Friday, November 20, 2015

I did it.

I finally told him of the stress I've been in and why. I don't like the response but at least I told him. I feel sick to my stomach and my hands are trembling but I hope that at least part of my heart can be at peace now that I told him...

I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable again until circumstances change... but I'll be praying for a change ASAP.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

She would have been 29 today

Another year, another post for her. My beautiful friend. Today, I thought of her and how happy she looked all the time. But that's just it. It was happy. Temporary. There was less joy. She would've been 29 today. She probably would already have been married to him and possibly gotten pregnant. I wonder if she would have invited me to her 29th.

As I get older, the number of relationships that I actually care to keep decreases. Unfortunately, some of those I want to keep don't feel the same way. But then again, those who I don't especially care about probably feel the same way I do.

In the past 6 years, I've used her death as a motivator to be the best friend I can be. I've learned that trying to do that, hurts way more than I feel like it's supposed to. So now, I distance. Now, I want to be that friend that I was disappointed in... the one who buries herself in just her family and partner. I want to say, "Suck it bitches!" to all my friends and just desert.

But then again, I would want to feel important in someone's life. Too often I feel like I'm not important enough.... and then I go back to her. Why didn't she feel important enough? What could I have done to make her see that I needed her as that base at home that I could always go back to? How do I make it so I don't follow the same thoughts she did? (again, no worries, I'm not going to do anything to harm myself).

Just some things that I've been thinking about and learned over the past year... Some people want you to be their friends and some people couldn't give 2 shits about you. You just have to be smart enough to decipher which ones really do and which ones feel obligated to.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Another fear

Yesterday the SO and I were driving back from a friend gathering and I came across this realization... As much as I bitch and moan about how I feel like my friends are basically leaving me in the dust as they knit closer to each other, I have this frantic feeling to still try to keep them close. And also probably why I bitch and moan about this .. and I'm finally getting to the reason...

I am terrified that I will have a repeat of my friend who committed suicide.

There. I said it. On the internet. I have three friends that I keep in touch with over text and we basically use this to ask for prayer and to try to encourage each other when the depression gets really bad.

But it's not only those three that I worry about. It's my other friends who I find out things about really late and all I can do in my head is say, "Act like you knew about this so it seems like you are close so that in the future they will tell you when things are rough," and on the outside show how concerned I am. I know as I get older people fade away and will choose others to ally themselves with but I can't help but feel that I will be slowly counted out. I already feel that with one friend, someone who I never would've thought it would happen to... so why not the others?

BUT I was so pleasantly surprised that the friend (whose house we were at) gave me a book (that's signed by the author) about her battle through depression. I don't think she realizes how much that book means to me because it shows how she does care and think about me. Things can and will get better. It just takes time and grace I think.

Saturday, June 27, 2015


Yesterday the highest court in the US finally ruled that anyone can get married. It's. About. Freaking. Time.

On this blog I've talked about my faith numerous times, so it's no secret that I'm Christian. And as a Christian I wholeheartedly believe that anyone should have the right to marry no matter who they love. Unfortunately other Christians do not agree with this... especially those in my mother country. They cite passages in the Bible about how homosexuality is a sin blahblahblah... You know what else is in the Bible? Forgiveness. God is just. Love your neighbor as yourself. For that matter, love is the absolute bottom line of the Bible. God literally is love itself. Also in the Bible is that women who are on their period are "unclean" and to sit outside the city until she was done being "unclean." Jesus came so that we wouldn't have to do that anymore and that we could have a relationship with God. That's what the Bible is now. A guide to our relationship with God.

With that fact, how can you say that God hates something He created? That makes absolutely no sense. Why would God condemn someone for the way He created them? And yes. I believe sexual orientation is not a choice. 

Apparently Justice Alito asked, "Well then why not marry four gay men together? Why just two?" The answer is because then you are saying that polygamy is legal. Which is totally different. That is a choice. 

Anyway in the long run I am extremely happy that the majority of our chief justices see the logic in our Constitution and also human rights.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

My naive dream

It's no secret that the health care system here in the US benefits little. With the advent of Obamacare, yes more people have health insurance but is that truly helping them? Today I was listening to Marketplace on 88.5 on my commute home and they talked about health care and this insurance company in Oregon called CareOregon that has this program called "Health Resilience Program." From Marketplace's website: The idea is that healthcare providers leave the exam room and spend more time developing relationships with patients in their kitchens and living rooms.

I was reminded of my naive dream. Back when I wanted to be an MD or DO my dream was to get my degree in primary care and work in urban or rural areas... basically places where people either can't afford health care or have their state Medicaid insurance. My naive dream? To open my own clinic where, yes I would take insurance, but I would have the people that I served pay me in what they could as well... Mainly I thought about food. I'll do your yearly (or however often exam) and you can make me a lasagna, enchiladas... whatever you're good at making.

When I first developed this dream, I was an undergrad student studying abroad in Oaxaca, Mexico in 2006. I was fortunate enough to have a rotating internship at different kinds of clinics in the city and also in Puerto Escondido. I know the health system in Mexico is different from the US but there are similarities as well. People still suffer from the same diseases and also can have the same financial difficulties. My passion for practicing medicine grew and matured. 

Unfortunately, according to the standards of the medical schools here in the US, I do not have what it takes to become a physician. So what am I doing now? Applying to become something 100% better. A nurse practitioner. Why do I think it's better? From what I've seen, nurse practitioners get more time with their patients and still have autonomy. They're not forced just just churn patients and their in and out during the day.  (off the soapbox now)

Back to the dream and the program I listened to today. Some economist from Harvard said that "so many things we do in American health care because we think that they must work....But every time we looked, we’ve found the answer has been a big giant zero." I think/hope he wasn't including primary and preventative care. Because time and time again studies have shown that those two things are actually cost effective. Even this article,, says findings show "mixed results" but aren't mixed results better than billions of dollars being spent on unnecessary treatment? Also, I understand that health care workers need to be compensated for their knowledge at time but goodness gracious.... At the cost of people dying because they can't afford treatment? Where is the Hippocratic oath in that? How can someone feel okay with not treating someone because that someone feels that they won't get compensated justly? You're going to let that person's morbidity continue to decrease?

Okay sorry apparently I climbed back on the soapbox again. Anywho. I know my dream will never come true but maybe one day, I can help bring back the concept of a doctor's (or nurse practitioner) house call so I can be closer to my dream.

(btw here's the article from Marketplace if you want to actually read it:

Monday, May 25, 2015

The things I remember from school

The other day I turned on the shower in my gym and I saw the curtain start to come towards me. Then I suddenly remembered something that I had learned in high school that I, to this day still remember... Due to the severe embarrassment I was caused by a teacher.

When I took physics in high school, I had the same teacher my very intelligent sister had. Unfortunately, our last name isn't very common and we look similar enough where it is pretty obvious that we're family. So, I was already nervous because there was an expectation there that I would pick up physics quickly and well. I really, really didn't. Honestly, after a whole year's worth of college level physics I still don't know/understand physics well. BUT there is one thing I do remember because that teacher asked a simple question in class one day... "When you take a shower does the curtain come towards you or does it get blown outward?" And then, she called on me to answer.

I answered incorrectly. Very incorrectly.

I guessed and said outward. I had to think about it, but I remember all my classmates looking at me, the teacher staring at me, and feeling panicked. So I tried to recall any memories of showering and realized that I had never really taken notice. When I answered incorrectly, the teacher rolled her eyes and shook her head. She said, "Anyone else?" And of course someone else said the correct answer and she emphatically said, "Yes, that's the correct answer."

I felt mortified. I already had a very bruised, very low self-confidence. On top of feeling like a fat, disgusting loser, I felt like a grade-A idiot. Someone who truly needed a dunce cap.

They say the most memorable memories are the negative ones. The insults, the trauma... and this one definitely. I will always remember Bernoulli's effect because of that mortifying moment in high school.

Monday, April 20, 2015

More thoughts on depression

This article is actually pretty good. For almost all the numbers, I know, feel and do them. I feel a little bad because a couple of my friends battle with depression and anxiety at the same time. Thank God that I don't have anxiety but honestly I think it's because I really couldn't handle it. Every time my friends text me about having a panic attack I can't help but feel just so sad... I know I don't want to know what it feels like but at the same time I do so that I can say the right thing.

More about the article... I definitely make things look better than they are. I put on a smile at work every day and in front of most people. It's so tiring and nobody really gets it. Most people just talk talk talk and don't even think about what they're saying. Take my training group for example. The other day they started talking about how depressed people should just start talking about the things that they are grateful for in life. And all I wanted to do was scream, "Yeah, because it's that easy when you are actually haunted by depression." Not only that, I've tried that. Seriously. As a Christian, I try to thank God for all kinds of things, but unfortunately it doesn't work.

Like yesterday at church, before praise started I sat down and prayed thanking God that I made it to church. But then, the praise band started playing and singing... and the songs were mostly about going to heaven and being happy and thankful. And all I could think about was, "Yeah, I'd like to be in heaven right now. So much that I'm totally fine dying. God, give me cancer or something so I can just die and be free of this world."

And yet now here I am at work again putting on a happy face, desperately seeking approval from anyone and everyone. Happy Monday.