Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Sometimes....

This may sound odd/sad but I feel like some part of me will always be a broken hearted girl.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

beautiful.


I have to remember that I don't walk alone. No matter how hard it gets.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Happy Christmas!

Nollaig Shona Duit! 매리 크리스마스! Feliz Navidad! Merry Christmas! Frohe Weihnachten! Feliz natal!

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Thoughts

Work has been insane. I feel bad because I'm definitely someone who complains about work a lot. Don't get me wrong, I know I am lucky that I have a job and am proud of where I am but these days because of the tasks that I have at work have been making me more and more unhappy with where I am in my life. The people that I interact with used to be a source of happiness but that number of people who make me happy at work has greatly decreased. 

I know part of me is looking for things to be unhappy with, which is the unfortunate nature of my depression. I just tend to make things worse. 

And now, I just got asked to send the proof of how my vacation days were approved. Seriously? Don't get me wrong, I really like my supervisor but I feel like she's just showing me how little she trusts me. If she doesn't trust me this much, why put so much on my plate??? 

Ugh, this is really souring the end of my vacation. 

Monday, November 10, 2014

Quickie

I just wanted to quickly post my love for Sia's Chandelier.

While I am not an alcoholic, this song (and most of her songs) speaks volumes of someone, like myself, who goes through these types of lows, tries to get away from them, and cries for help.

"But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KY0L36AQfXY

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Depression sucks part... yeah

One of my closest friends got married yesterday. I am so so happy for her... beyond anyone can see. But like my title says, depression sucks.

I just can't seem to get happy. Not only that, I've lost my joy. The thought of my physical existence ending has come across my mind a couple times this month. I'll never do it. Trust me. I've seen what suicide does to families and friends. Luckily my Korean guilt is too strong for me to do anything. But when the whole Robin Williams thing came out, I couldn't help but think, "He's so lucky, he's so brave."

How do I know more than what's above that I'm clinically depressed right now? I'm suffering from daily headaches and neck pain. Yes that could be due to my job but it has only gotten really bad the past couple months, when the depression/funk started getting really bad. I'm exhausted all the time because of the face I have to put on in front of my friends, family, and work. The face that everything is okay and I am completely fine. I put aside the fact that I feel like I'm a disgusting human being and don't deserve to have loving relationships and force a smile.

Yesterday was so rough. It started out great when I woke up in a comfy hotel bed. But then the reality of the day set in. I had to go get my hair and makeup done. In front of the other girls. And then get dressed. Don't get me wrong... I have the best girlfriends in the world. They would never judge me nor look at me with stink eye but I couldn't shake the feeling that they were going to see me and think, "Dear Lord... are you serious? Well at least I'll look good." It's insanity. Why? Like I said, my friends are the least judgmental, most loving people I know. My thoughts went even worse to think that my friend (the bride) only asked me to be a bridesmaid because all of our other friends were her bridesmaids. So she was obligated to ask me otherwise it would look obvious that she doesn't really think much of me.

When Robin Williams died and all the things he was dealing with came out, I couldn't help but sob at every new fact... because mainly, that's exactly how I feel. Made to be the clown, the funny one, always ready with energy and good times... but on the inside, turmoil. Mine is probably very different from what Mr. Williams' was but still.

The difference is that I opened up more about mine and now I have people praying for me. People who I know, truly don't want me to give up. If I could just convince my heart to follow my head, things would be better. It'll take time

By the way, if you know of anyone who is dealing with depression, NEVER, and I mean NEVER tell them to "just feel better" ... that's the worst. Why? Because if we could "just feel better" everything would be solved. We are not attention hungry. We don't want your pity. We need your love. We need to feel wanted. We need to feel significant. Don't brush off when someone says they're depressed. But also, don't use that word lightly. Please.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

My rebuttal to all the soccer haters

Here we go. I feel like I go through this every four years. The soccer haters come out every World Cup and then my defensive claws come out. This is not pointed at any one person but to all those folks who say, "Soccer is so dumb" or "Soccer is so boring" or "Soccer is full of cheaters/diving..." or anything in that genre of haterade.

Let me start by saying yes. I probably am biased because I played the "beautiful game" for 10 years of my life. And that is in quotes because that is what its nickname is. Not because I'm being sarcastic or don't agree with that. Because I do. I really do.

Why is it called the "Beautiful Game"? Well one of the reasons is because anyone in the world can play it as long as you have a ball and can make some kind of makeshift goal with whatever you have... sticks, rocks, metal, big piles of poop.... (okay that last one is weird but you could if you really needed to). Another reason is the camaraderie it brings between the fans but also the players. Yes, a lot of crap happens but that's the same with any sport. The only other time when opposing teams come together to support their country is the Olympics. And at the Olympics, it's divided by sport. At the World Cup, entire countries get behind ONE team and give their full support and love that team. Yes, fans get insanely upset (like I did today at my beloved España when they played horribly and sooooo not cohesively) but that happens at lots of sporting events. Case in point: the rivalry between the Dodgers and Giants is so bad, someone almost lost hisLIFE. In my humble opinion it is also called that because it has the hottest guys... but again. That's just me

To rebut the point that it's boring watching guys run around a field for 90 minutes... you obviously don't know how to watch the game and are close minded enough to not even try to have someone explain it to you. You know that most people in the world think that the NFL is boring and dumb too right? Again, it's because they don't know how to watch it. For the longest time I refused to watch baseball because I thought it was boring but then I had someone start to explain things and I realized that I was being close minded. Now I really enjoy going to baseball games!

"It's full of divers and cheaters." Let me ask you this: What sport doesn't have SOME kind of cheater? Football: penalties and flags all over the place. Baseball: Steroids (actually a good number of sports). Basketball: also more penalties and trying to cheat the system. Yes. Admittedly, in soccer there are some people/countries who are more prone to diving/whining and looking for calls. Have someone come at you with cleats going for your knee and you see how you like it. If you perceive yourself to be in danger, it's danger. Some of them are over whining.. yeah. *coughronaldocough*

Anyway. That's my rant. So how about the next time you decide to open your mouth and bag on a game that most of the people on this planet enjoy, you think about what you're about to say?