Monday, November 21, 2016

Next step in treatment

Last week I chose to go see a psychologist at school and I was more upfront with her than I've been with probably any other mental health professional I've ever seen (I've seen five). I talked with her for about an hour and she was really great. She's the first person to challenge my thoughts/actions with what happened a couple years ago. I thought it was interesting that she was so surprised and she actually apologized "on the behalf of her profession" that nobody had ever suggested medication to me. What's funny is that subject literally never came up with the five other mental health professionals I've seen.

Which brings me to the subject today. On Saturday, I began my first ever medication treatment of my depression. I was nervous but excited really because the psychologist at school said one of the reasons why I should have been asked about how I feel about medication is because my depression comes back so often... at least once a year. And it's not just the "the election sucked so now I'm depressed" or "ugh I failed my exams so now I'm depressed" or "someone ate the last donut!!!! I'm so depressed!!!" ... the deep, dark, feeling like dying is the only true, full release from the monster of depression.

I don't really have active thoughts of planning suicide anymore since I've seen what it does to the people left behind, but I get what are apparently called "passive thoughts of suicide." What are those? I'm about to cross the street and I think, "I wonder what it would be like if I let a car hit me?" Or "What would it feel like if I drove my car off this bridge?" Or "Maybe I should have let that car hit my car so I could just stop."

In any case, it's only day 3 of treatment and the pills take 2-4 weeks to take effect. I know I shouldn't be too excited or have high expectations, but I do. I just want my brain to change and stop hurting me.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

So many emotions

Last Tuesday, the country where I was born and am a citizen of elected a new president.

Since then, I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. It is no secret on this site that I battle with depression and if that wasn't bad enough this happened.

It is also no secret that I am a woman and a person of color. I have a learning disability. I am an LGBTQI ally. So you probably can guess what I'm about to say next.

I did not vote for Donald Trump. Yes, I am a registered Democrat, but this was about so much more than party. I have seen this argument that people didn't vote for Trump the Man, rather Trump and the Party but I cannot help but wonder, how did people separate the two? I feel like a person's actions are, in large part, a show of their thoughts.... This man, Donald Trump, has repeatedly talked about sexually assaulting women and basically saying that it's okay, preyed on fear and therefore made the racism already in this country far worse, and flung open the gates of hatred. 

Every time I feel like I'm ready to calmly discuss this country's politics, I hear of yet another story of how minorities are being hated on. 

I get angry. I get sad. I get upset. I get nervous. I get enraged. I get scared. It has been a non-stop cycle of negative emotions. 

Trump supporters are calling on us Hillary supporters to "calm down" and "reach across the aisle." My question to them is, "Would you do the same if Hillary won?" I mean if the tables were turned, wouldn't they be angry/hurt? The difference is our feelings do not stop at anger and hurt; they go on to fear, nervousness, anxiety. Why? I said it above, Trump has opened the gates and by proxy (probably not the correct use) okayed hatred and acts of hatred. 

I have been called racial slurs, cat called, and made to feel unsafe. I know what that feels like. I luckily live in an incredibly liberal city but there is still that little voice that says, "Watch out." I am not as safe as I thought I was. 

I leave with this last thing:

One of the most interesting and valuable lessons so far this year in school is when we put headphones in that simulated having auditory hallucinations (like many people who have schizophrenia do) and then we walked around school to try to do a sort of scavenger hunt (ask people directions to places, find certain classrooms, etc.)
I feel like people who have never had the experience of being discriminated against because of the way they look, their socioeconomic status, their sexual orientation, or their abilities need to go through a similar simulation. Then maybe they will see why/how half this nation (myself included) is in mourning. Then maybe their minds will open and we can have a better discussion about how to love on each other and make the system better and more equitable. Then maybe they will begin to understand the terror people feel inside because we don't know who in our neighborhood feels empowered by what happened on Tuesday.

Just maybe.

Friday, November 4, 2016

A must read

A great article.. I would go even further to say, that as a person who struggles with depression, the need to be needed not being fulfilled, can eventually lead to depression as well. Or at least the feeling that you're not needed are you're failing at being needed.