Friday, September 28, 2012

just some inner thoughts

Today is my ex's birthday. It's also his golden birthday. So many thoughts have run through my head. Does he know? Is he being treated well? .... Does he think about me? The last one is probably a no. The more I think about our time together and how it ended, I become more aware of the fact that I was in way too deep for my own good. He could not have cared less about me. That was a weird sentence. What I mean is, I could have disappeared from his life a lot sooner and he wouldn't have even noticed. He was/is a master game player.

Despite that, I don't hate him. I know it seems like I do, but I don't. He probably at first thought, "Wow an American girl likes me. Great!" And then it became horrendously real for him. His birthday present for me was supposed to be a weekend away so that he could show me his family namesake's castle in the West. It never happened. Not going to lie, I feel slightly cheated but really... why should I even feel that way? I have no right. Yes my feelings were real, but they were not reciprocated. I should have known. I felt it a month in advance and tried to break up with him first to avoid the pain, but I was convinced not to. Shame on me for believing the lies. This doesn't fall on him, it falls on me.

The craziness that ensued post-breakup also falls on me. I am more mature than that. I should have harnessed my anger and pain. I had done it before, why did I react that way? Unfortunately, time travel is still not possible and I cannot undo what I have done. All I can do is be thankful that God is a forgiving God and still loves me, even though I pulled some incredibly stupid things.

So, how do I feel at the end of the day? Not too great. But honestly? And call me a total goober but I keep thinking of the line from Love Actually when the guy leaves Keira Knightley after showing her the placards confessing his love and as he walks away he says, "Enough. Enough now" because that's how I feel. I'm putting a stop to these feelings now. It's enough. No more torturing myself of how I could've been a better girlfriend. No more wondering "what if." No more saving a place for him in my heart.

Enough. Enough now.

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