Friday, September 28, 2012

just some inner thoughts

Today is my ex's birthday. It's also his golden birthday. So many thoughts have run through my head. Does he know? Is he being treated well? .... Does he think about me? The last one is probably a no. The more I think about our time together and how it ended, I become more aware of the fact that I was in way too deep for my own good. He could not have cared less about me. That was a weird sentence. What I mean is, I could have disappeared from his life a lot sooner and he wouldn't have even noticed. He was/is a master game player.

Despite that, I don't hate him. I know it seems like I do, but I don't. He probably at first thought, "Wow an American girl likes me. Great!" And then it became horrendously real for him. His birthday present for me was supposed to be a weekend away so that he could show me his family namesake's castle in the West. It never happened. Not going to lie, I feel slightly cheated but really... why should I even feel that way? I have no right. Yes my feelings were real, but they were not reciprocated. I should have known. I felt it a month in advance and tried to break up with him first to avoid the pain, but I was convinced not to. Shame on me for believing the lies. This doesn't fall on him, it falls on me.

The craziness that ensued post-breakup also falls on me. I am more mature than that. I should have harnessed my anger and pain. I had done it before, why did I react that way? Unfortunately, time travel is still not possible and I cannot undo what I have done. All I can do is be thankful that God is a forgiving God and still loves me, even though I pulled some incredibly stupid things.

So, how do I feel at the end of the day? Not too great. But honestly? And call me a total goober but I keep thinking of the line from Love Actually when the guy leaves Keira Knightley after showing her the placards confessing his love and as he walks away he says, "Enough. Enough now" because that's how I feel. I'm putting a stop to these feelings now. It's enough. No more torturing myself of how I could've been a better girlfriend. No more wondering "what if." No more saving a place for him in my heart.

Enough. Enough now.

Monday, September 24, 2012


I've been meaning to write about this for a while. A friend that I was talking to said a while ago that she thinks that a culture of awkwardness has been made in our generation. I believe we are in generation Y or Millienial but more than that I feel like it's the hipster/cool to be a nerd generation. I completely agree with my friend because I think I hear the word "awkward" to describe situations and people waaaaaay more than I used to. What's funny is that a lot of the time, I don't think these people who are using the work awkward actually mean it. It has lost its meaning. I know that sounds incredibly Judgey Judgesmith of me but these "beautiful" people who say, "OMG that was like so awkward, I was having such a bad hair day" (okay I've never actually heard anyone say that but things along those lines) to me sound incredibly so insincere. I just want to push them and say, "Are you serious? Do you even know what awkward is? Let me show you..." and commence my truly awkward life.

Now most people say, "Dude shut up... you're not awkward. You are so at ease in all situations... blah blah blah." The truth is all my life, I have been extremely good at hiding what I truly feel on the inside. In high school people thought I was a happy go lucky teenager who loved life. Truth was, I hated life and everything in it. Very few things brought me joy but it soon got to be too much for me... Anyway. No body knew what I was feeling, not even my family. The only people that found out was because I told my youth group at the time what I was going through and they showered an amazing amount of love on me. I don't tell this story to get "aww so sad" reactions but I tell this story to show what a master of acting I am (I know I'm SO humble ;) hehe) ... I battled with hate demons in me for two years before anyone knew what I was going through because everyone thought that I was the girl who was so happy that all I could do or wanted to do was make others laugh. In reality, I was just covering up my own pain.

Back to the awkwardness. I also realized as I got older, as "extroverted" as I am, I am actually very uncomfortable with myself and therefore, in many situations. I was/am the embodiment of Merriam-Webster's definition: "lacking the right proportions, size, or harmony of parts :ungainly <an awkward design>" or so I feel that way. And by transitive proptery, I am awkward. The Oxford dictionary definition fits me even better: "1causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with: 2causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience:3not smooth or graceful; ungainly: uncomfortable or abnormal:" ... You may think I'm not hard to deal with but I think I am. And because of this I become #2 embarrassed and also #3 ungraceful and uncomfortable. It's a vicious cycle. Because of all these things, I operate on a low grade feeling of awkwardness at all times. I revealed this to my best friend Serina a couple years ago and she was astounded. (further evidence to the fact of how great of an actress I am). I grade my awkwardness on a percentage scale. I am very rarely at 0%. Even with my family. I'd say 99% of the time, I'm about at 20-30%. Low but still there. It's because a lot of the time I'm in my own head and my ADD of seeing and processing everything around me.

But my friend in SG said she thinks it's because of the interwebs and how we have become a generation behind a screen whether it's in our laps, in our hands, or at a desk. I agree with her. But also I think some people (like me) are just born this way. I wish with all my heart that I wasn't this awkward and I just felt comfortable with myself but it's so difficult. Le sigh.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Electric picnic!! (mostly photos)

A year ago today my flatmate in Ireland and I went to quite possibly one of the best music festivals I have ever been to in County Laois (I will buy lunch to whoever can pronounce that correctly the first time) called Electric Picnic. Aaaaaand commence photos.
The campsite next to us... We think those were "VIP"

Sad blow up chapel

I made her do that... But what a great photo!

One entry gate 

One of the GREAT tents!

Another tent

My sentiments exactly

I did NOT tell her to do this

Willy Mason

Wish I could remember who this was... I think it's Shouting at Planes  

Love this one


Foster the People!

Pains of Being Pure at Heart

SANTIGOLD!!!!! Such a wicked awesome set. Seriously.. complete with costume changes and everything!

Also cannot remember who this is

EDWARD SHARPE AND THE MAGNETIC FREAKING ZEROOOSSS!! Again such an awesome set and I am so sad that I cannot make their Bay Area show

I did not use but M did... ahah

My first ferris wheel ride!

M and I .. flatmates fo life!

Orchestral Manoeuvers in the Dark... one of my fave 80s bands! Love the awkward way he dances

Ahhh sunset

LYKKE LI! She was awesome... Her vocals were turned waaay too low though

I stopped being too excited and bouncing around long enough to take this

Best photo I got because I was bouncing around too much!

Public Enemy... of COURSE I had to see them

Another shot that is the "best" because I couldn't stop dancing to take photos because it's the Chemical Brothers!!

The Family Stone hehe

As it says, The Go! Team. 


FREAKING BEIRUT! So so so so so good

Sunset dos

Oh yes .... I saw The Drums. And they rocked.

Ahhhh Pulp. 
It just ended this past weekend.... And I have to say I was so so sad that I was not there. Definitely one of the best music festivals I have ever been to!