Monday, April 20, 2015

More thoughts on depression

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lexi-herrick/11-habits-of-people-with-_b_6384062.html

This article is actually pretty good. For almost all the numbers, I know, feel and do them. I feel a little bad because a couple of my friends battle with depression and anxiety at the same time. Thank God that I don't have anxiety but honestly I think it's because I really couldn't handle it. Every time my friends text me about having a panic attack I can't help but feel just so sad... I know I don't want to know what it feels like but at the same time I do so that I can say the right thing.

More about the article... I definitely make things look better than they are. I put on a smile at work every day and in front of most people. It's so tiring and nobody really gets it. Most people just talk talk talk and don't even think about what they're saying. Take my training group for example. The other day they started talking about how depressed people should just start talking about the things that they are grateful for in life. And all I wanted to do was scream, "Yeah, because it's that easy when you are actually haunted by depression." Not only that, I've tried that. Seriously. As a Christian, I try to thank God for all kinds of things, but unfortunately it doesn't work.

Like yesterday at church, before praise started I sat down and prayed thanking God that I made it to church. But then, the praise band started playing and singing... and the songs were mostly about going to heaven and being happy and thankful. And all I could think about was, "Yeah, I'd like to be in heaven right now. So much that I'm totally fine dying. God, give me cancer or something so I can just die and be free of this world."

And yet now here I am at work again putting on a happy face, desperately seeking approval from anyone and everyone. Happy Monday.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The brain does some weird crap

A couple nights ago I had a very odd dream. I don't know if my psyche was stirred b/c an "ex" recently got married and I realized that I wasn't over him but my dream involved my only true ex (the only other serious boyfriend than the one I have now).

I don't remember all the details but the most vivid was that I looked amazing... skinny and stuff. My current boyfriend and I were hanging out and then he went to the restroom. My ex, let's call him Benedict (b/c I wish it was Benedict Cumberbatch let's be real), comes up behind me and says, "Hi Christine." And it was odd because at first I didn't recognize him and he had to say that it was him and how we met. When I finally realized it was him, all these emotions came flooding back and I had to steady myself. He started to say, "You look amaz..." and then my current boyfriend came back and said, "Uh hi who are you?" And I introduced them then added, "Yeah we need to go to that show.. we're going to be late" and said, "Bye, Benedict. Have a nice life."

Explanation: "Have a nice life" is the last thing he said to me. And I felt like it was so final and so harsh.

anyway. I woke up being so confused. I hadn't thought about him so long... But again it was probably my subconscious messing with me. as if i got too much sleep in general.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

The internet sucks

The internet sucks because....

it enables you to stalk an "ex" and then when you see who they're with currently and consequently because of the stalking and then stalking that person they're with, figure out that the "ex" was actually seeing them while you two were together...... makes you feel so, so stupid and even more disgusted with yourself.

And by yourself I mean myself. Why, why do I do this to myself? I just wasted 40 minutes of my life looking at stupid Facebook through photos and timelines realizing more and more that I'm an idiot. And now, I will only get 5 hours of sleep.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Happy Easter!

He is risen! Happy Easter!!


I wish I could see where these odd traditions that have nothing to do with the reason for the holiday came from. I'm sure with the magic of the interwebs it'd be very easy to find out... but I also think it's interesting that somebody, somewhere arbitrarily said, "Hey, soo it's spring time and there's Passover and Easter... so let's say everything for those holidays should be pastel colored!" I was thinking about this the other day actually. Most holidays that I can think of actually have very arbitrary color schemes... Halloween? I mean I guess I can see the orange because it's fall but why orange and black? Why not orange and... grey? Or brown? Thanksgiving is orange and brown which again I guess has to do with autumn and turkeys... but Christmas with red and green? I guess it just doesn't make sense to me.

Anyway. Really why I'm writing today is to openly and publicly apologize to someone named Jeff. There are millions out there but if the one I'm thinking about is reading this you know who you are.

What I did to you is inexcusable. I have this tendency (because of my ingrained depression) to destroy everything and anything that is good for me. This includes relationships. I'm not excusing my actions with my depression. Depression is not an excuse for hurting someone else. I led you on because you made me feel good. You made me feel loved in a way that I thought was different from my partner now. Then when you two argued and you needed time away, I thought you were probably fine. When now I see you weren't. You don't deserve to be treated that way and I am so sorry for what I did. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

I really really dislike lying

I mean who likes lying/liars? No one really. I used to be good at it (or so I thought)... and actually with certain things I still am.

But when it comes to friends and things that matter, I try to never lie. Especially about little stuff that doesn't matter. Don't pretend to be close to me or care about what I think for my gain. If you don't care, don't ask.

Ugh.

Also the longer I live life, the more humans disgust me. And also the more I am amazed that God loves all of us so much... even though some people choose to do ugly things like lie about how their child parents which led to their own child's death. I'm not even close to joking. I heard about this tragic story of a 2 year old boy drowned in the tub after hitting his head. The boy's grandfather started spreading some lies about the boy's mother. So that CPS took the mom's 4 daughters away... like that family needs ANYMORE heartache....

Yes I don't know the whole story. But I do know the person who was telling me the story and she wouldn't make shit up. Phoo. Anyway.. byeeee

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Ugh

Yesterday for the third time in my life, thoughts of ending my life were screaming in my head. Through the grace and mercy of some amazing friends and family and a very good man standing by me, I am alive. Thank you God that I have a support system... even if they are far away.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Knowing what to do

So I've been thinking a lot of what I want to do and what I have to do... and now. I know exactly what I have to do. I don't like it because I feel that it goes against who I am to the core but in order to maintain the balance of things... it must be done.

It's kind of like that saying in Spideman... With great power comes great responsibility. For me, great change comes with great pain. But maybe, this is part of what God wants to change of me.

I guess, what doesn't kill you makes me stronger... and I sure hope this isn't what kills me.