Saturday, September 17, 2016

First week done!

So my first week of school is done with and I have to say that my stress level is ... still the same but feels different. I know that sounds weird but basically before school started, it felt like this gigantic question mark that loomed over me and threatening my sanity.

Now that question mark is much smaller but ... I still have some stress and anxiety. Yes all my teachers/lecturers/professors have reiterated over and over that each student is there not by chance but because they were exclusively chosen by the faculty... and because they know we can succeed in these programs. It's fantastic to hear but my old nagging, self-destructive voice is still there saying, "Are you sure? You're pretty old now. You don't remember stuff like you used to. The rest of the cohort is smarter, younger and faster. Remember how poorly you did in school?"

That voice is something I know I have to fight hard and with the help and prayers of my aptly named "Thunder Buddies" (a term I'm taking from my dear friend Adam from sadrunner.com) ... I think I can do it.

So far, even the fiancé has been great. He's been great at making sure I'm doing all my reading and school work. But even still, there's that negative voice again that says, "yes but you're not paying him enough attention and he will resent you..." 

Ugh the negative voice sucks. I should name it something horrible... like Voldemort. And then defeat it! Hmmm this has proved to be a good session of writing. 

Onward and upward!!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Started nursing school!

So I finally have moved on to start my career as a healthcare practitioner. I got into nursing school at Samuel Merritt about 3 miles from where I live (so now I bicycle instead of drive!) and over the next two years (and a few months) I finally get to learn about being the best healthcare practitioner I can be!

It has been such a journey til now. I've been applying for the last two years but super seriously for the last year. It has been a struggle and really re-ignited some issues I thought I had gotten over and made others just come super to the forefront (like my depression).

It's day two of school and I'm loving it. One of our teachers said today, "Another way to show you really care is to let go." That statement spoke to me on so many different levels. All of the staff/faculty have been telling us as well that we are all here because they CHOSE us. They didn't have to let any one of us in but they chose us out of a field of applicants. I have to remind myself of that. The administration chose me because they saw my potential and they know I can finish the program. I have to stop the self defeat and beating up.

The other day I had this amazing talk/hang out with a friend and it seriously was absolutely necessary and fantastic. She confirmed and affirmed so many of my feelings that I haven't said to anyone aloud because I just felt foolish. She supported me and continues to support me which feels astonishingly awesome.

Anyway, I felt like I needed to get all that out before I forgot. Phew.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

#StarringJohnCho

I had heard recently about this movement and was interested of course because as a Korean-American,  I am of course proud that John Cho is Korean as well.

While driving home today, I caught the tail end of an interview that NPR was doing with the man who started the hashtag. He was very insightful and reminded me of feelings I had back in high school and even into my adult years.

As the youngest of three, I was at an advantage when I was applying to go to college. My siblings could give me tips and tricks on my applications and essays so that I could get into some UC (University of California) school. I have never been the best, typical student so I had to really rely on my essays and all the extracurricular stuff I did to set me apart from the intensely competitive class I was in. Luckily I got into UC Davis but that's not the point. While I was applying, I saw many questions regarding being a minority. I was pretty sure I am a minority but I remember asking my older sister and her explaining to me that no, we are not really a minority any more... in terms of college anyway.

That was really frustrating for me. My thoughts were, "So what just because I'm Asian, I'm automatically supposed to be good at conventional school and get extremely high standardized testing scores...? And if I don't, it's a shame and I don't get in anywhere since against my other (Asian) peers I don't measure up?" I started to get so angry at the fact that yes, I am good at math and I wear corrective lenses. I wanted to yell, "HEY! I have contacts/glasses because I sat too close to the TV not from pulling all nighters" just to prove that I wasn't your "run of the mill" Asian girl.

But that's the thing. I'm not your typical Asian girl. I'm tall, not skinny by any means, play/coach water polo, and am "too loud." When I was in grad school, this one woman had the nerve to tell me that I'm not Korean... I'm only American. Who was she to tell me how I identify? (Sorry that was a total random tangent).When people think of Asians, we are what's called the "model minority."

Honestly? I fucking hate that phrase. It creates this false identity that a percentage of Asian Americans may actually be, but it gets blanketed to all of us. When I tried to apply to medical school, I again felt the sting of being a part of the "model minority" and could not get fully accepted. I was wait listed twice but just didn't make the cut.

I'm feeling it now as I apply to nursing school because I still want to work with patients who are underserved. I have applied to the same school three times and have been rejected three times (obviously I've applied to other schools as well and also have gotten rejected).

Anyway, I think #StarringJohnCho is amazing because not only does it show the harsh reality that Hollywood is severely lacking in diversity, but it shows that Asians shouldn't be pigeon holed into "those characters." And not only that, more and more people should realize that not all Asian women laugh quietly behind their hands, are meek, are "exotic" (another thing that I HATE) and love being told what to do... Not all Asian men are totally asexual and are not well endowed (I don't know this personally but just like any other ethnicity, there are variations). Asian men can be sexy too. Trust me. Oh and we don't always have to have an exaggerated accent.

Maybe another hashtag can be #stoppigeonholingme .... or can that have another connotation? I don't know. Kids are weird these days and I don't know how to use hashtags.

You should listen to the whole interview. It's great. http://www.pri.org/stories/2016-05-12/fed-hollywoods-diversity-problem-guy-recreated-movie-posters-starringjohncho

Monday, May 2, 2016

No buenos

So I started to watch a new show called My 600 lb life... and it really is not good for me. Because I can't help but to think that's what people think of me.

And all I want to do is to stop eating so I lose weight. But I love food too much. But that's what these people say... "I love food" ... I'm conflicted, angry and sad with/at myself. Sigh.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Lenten season and realization

Yesterday I realized something pretty important... but before I get there, some background.

When my friend passed away, I was overcome with the need to make sure all my friends knew how much they meant to me to try to ensure if, God forbid, something like that happened again, my guilt would be less severe. So being a good friend was something that I strive for all the time....

When I feel like I'm not being a good friend, I am consumed with sadness and disappointment with myself and become overall very negative towards myself and kind of everyone else as well. This may be a childish reaction, but unfortunately, after dealing with my previous experiences, this is what happens.

Last night I finally realized that since a friendship is a relationship that goes both ways, the person I consider a friend should reciprocate and try to be my friend too. I can't keep going on blaming myself for not being a good friend when in reality, I am being a good friend it's just that the other person, doesn't want to receive it.

That's it. I can be a good friend and a good person, but if the other person doesn't recognize that, then nuts to them and I can move on.

That being said, during this Lenten season, I will recognize one positive thing in my life everyday (and also try to give up cursing). My positive thing today: I have friends who do care about me and check in with me and I am forever grateful for that.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Accomplishments

Today I had my first session with a new therapist. As first sessions go, it was actually pretty okay. I was nervous but when we started talking, it got easier. She finally asked me to ask her questions about her, which I have never had. She said, "Do you want to ask any questions about me? To see if you think we're a good match..." That alone made me so happy. She mentioned she's does mostly somatic psychology so I had her explain that. Instead of explaining it, she had me actually do it.

She had me think of three experiences from birth til now that were supremely positive and after each one she had me stop and examine my body to see what my body felt like. It was nice because even though I do Headspace, I never reaaallly know what I'm looking for. But she talked me through it and it was so cool. I told her that I don't like to mince words and that's why I pause a lot because I try to put a lot of thought into each word I'm saying so I make sure what I say is received the way I want it to be received... no more and no less meaning as I want it to seem. Of course, that doesn't happen but I know that and I try to let it go.

So I've done one of my sort of New Years resolutions and I finally found a new therapist. I'm seeing her again Friday and hopefully it's the same goodness... I hope I can just finish my "homework" by then.

***IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE*** My very good friend has an amazingly encouraging blog at sadrunner.com and this week's post was particularly awesome. Even if you don't like running, he provides some really interesting and provoking insights into depression and anxiety. Go check it out!

Monday, December 14, 2015

A phrase that doesn't help

So like a hopeful goober, I have been applying to nurse practitioner school because I still feel like I am meant to be on the side of practicing medicine rather than the business side of medicine. The problem is that most schools, don't agree with me. I keep getting rejections which is really getting to me. I'm getting so tired of hearing "no," that I'm on the verge of giving up. Maybe I'm not meant to and that's why I keep hearing no...? Ugh whatever.

But to the point of the title of this post... When I tell people that I got yet another rejection, a common response I hear is, "Oh but that school is really hard to get into" or "That's like the Harvard of nursing schools"... I know that those phrases are meant to be encouraging, but to me that just means that those people don't think highly of me that I could even get into those types of schools. Yes, I probably couldn't get into Harvard but to have an external person tell you that they also believe/know that I cannot get into a really good school, is painful.

I've talked about this before I think... but by now if you read this blog, you know that my self-confidence is very low. I don't think I'm good looking, a good friend, nor that great of a person in general. But the ONE thing that I feel slightly more confident about is the fact that I am not a dumb person. Yes it takes me a bit to process something, but I do have a Masters degree and I feel like not everyone has the ability to sit through all the classes, pass the classes, and write a thesis to get a Masters. And I did that (even with a month of almost dying).

So when someone tells me, "Well that school is super hard to get into" all I want to say back is, "So? You think I can't get into that school? Do you think I'm not good enough? Would you have thought they made a mistake if I did get in?"

Ugh. Sorry I know that's a super negative way of looking at what is supposed to be an encouraging statement but right now, that's how I hear those statements.