Monday, March 17, 2014

St. Patrick's Day

A year ago today, I made one of the only mistakes in my life that I wish I could take back. I hooked up with a coworker. I had a crush on him for three months and off-handedly (or so I hoped it would seem) invited him out for a pub crawl that my friends and I were doing to celebrate one of my most favorite holidays, St. Patrick's Day. He said that he'd try which I took as no... but then he showed. I was totally in shock because I had already resigned to being rejected by yet another guy in my life. This was the first guy since the ex that I was stoked about.

So he met us at this horrible little bar in San Francisco whose only saving grace was that is had beer pong. Until that day/night, I had never played it. So we played teams. Somehow (I'm going to chalk it up to beginner's luck), we kept winning. My two real friends that I was with were away drinking (and probably talking about how it was going with me) but also cheering us on. One of them wanted a smoke break so she took the other and they were gone for a while. During that while, we finally lost and lost our place at the table. I should mention that after every good shot, we celebrated. At first it started off really friendly with high fives. Then it progressed to hugs then to quick kisses. I remember when he first kissed me. It was quick but it was enough to send sparks through my head like "HOLY MOLY. HE'S KISSING ME. HE KISSED ME. CRAP CRAP CRAP." So when we lost we sat down and basically immediately started making out. What I mean by that is that we sat awkwardly and said about a sentence each about how fun that was then we just started making out. Then I heard my friends giggle and say loudly, "So I guess we're going to leave...." and I was like NO. DO NOT LEAVE ME HERE. So, the coworker, my friends and I went to my friend's house where we put in a DVD... but then the other folks went to bed. Then, we hooked up. On their couch. UGH.

Then ensued the longest, stupidest non-relationship I've ever had. I fell wayyyyyyy too hard and fast for him. He told me about 6 weeks in that he was still getting over a failed engagement and even then I said, "It's okay. I still want to be friends and hook up. I can separate my feelings." NOPE. NOT. POSSIBLE. He was hot and cold from March until September. And in October, I finally called it quits. No more. I couldn't stop myself from having a healthy relationship (I started talking to a guy from OkCupid who I am happily still with now) just on the off chance that this stupid coworker would miraculously be over his ex-fiancee and love me back. I wrote him a letter (which took him a month to read) telling him that I couldn't do this to myself anymore and that he is very obviously still in love with his ex. I know he read it. I don't know his response. Which is fine. I don't want to know

All I can say is, thank God my boyfriend and I found each other on Facebook so I could have faith in men but also, let myself have an actual healthy relationship for a change.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Depression

I've been seeing and hearing more adverts about depression which is actually a very good thing in my opinion. Getting the word out there makes it easier for people to talk about and makes it less of a stigma.

My personal battle with depression started when I was about 14. It started with me feeling like I only had friends because they didn't want to be on the other end of my bullying. Then I felt so terrible for the things that I had done... I felt so guilty. And then the self-loathing and self-hate started. And then I started looking at myself and comparing to myself to others. To me there was no place for a tall, dark, big sporty Asian girl in the world. Then I started to go down this terrible, dark rabbit hole of feeling bad for myself and feeling badly for myself. So badly in fact that I tried to end my life twice. After that, I confessed to my youth group during a camp my thoughts and they came to my rescue. The song "Came to My Rescue" by Hillsong United comes to mind. God truly sent Pastor Evan to my rescue.

Depression comes in waves. I feel like once you've had a really dark time in your life, unfortunately, it can come back to haunt you. Like now. I'm feeling the same symptoms as before but I know I have nothing to be depressed about. I'm in a really great relationship with a really great guy, I know my friends love and support me, I have a great job... but I can't shake this feeling of sadness/stress. It's like this gigantic monkey on my back. I've started doing QT again and I've been doing it for about a month but I'm thinking it's not enough. I think I really need to plug into a church. The boyfriend said he'd go with me too which is a plus.

I know God is present. I will always know this. But I am in that place where it is difficult to see the light. I will get there. I must remember, this too shall pass.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Ode to Charlie Brown (the dog)

Today I'm at home sick because my stomach has been uber weird. I feel better today but to play it safe (also because I really really did not want to go to work today.. that's another blog post in and of itself) I stayed home again today.

Basically all morning, I've been kind of sad and been thinking a lot about my friend who passed away 4 years ago. I have amazing friends though and God really is so good because out of no where my friend who I thought was done being friends with me last year texted me saying, "Reminder of the day: You are an amazing friend." At a time when I feel like I have no friends because I'm such a bad one, to get that text just really made my day. Well one of my best friends KO dropped by the other day and it totally made me cry because I felt so unbelievably loved by her. She lives NO WHERE NEAR me.... and she happened to be in the area and decided to surprise me! I love surprises... especially from people that I love.

So anyway, I've been feeling super down and very unlovable because I basically told this guy that I really liked him and his response was basically that he was still in love with his ex-fiancee.... if that isn't a big fat no then I don't know what is.

BUT ANYWHO. Onto my (house mate's) awesome dog!

Charlie Brown aka Charles Barkely aka Chuck
Yesterday, my house mate told me that sometimes, when he's home and I'm not, the dog, Charlie Brown (he's a chocolate lab) will lay down by my door.... Call me ridiculous but I got a little teary. I always thought that he didn't really care about me because he's got a great owner and the owner's S.O. also has been getting lots of love. But he actually does miss me when I'm not at home! Can dogs get any better than that? I don't think so. And then just now, I decided it was time to play some music on the keyboard and maybe try to sing a little (only sad songs of course) and he came over and put his head on my lap... ON MY LAP. As if he knew that I'm not feeling great.

It's official. I love Charlie Brown aka Charles Barkley the dog. He is my favorite dog ever. EVER. He may be a little dumb and a lot stinky, but man, is he lovable.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Four years ago today

Four years ago today, I did my first half marathon (without really training for it) and didn't tell anyone. Therefore, no one at church knew why I wasn't at church. I got a text from one of my really good friends telling me that she missed me that day and was sad that she didn't see me. Little did I know that it was the beginning of the end.

This year I am amazed at how true it is that time is the only thing that can heal wounds. I'm not saying that this wound is completely healed, but it's getting there. It's finally getting there.

When she texted me that she had missed me, I did think it a bit odd. She had a lot of other friends so for her to notice me not there was interesting. I told her that I would definitely be there the next week. She wasn't but instead we went to hang out in the middle of the week. We watched Zombieland in theaters and there I had the most memorable conversation in my whole life. I remember every word. Every look (even though we were in the movie theater). How I felt. How carefully I chose each word. I remember this conversation more than I remember the last in person conversation we ever had. She asked me how it felt or why I chose to try to commit suicide twice. And I told her. Then I told her that it wasn't worth it. That I saw how much I would have missed out on but also how much my friends and family would have missed me. I told her that while yes, I believe a person who commits suicide goes to heaven, it isn't necessarily the way to go. I didn't press her for more information although not a day goes by where I wish I had. I thought I was being respectful to her wishes.

The next conversation we had was when we went to lunch, just the two of us after church. She said things were getting better and I believed her. It was her birthday week. I remember smiling more than the last conversation we had.

Two days later it was her birthday. I texted her that I hoped she was having a great day with her boyfriend that flew down and that I loved her. I thank God every day that I told her one last time that I loved her.

Because the next morning she hung herself. And that evening I got the worst call of my whole life telling me what had happened.

Today is hard. Unfortunately, the next few weeks will be even harder.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

More wacky dreams

The past few nights I spent at my parents' house. And as the title suggests, I had some weird dreams. These two I remember with more detail than any other.

The first one was a few nights ago so I don't remember too much but I was running from someone or chasing someone. What I do remember was that it was very stressful and there was a lot of pressure weighing on me to get away from or catch this person. Weird that I cannot, for the life of me remember which it is. All I remember is the immense amount of pressure. I didn't feel like I, or any other person was going to die, just a lot was riding on the outcome of this pursuit.

The other was either last night or the night before (whenever I say that I always think "24 robbers came a-knockin' at my door). And basically, again there was some kind of immense pressure ... but I was at a beach of some kind. It was a very popular beach and I was there with some friends but then I met up some other people that I knew as well. I was this awesome surfer (of course this is my dream) that was catching some waves at one end of the beach, and then walked over to the other side where I met more people. Some how, I got wind that there was going to be this gigantic wave but not in a good way. To the point where it would wash people away. And for some reason, no one knew but me and also no one believed me. So I had to race back over to warn every one but by that time the waves had started getting bigger and bigger and washing up on the shore farther and farther up. People just thought it was the tide but something was wrong. So I kept telling people to get off the beach but instead of evacuating, they just laughed and kept going further up. And then I couldn't find my own stuff, like my board, phone, clothes.... It was weird. The next thing I remember is that I'm looking literally into a wave and I see a whale and a shark. It's like a wall of water. If you've seen Evan Almighty it's like that scene when the wave comes up to wash over the ark.

Anyway, it's safe to say that my dreams were about pressure. And no wonder. I take the MCAT for the third and final time this week. After this, it's over. I call it quits on my dreams of being a physician. Le sigh. no pressure right? bleh

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

More dating drama.. Meh

First and foremost, this song:

So about a month ago, I downloaded this app on my smartphone called Tinder. For the gay community out there, it's like Grinder, for straight folks. Well, you can look for a gay relationship on it too but yeah. Honestly it is SO MUCH FUN. It's very satisfying. You get to know right away if a guy has "hearted" you, and it's uber quick. It connects you according to where you are and how far away you want your connection to be, your interests on Facebook, and the photos you choose from your Facebook. Fast. Convenient. Easy.

ANYWHO.

So to be completely honest, I connected with two guys from it. One is an engineer, I'll call him Tony and the other is a DJ/Digital media designer and I'll call him Caleb. Both are taller than  me, have blue eyes and are white. That's pretty much where the similarities end.

Caleb is nice enough, makes me laugh, and communicates with me every day. He texts me when he wakes up, throughout the day, and then before he goes to sleep. It's super nice knowing that someone really wants to talk to me like that! However, he's kind of a jerkface. He's already gotten annoyed/angry with me twice (about being late/not communicating well) and then kind of text-yelled at me today because I joked around about what my doctor appointment was about and he didn't think it was funny. But I'm hesitant to break it off because he does make me laugh and we do have a good time together...

Tony and I have the same taste in music and we bonded over that. He's super nice and is really good at making plan when he wants to make plans.. but therein lies the issue. He's not that responsive when I want him to be. Haha. He's super nice and attentive when we're physically together, but when we're not, it's like I don't exist. Well, I'm being pretty dramatic about that but I'm Korean so it's in my blood.... So it's probably not like I don't exist but rather that I'm just not a priority. There's the other issue...

So maybe a while ago I realized that I actually do  want to be in a serious relationship. Okay not like marriage but more than just dating casually. I'm still fine being single but something a few months ago spurred me to say "Hm, I guess it'd be kind of nice to share ______ with someone. And have someone care about me in a different way than everyone else does." It might have been when I was sort of seeing this other guy and he was totally  playing with my emotions. So basically, I want to be a priority in someone's life too... And for Tony it seems like he's pretty okay with me as priority 3 or below. I duno.

Anywho. I like Tony better (I'm sure that's obvious) but I do like Caleb to a certain extent.

In the end, Love STINKS.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Joy vs happiness

Oh hello... I haven't blogged in forever. BUT I wanted/needed to blog about something a pastor said yesterday. He pastors my home church but since moving I haven't found (honestly even started to look for) a new one in my new city. It's just so taxing to find a new community. Anyway.

So Pastor Lee just got back from short-term missions and his sabbatical in Cambodia and Korea (respectively). He said something that I haven't thought about in a long time. He said that people usually tell him that when they're doing short-term missions they're filled with this feeling that they can't describe. And he said it's joy. Rather than happiness. Because after they leave that place, it stays with them and permeates their respective lives.

I can totally testify to that. Additionally, I realized that's what has been missing from my life for a long time. And as he was talking, I remembered how great I felt during the number of times I've done short-term missions. The first time I went in grade 7 to Mexico opened the door to my love of Latin culture and wanting to learn Spanish til the last time in 2009 in Cambodia. As I got older, I was given more responsibilities not just in terms of leadership, but with caring for people and spiritually. It stretched me but in the best way possible. And the joy lasted for so long...

After being disconnected from a church body for about six months the difference between happiness and joy have become very apparent to me. I experience way more mood swings and it's because I don't have that amazing underlying joy but rather fleeting happiness. I can give love to others but because of the lack of love that I have for myself (and therefore not feeling the grace that I know have and receive daily) I am unhappy and not filled with joy.

I can't explain the difference really. Just that joy doesn't really depend on feelings; rather, it is a lasting, peaceful, content feeling. Words don't really do it justice. You can have joy but experience "negative feelings" as well. I remember the first time I realized that I had joy while actually experiencing it (rather than just looking back and realizing that I had joy). In that moment, I was also happy... Joy + Happiness = Absolutely amazing.