Sunday, August 31, 2014

Depression sucks part... yeah

One of my closest friends got married yesterday. I am so so happy for her... beyond anyone can see. But like my title says, depression sucks.

I just can't seem to get happy. Not only that, I've lost my joy. The thought of my physical existence ending has come across my mind a couple times this month. I'll never do it. Trust me. I've seen what suicide does to families and friends. Luckily my Korean guilt is too strong for me to do anything. But when the whole Robin Williams thing came out, I couldn't help but think, "He's so lucky, he's so brave."

How do I know more than what's above that I'm clinically depressed right now? I'm suffering from daily headaches and neck pain. Yes that could be due to my job but it has only gotten really bad the past couple months, when the depression/funk started getting really bad. I'm exhausted all the time because of the face I have to put on in front of my friends, family, and work. The face that everything is okay and I am completely fine. I put aside the fact that I feel like I'm a disgusting human being and don't deserve to have loving relationships and force a smile.

Yesterday was so rough. It started out great when I woke up in a comfy hotel bed. But then the reality of the day set in. I had to go get my hair and makeup done. In front of the other girls. And then get dressed. Don't get me wrong... I have the best girlfriends in the world. They would never judge me nor look at me with stink eye but I couldn't shake the feeling that they were going to see me and think, "Dear Lord... are you serious? Well at least I'll look good." It's insanity. Why? Like I said, my friends are the least judgmental, most loving people I know. My thoughts went even worse to think that my friend (the bride) only asked me to be a bridesmaid because all of our other friends were her bridesmaids. So she was obligated to ask me otherwise it would look obvious that she doesn't really think much of me.

When Robin Williams died and all the things he was dealing with came out, I couldn't help but sob at every new fact... because mainly, that's exactly how I feel. Made to be the clown, the funny one, always ready with energy and good times... but on the inside, turmoil. Mine is probably very different from what Mr. Williams' was but still.

The difference is that I opened up more about mine and now I have people praying for me. People who I know, truly don't want me to give up. If I could just convince my heart to follow my head, things would be better. It'll take time

By the way, if you know of anyone who is dealing with depression, NEVER, and I mean NEVER tell them to "just feel better" ... that's the worst. Why? Because if we could "just feel better" everything would be solved. We are not attention hungry. We don't want your pity. We need your love. We need to feel wanted. We need to feel significant. Don't brush off when someone says they're depressed. But also, don't use that word lightly. Please.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

My rebuttal to all the soccer haters

Here we go. I feel like I go through this every four years. The soccer haters come out every World Cup and then my defensive claws come out. This is not pointed at any one person but to all those folks who say, "Soccer is so dumb" or "Soccer is so boring" or "Soccer is full of cheaters/diving..." or anything in that genre of haterade.

Let me start by saying yes. I probably am biased because I played the "beautiful game" for 10 years of my life. And that is in quotes because that is what its nickname is. Not because I'm being sarcastic or don't agree with that. Because I do. I really do.

Why is it called the "Beautiful Game"? Well one of the reasons is because anyone in the world can play it as long as you have a ball and can make some kind of makeshift goal with whatever you have... sticks, rocks, metal, big piles of poop.... (okay that last one is weird but you could if you really needed to). Another reason is the camaraderie it brings between the fans but also the players. Yes, a lot of crap happens but that's the same with any sport. The only other time when opposing teams come together to support their country is the Olympics. And at the Olympics, it's divided by sport. At the World Cup, entire countries get behind ONE team and give their full support and love that team. Yes, fans get insanely upset (like I did today at my beloved EspaƱa when they played horribly and sooooo not cohesively) but that happens at lots of sporting events. Case in point: the rivalry between the Dodgers and Giants is so bad, someone almost lost hisLIFE. In my humble opinion it is also called that because it has the hottest guys... but again. That's just me

To rebut the point that it's boring watching guys run around a field for 90 minutes... you obviously don't know how to watch the game and are close minded enough to not even try to have someone explain it to you. You know that most people in the world think that the NFL is boring and dumb too right? Again, it's because they don't know how to watch it. For the longest time I refused to watch baseball because I thought it was boring but then I had someone start to explain things and I realized that I was being close minded. Now I really enjoy going to baseball games!

"It's full of divers and cheaters." Let me ask you this: What sport doesn't have SOME kind of cheater? Football: penalties and flags all over the place. Baseball: Steroids (actually a good number of sports). Basketball: also more penalties and trying to cheat the system. Yes. Admittedly, in soccer there are some people/countries who are more prone to diving/whining and looking for calls. Have someone come at you with cleats going for your knee and you see how you like it. If you perceive yourself to be in danger, it's danger. Some of them are over whining.. yeah. *coughronaldocough*

Anyway. That's my rant. So how about the next time you decide to open your mouth and bag on a game that most of the people on this planet enjoy, you think about what you're about to say?

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Desperation as a friend isn't pretty

So let me give some background. If you read this blog, you will know that I experienced something that no young person should ever have to go through. The loss of a friend to suicide. That was definitely one of the most difficult times of my whole short life thus far and I know that the only thing that will usurp its place is the loss of one of my parents. I will not be able to handle that. I already know this.

Anyway back to the point of this post. When my friend passed away, it really brought to light how desperate I am as a friend but also intensified that desperation. What do I mean by this? 

So in high school but also mostly in college I had this thing about being left out. Not that I had to be the center of attention, but that I wanted to know everything that everyone else knew. I didn't like inside jokes that I wasn't a part of and hated when someone would reference a story and I was the only one who wasn't present at the time the story took place. Those kinds of things. It got particularly difficult in college as all of my close friends (literally all) went to UCSD and I went to Davis. To this day I don't regret that at all but in that time of my life, I hated it. I felt like everyone like everyone else better than me and I was getting edged out. 

I look back and that was so desperate and sad. I'm definitely better about it now but like I said, when my friend passed away almost five years ago, it sparked that desperation back and set off a roaring version of that. I became that clingy, telling all my friends I love them friend. My friends understood, and still understand, that I have to tell them that I love them. Because that's the one thing that kept me from jumping off a bridge myself; was that in our texts to each other the day before she died, I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me. I cling to that like nobody's business. 

What's sparking this post is that one of my very, very closest and dear friends is battling depression right now. What's more difficult is that she's pregnant. I just found out how bad it got and (selfishly) it made me really sad. Because before, she and I would've talked it out. But now she has moved onto other friends and it makes me feel sad that she doesn't talk to me anymore about it. I get that one of the other friends has also been pregnant but I guess I just feel like I haven't been a good enough friend to her so that she would come to me and vent/tell me the things she's going through. I haven another close friend who is going through depression as well but he is much more vocal and we have been talking more which is nice (It's amazing how something so ugly and horrible as depression can bring people together).

And now, my friend that I live with, sometimes I feel like now that he has a partner, he doesn't share as much stuff with me. I know this is inconsequential but like the jobs he's applying for... Again I know this is selfish but I just want to lend my support! Is that so bad?

Yeah I know. You think this is just another desperate cry for assurance and digging for compliments but it's not. Truly, I just want to be a better friend so that all my friends know that I love them and my life would be made much worse if they were not a part of my life.

Monday, March 17, 2014

St. Patrick's Day

A year ago today, I made one of the only mistakes in my life that I wish I could take back. I hooked up with a coworker. I had a crush on him for three months and off-handedly (or so I hoped it would seem) invited him out for a pub crawl that my friends and I were doing to celebrate one of my most favorite holidays, St. Patrick's Day. He said that he'd try which I took as no... but then he showed. I was totally in shock because I had already resigned to being rejected by yet another guy in my life. This was the first guy since the ex that I was stoked about.

So he met us at this horrible little bar in San Francisco whose only saving grace was that is had beer pong. Until that day/night, I had never played it. So we played teams. Somehow (I'm going to chalk it up to beginner's luck), we kept winning. My two real friends that I was with were away drinking (and probably talking about how it was going with me) but also cheering us on. One of them wanted a smoke break so she took the other and they were gone for a while. During that while, we finally lost and lost our place at the table. I should mention that after every good shot, we celebrated. At first it started off really friendly with high fives. Then it progressed to hugs then to quick kisses. I remember when he first kissed me. It was quick but it was enough to send sparks through my head like "HOLY MOLY. HE'S KISSING ME. HE KISSED ME. CRAP CRAP CRAP." So when we lost we sat down and basically immediately started making out. What I mean by that is that we sat awkwardly and said about a sentence each about how fun that was then we just started making out. Then I heard my friends giggle and say loudly, "So I guess we're going to leave...." and I was like NO. DO NOT LEAVE ME HERE. So, the coworker, my friends and I went to my friend's house where we put in a DVD... but then the other folks went to bed. Then, we hooked up. On their couch. UGH.

Then ensued the longest, stupidest non-relationship I've ever had. I fell wayyyyyyy too hard and fast for him. He told me about 6 weeks in that he was still getting over a failed engagement and even then I said, "It's okay. I still want to be friends and hook up. I can separate my feelings." NOPE. NOT. POSSIBLE. He was hot and cold from March until September. And in October, I finally called it quits. No more. I couldn't stop myself from having a healthy relationship (I started talking to a guy from OkCupid who I am happily still with now) just on the off chance that this stupid coworker would miraculously be over his ex-fiancee and love me back. I wrote him a letter (which took him a month to read) telling him that I couldn't do this to myself anymore and that he is very obviously still in love with his ex. I know he read it. I don't know his response. Which is fine. I don't want to know

All I can say is, thank God my boyfriend and I found each other on Facebook so I could have faith in men but also, let myself have an actual healthy relationship for a change.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Depression

I've been seeing and hearing more adverts about depression which is actually a very good thing in my opinion. Getting the word out there makes it easier for people to talk about and makes it less of a stigma.

My personal battle with depression started when I was about 14. It started with me feeling like I only had friends because they didn't want to be on the other end of my bullying. Then I felt so terrible for the things that I had done... I felt so guilty. And then the self-loathing and self-hate started. And then I started looking at myself and comparing to myself to others. To me there was no place for a tall, dark, big sporty Asian girl in the world. Then I started to go down this terrible, dark rabbit hole of feeling bad for myself and feeling badly for myself. So badly in fact that I tried to end my life twice. After that, I confessed to my youth group during a camp my thoughts and they came to my rescue. The song "Came to My Rescue" by Hillsong United comes to mind. God truly sent Pastor Evan to my rescue.

Depression comes in waves. I feel like once you've had a really dark time in your life, unfortunately, it can come back to haunt you. Like now. I'm feeling the same symptoms as before but I know I have nothing to be depressed about. I'm in a really great relationship with a really great guy, I know my friends love and support me, I have a great job... but I can't shake this feeling of sadness/stress. It's like this gigantic monkey on my back. I've started doing QT again and I've been doing it for about a month but I'm thinking it's not enough. I think I really need to plug into a church. The boyfriend said he'd go with me too which is a plus.

I know God is present. I will always know this. But I am in that place where it is difficult to see the light. I will get there. I must remember, this too shall pass.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Ode to Charlie Brown (the dog)

Today I'm at home sick because my stomach has been uber weird. I feel better today but to play it safe (also because I really really did not want to go to work today.. that's another blog post in and of itself) I stayed home again today.

Basically all morning, I've been kind of sad and been thinking a lot about my friend who passed away 4 years ago. I have amazing friends though and God really is so good because out of no where my friend who I thought was done being friends with me last year texted me saying, "Reminder of the day: You are an amazing friend." At a time when I feel like I have no friends because I'm such a bad one, to get that text just really made my day. Well one of my best friends KO dropped by the other day and it totally made me cry because I felt so unbelievably loved by her. She lives NO WHERE NEAR me.... and she happened to be in the area and decided to surprise me! I love surprises... especially from people that I love.

So anyway, I've been feeling super down and very unlovable because I basically told this guy that I really liked him and his response was basically that he was still in love with his ex-fiancee.... if that isn't a big fat no then I don't know what is.

BUT ANYWHO. Onto my (house mate's) awesome dog!

Charlie Brown aka Charles Barkely aka Chuck
Yesterday, my house mate told me that sometimes, when he's home and I'm not, the dog, Charlie Brown (he's a chocolate lab) will lay down by my door.... Call me ridiculous but I got a little teary. I always thought that he didn't really care about me because he's got a great owner and the owner's S.O. also has been getting lots of love. But he actually does miss me when I'm not at home! Can dogs get any better than that? I don't think so. And then just now, I decided it was time to play some music on the keyboard and maybe try to sing a little (only sad songs of course) and he came over and put his head on my lap... ON MY LAP. As if he knew that I'm not feeling great.

It's official. I love Charlie Brown aka Charles Barkley the dog. He is my favorite dog ever. EVER. He may be a little dumb and a lot stinky, but man, is he lovable.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Four years ago today

Four years ago today, I did my first half marathon (without really training for it) and didn't tell anyone. Therefore, no one at church knew why I wasn't at church. I got a text from one of my really good friends telling me that she missed me that day and was sad that she didn't see me. Little did I know that it was the beginning of the end.

This year I am amazed at how true it is that time is the only thing that can heal wounds. I'm not saying that this wound is completely healed, but it's getting there. It's finally getting there.

When she texted me that she had missed me, I did think it a bit odd. She had a lot of other friends so for her to notice me not there was interesting. I told her that I would definitely be there the next week. She wasn't but instead we went to hang out in the middle of the week. We watched Zombieland in theaters and there I had the most memorable conversation in my whole life. I remember every word. Every look (even though we were in the movie theater). How I felt. How carefully I chose each word. I remember this conversation more than I remember the last in person conversation we ever had. She asked me how it felt or why I chose to try to commit suicide twice. And I told her. Then I told her that it wasn't worth it. That I saw how much I would have missed out on but also how much my friends and family would have missed me. I told her that while yes, I believe a person who commits suicide goes to heaven, it isn't necessarily the way to go. I didn't press her for more information although not a day goes by where I wish I had. I thought I was being respectful to her wishes.

The next conversation we had was when we went to lunch, just the two of us after church. She said things were getting better and I believed her. It was her birthday week. I remember smiling more than the last conversation we had.

Two days later it was her birthday. I texted her that I hoped she was having a great day with her boyfriend that flew down and that I loved her. I thank God every day that I told her one last time that I loved her.

Because the next morning she hung herself. And that evening I got the worst call of my whole life telling me what had happened.

Today is hard. Unfortunately, the next few weeks will be even harder.