Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Lenten season and realization

Yesterday I realized something pretty important... but before I get there, some background.

When my friend passed away, I was overcome with the need to make sure all my friends knew how much they meant to me to try to ensure if, God forbid, something like that happened again, my guilt would be less severe. So being a good friend was something that I strive for all the time....

When I feel like I'm not being a good friend, I am consumed with sadness and disappointment with myself and become overall very negative towards myself and kind of everyone else as well. This may be a childish reaction, but unfortunately, after dealing with my previous experiences, this is what happens.

Last night I finally realized that since a friendship is a relationship that goes both ways, the person I consider a friend should reciprocate and try to be my friend too. I can't keep going on blaming myself for not being a good friend when in reality, I am being a good friend it's just that the other person, doesn't want to receive it.

That's it. I can be a good friend and a good person, but if the other person doesn't recognize that, then nuts to them and I can move on.

That being said, during this Lenten season, I will recognize one positive thing in my life everyday (and also try to give up cursing). My positive thing today: I have friends who do care about me and check in with me and I am forever grateful for that.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Accomplishments

Today I had my first session with a new therapist. As first sessions go, it was actually pretty okay. I was nervous but when we started talking, it got easier. She finally asked me to ask her questions about her, which I have never had. She said, "Do you want to ask any questions about me? To see if you think we're a good match..." That alone made me so happy. She mentioned she's does mostly somatic psychology so I had her explain that. Instead of explaining it, she had me actually do it.

She had me think of three experiences from birth til now that were supremely positive and after each one she had me stop and examine my body to see what my body felt like. It was nice because even though I do Headspace, I never reaaallly know what I'm looking for. But she talked me through it and it was so cool. I told her that I don't like to mince words and that's why I pause a lot because I try to put a lot of thought into each word I'm saying so I make sure what I say is received the way I want it to be received... no more and no less meaning as I want it to seem. Of course, that doesn't happen but I know that and I try to let it go.

So I've done one of my sort of New Years resolutions and I finally found a new therapist. I'm seeing her again Friday and hopefully it's the same goodness... I hope I can just finish my "homework" by then.

***IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE*** My very good friend has an amazingly encouraging blog at sadrunner.com and this week's post was particularly awesome. Even if you don't like running, he provides some really interesting and provoking insights into depression and anxiety. Go check it out!

Monday, December 14, 2015

A phrase that doesn't help

So like a hopeful goober, I have been applying to nurse practitioner school because I still feel like I am meant to be on the side of practicing medicine rather than the business side of medicine. The problem is that most schools, don't agree with me. I keep getting rejections which is really getting to me. I'm getting so tired of hearing "no," that I'm on the verge of giving up. Maybe I'm not meant to and that's why I keep hearing no...? Ugh whatever.

But to the point of the title of this post... When I tell people that I got yet another rejection, a common response I hear is, "Oh but that school is really hard to get into" or "That's like the Harvard of nursing schools"... I know that those phrases are meant to be encouraging, but to me that just means that those people don't think highly of me that I could even get into those types of schools. Yes, I probably couldn't get into Harvard but to have an external person tell you that they also believe/know that I cannot get into a really good school, is painful.

I've talked about this before I think... but by now if you read this blog, you know that my self-confidence is very low. I don't think I'm good looking, a good friend, nor that great of a person in general. But the ONE thing that I feel slightly more confident about is the fact that I am not a dumb person. Yes it takes me a bit to process something, but I do have a Masters degree and I feel like not everyone has the ability to sit through all the classes, pass the classes, and write a thesis to get a Masters. And I did that (even with a month of almost dying).

So when someone tells me, "Well that school is super hard to get into" all I want to say back is, "So? You think I can't get into that school? Do you think I'm not good enough? Would you have thought they made a mistake if I did get in?"

Ugh. Sorry I know that's a super negative way of looking at what is supposed to be an encouraging statement but right now, that's how I hear those statements.

Friday, November 20, 2015

I did it.

I finally told him of the stress I've been in and why. I don't like the response but at least I told him. I feel sick to my stomach and my hands are trembling but I hope that at least part of my heart can be at peace now that I told him...

I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable again until circumstances change... but I'll be praying for a change ASAP.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Water Polo Coaching

This past few months I got the opportunity to coach the Girls' Water Polo team at Terra Nova HS. I took the position knowing that I would be basically exhausted every day and would have to come to grips with certain fears/feelings I associate with high school. At least it wasn't my own old high school... then I think I would've had even worse anxiety about it.

Now when I was in high school... Whenever I heard about Terra Nova, they were a force to be reckoned with. So of course, my first thoughts were, "Oh crap... I've never coached water polo before and I bet they have a crazy good record." But apparently, that was only the football team because my coworker (who informed me of the position and whose kids go there) gave me some history about the program. When I officially got hired, I looked more into their history to see if what my coworker said was accurate (as she can be pretty dramatic). And.... She was right. Their record was pretty abysmal and they hadn't had a JV team since 2009. They had 16 girls last year but this year my turnout was 24. Definitely enough for two teams... and most of them were pretty young.

So, my nerves were calmed and I started my first speech. They were super receptive! I told them how I played in high school and played for a second in college. They could not stop jabbering about how excited they were about having a coach who actually played. It made me wonder who had been coaching them for the past few years. I told them my huge thing was making sure that people stay positive and that even though we have JV and Varsity, that we are one big team and we support each other. I emphasized this because I remembered how much I loved the camaraderie I had in my high school team... and how much it helped me through feeling pretty excluded from people who I thought I had more in common with (the Asian girls).

My Varsity girls ended up in 5th place but with twice more wins than last year and my JV girls ended up in 2nd place! I could not have been prouder of the girls... but what they don't know is how much they helped me during those short three months. I haven't felt that fulfilled in so long. They filled a void that I've been feeling for so long.

I hope that I can come back next year and do it again.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

She would have been 29 today

Another year, another post for her. My beautiful friend. Today, I thought of her and how happy she looked all the time. But that's just it. It was happy. Temporary. There was less joy. She would've been 29 today. She probably would already have been married to him and possibly gotten pregnant. I wonder if she would have invited me to her 29th.

As I get older, the number of relationships that I actually care to keep decreases. Unfortunately, some of those I want to keep don't feel the same way. But then again, those who I don't especially care about probably feel the same way I do.

In the past 6 years, I've used her death as a motivator to be the best friend I can be. I've learned that trying to do that, hurts way more than I feel like it's supposed to. So now, I distance. Now, I want to be that friend that I was disappointed in... the one who buries herself in just her family and partner. I want to say, "Suck it bitches!" to all my friends and just desert.

But then again, I would want to feel important in someone's life. Too often I feel like I'm not important enough.... and then I go back to her. Why didn't she feel important enough? What could I have done to make her see that I needed her as that base at home that I could always go back to? How do I make it so I don't follow the same thoughts she did? (again, no worries, I'm not going to do anything to harm myself).

Just some things that I've been thinking about and learned over the past year... Some people want you to be their friends and some people couldn't give 2 shits about you. You just have to be smart enough to decipher which ones really do and which ones feel obligated to.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Another fear

Yesterday the SO and I were driving back from a friend gathering and I came across this realization... As much as I bitch and moan about how I feel like my friends are basically leaving me in the dust as they knit closer to each other, I have this frantic feeling to still try to keep them close. And also probably why I bitch and moan about this .. and I'm finally getting to the reason...

I am terrified that I will have a repeat of my friend who committed suicide.

There. I said it. On the internet. I have three friends that I keep in touch with over text and we basically use this to ask for prayer and to try to encourage each other when the depression gets really bad.

But it's not only those three that I worry about. It's my other friends who I find out things about really late and all I can do in my head is say, "Act like you knew about this so it seems like you are close so that in the future they will tell you when things are rough," and on the outside show how concerned I am. I know as I get older people fade away and will choose others to ally themselves with but I can't help but feel that I will be slowly counted out. I already feel that with one friend, someone who I never would've thought it would happen to... so why not the others?

BUT I was so pleasantly surprised that the friend (whose house we were at) gave me a book (that's signed by the author) about her battle through depression. I don't think she realizes how much that book means to me because it shows how she does care and think about me. Things can and will get better. It just takes time and grace I think.