." When I was in grad school, this one woman had the nerve to tell me that I'm not Korean... I'm only American. Who was she to tell me how I identify? (Sorry that was a total random tangent).When people think of Asians, we are what's called the "model minority."

Honestly? I fucking hate that phrase. It creates this false identity that a percentage of Asian Americans may actually be, but it gets blanketed to all of us. When I tried to apply to medical school, I again felt the sting of being a part of the "model minority" and could not get fully accepted. I was wait listed twice but just didn't make the cut.

I'm feeling it now as I apply to nursing school because I still want to work with patients who are underserved. I have applied to the same school three times and have been rejected three times (obviously I've applied to other schools as well and also have gotten rejected).

Anyway, I think #StarringJohnCho is amazing because not only does it show the harsh reality that Hollywood is severely lacking in diversity, but it shows that Asians shouldn't be pigeon holed into "those characters." And not only that, more and more people should realize that not all Asian women laugh quietly behind their hands, are meek, are "exotic" (another thing that I HATE) and love being told what to do... Not all Asian men are totally asexual and are not well endowed (I don't know this personally but just like any other ethnicity, there are variations). Asian men can be sexy too. Trust me. Oh and we don't always have to have an exaggerated accent.

Maybe another hashtag can be #stoppigeonholingme .... or can that have another connotation? I don't know. Kids are weird these days and I don't know how to use hashtags.

You should listen to the whole interview. It's great.

Monday, May 2, 2016

No buenos

So I started to watch a new show called My 600 lb life... and it really is not good for me. Because I can't help but to think that's what people think of me.

And all I want to do is to stop eating so I lose weight. But I love food too much. But that's what these people say... "I love food" ... I'm conflicted, angry and sad with/at myself. Sigh.