tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42828692983105917012024-02-07T11:50:45.083-08:00Just a blogiheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.comBlogger92125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-35062796796660734992016-11-21T10:57:00.000-08:002016-11-21T10:57:21.436-08:00Next step in treatmentLast week I chose to go see a psychologist at school and I was more upfront with her than I've been with probably any other mental health professional I've ever seen (I've seen five). I talked with her for about an hour and she was really great. She's the first person to challenge my thoughts/actions with what happened a couple years ago. I thought it was interesting that she was so surprised and she actually apologized "on the behalf of her profession" that nobody had ever suggested medication to me. What's funny is that subject literally never came up with the five other mental health professionals I've seen.<br />
<br />
Which brings me to the subject today. On Saturday, I began my first ever medication treatment of my depression. I was nervous but excited really because the psychologist at school said one of the reasons why I should have been asked about how I feel about medication is because my depression comes back so often... at least once a year. And it's not just the "the election sucked so now I'm depressed" or "ugh I failed my exams so now I'm depressed" or "someone ate the last donut!!!! I'm so depressed!!!" ... the deep, dark, feeling like dying is the only true, full release from the monster of depression.<br />
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I don't really have active thoughts of planning suicide anymore since I've seen what it does to the people left behind, but I get what are apparently called "passive thoughts of suicide." What are those? I'm about to cross the street and I think, "I wonder what it would be like if I let a car hit me?" Or "What would it feel like if I drove my car off this bridge?" Or "Maybe I should have let that car hit my car so I could just stop."<br />
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In any case, it's only day 3 of treatment and the pills take 2-4 weeks to take effect. I know I shouldn't be <i>too</i> excited or have high expectations, but I do. I just want my brain to change and stop hurting me.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-17120305421822532382016-11-10T21:05:00.000-08:002016-11-13T21:19:00.585-08:00So many emotions<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Last Tuesday, the country where I was born and am a citizen of elected a new president.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Since then, I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. It is no secret on this site that I battle with depression and if that wasn't bad enough this happened.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">It is also no secret that I am a woman and a person of color. I have a learning disability. I am an LGBTQI ally. So you probably can guess what I'm about to say next.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I did not vote for Donald Trump. Yes, I am a registered Democrat, but this was about so much more than party. I have seen this argument that people didn't vote for Trump the Man, rather Trump and the Party but I cannot help but wonder, how did people separate the two? I feel like a person's actions are, in large part, a show of their thoughts.... This man, Donald Trump, has repeatedly talked about sexually assaulting women and basically saying that it's okay, preyed on fear and therefore made the racism already in this country far worse, and flung open the gates of hatred. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Every time I feel like I'm ready to calmly discuss this country's politics, I hear of yet another story of how minorities are being hated on. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I get angry. I get sad. I get upset. I get nervous. I get enraged. I get scared. It has been a non-stop cycle of negative emotions. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Trump supporters are calling on us Hillary supporters to "calm down" and "reach across the aisle." My question to them is, "Would you do the same if Hillary won?" I mean if the tables were turned, wouldn't they be angry/hurt? The difference is our feelings do not stop at anger and hurt; they go on to fear, nervousness, anxiety. Why? I said it above, Trump has opened the gates and by proxy (probably not the correct use) okayed hatred and acts of hatred. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I have been called racial slurs, cat called, and made to feel unsafe. I know what that feels like. I luckily live in an incredibly liberal city but there is still that little voice that says, "Watch out." I am not as safe as I thought I was. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I leave with this last thing:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">One of the most interesting and valuable lessons so far this year in school is when we put headphones in that simulated having auditory hallucinations (like many people who have schizophrenia do) and then we walked around school to try to do a sort of scavenger hunt (ask people directions to places, find certain classrooms, etc.)</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I feel like people who have never had the experience of being discriminated against because of the way they look, their socioeconomic status, their sexual orientation, or their abilities need<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"> to go through a similar simulation. Then maybe they will see why/how half this nation (myself included) is in mourning. Then maybe their minds will open and we can have a better discussion about how to love on each other and make the system better and more equitable. Then maybe they will begin to understand the terror people feel inside because we don't </span></span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">know who in our neighborhood feels empowered by what happened on Tuesday.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b><i>Just maybe.</i></b></span></div>
iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-87482746598878302842016-11-04T20:00:00.000-07:002016-11-04T20:00:00.186-07:00A must readhttp://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/04/opinion/dalai-lama-behind-our-anxiety-the-fear-of-being-unneeded.html?_r=0<br />
<br />
A great article.. I would go even further to say, that as a person who struggles with depression, the need to be needed not being fulfilled, can eventually lead to depression as well. Or at least the feeling that you're not needed are you're failing at being needed.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-16471102022323457842016-10-23T19:14:00.001-07:002016-10-23T19:14:40.016-07:00What they don't knowToday I opened up to some friends about how terrible this past week was. What they don't know and what I left out was that I not only feel isolated by my cohort but also by them.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-11046167428390764332016-10-18T18:58:00.001-07:002016-10-18T18:58:40.253-07:00Strong reminderStrong reminder from God this morning when I read the verse of the day...<br />
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"An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy." Proverbs 27: 5-6. I have to try to convince myself that I probably wasn't wounded on purpose and that the person is a friend... not my enemy. And also... kisses from an enemy? Basically acid right? No one wants acid on their skin....iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-39970417203047704582016-10-15T20:10:00.003-07:002016-10-15T20:10:17.649-07:00October is always hard for meThis month is conflicting for me... I love Halloween and autumn, but this is the month where I begin to relive one of the hardest times of my life.<br />
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I'm reminded that it's awesome that my school starts with mental health as a subject because goodness knows, I haven't been 100% mentally healthy for a very long time. As I'm reviewing for my test coming up (and yes I am sabotaging myself a bit right now), I came across my professor's slide of Gestalt Therapy and the Gestalt Prayer. As I reflect on what happened seven years ago and how much it hurt to lose a friend physically and how I'm losing a friend right now... I need to remember this "Gestalt Prayer"<br />
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<b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; font-style: italic;">I
</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; font-style: italic;">do my thing and you do your
thing.</span></b></div>
<b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; font-style: italic;">
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; font-style: italic;">
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; font-style: italic;">
You are you, and I am I,</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; font-style: italic;">
and <u><span style="color: blue;">if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.</span></u></span><u><span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; font-style: italic;">
If not, it can't
be helped</span><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Book"; font-style: italic;">.</span></span></u></b><br />
iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-46444213316383950182016-09-17T16:08:00.002-07:002016-09-17T16:08:37.678-07:00First week done!So my first week of school is done with and I have to say that my stress level is ... still the same but feels different. I know that sounds weird but basically before school started, it felt like this gigantic question mark that loomed over me and threatening my sanity.<br />
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Now that question mark is much smaller but ... I still have some stress and anxiety. Yes all my teachers/lecturers/professors have reiterated over and over that each student is there not by chance but because they were exclusively chosen by the faculty... and because they know we can succeed in these programs. It's fantastic to hear but my old nagging, self-destructive voice is still there saying, "Are you sure? You're pretty old now. You don't remember stuff like you used to. The rest of the cohort is smarter, younger and faster. Remember how poorly you did in school?"<br />
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That voice is something I know I have to fight hard and with the help and prayers of my aptly named "Thunder Buddies" (a term I'm taking from my dear friend Adam from sadrunner.com) ... I think I can do it.<br />
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So far, even the fi<span style="font-family: inherit;">anc<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">é has been great. He's been great at making sure I'm doing all my reading and school work. But even still, there's that negative voice again that says, "yes but you're not paying him enough attention and he will resent you..." </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Ugh the negative voice sucks. I should name it something horrible... like Voldemort. And then defeat it! Hmmm this has proved to be a good session of writing. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Onward and upward!!!!</span></span>iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-62740003834695981132016-09-13T12:48:00.001-07:002016-09-13T12:48:22.909-07:00Started nursing school!So I finally have moved on to start my career as a healthcare practitioner. I got into nursing school at Samuel Merritt about 3 miles from where I live (so now I bicycle instead of drive!) and over the next two years (and a few months) I finally get to learn about being the best healthcare practitioner I can be!<br />
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It has been such a journey til now. I've been applying for the last two years but super seriously for the last year. It has been a struggle and really re-ignited some issues I thought I had gotten over and made others just come super to the forefront (like my depression).<br />
<br />
It's day two of school and I'm loving it. One of our teachers said today, "Another way to show you really care is to let go." That statement spoke to me on so many different levels. All of the staff/faculty have been telling us as well that we are all here because they CHOSE us. They didn't have to let any one of us in but they chose us out of a field of applicants. I have to remind myself of that. The administration chose me because they saw my potential and they know I can finish the program. I have to stop the self defeat and beating up.<br />
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The other day I had this amazing talk/hang out with a friend and it seriously was absolutely necessary and fantastic. She confirmed and affirmed so many of my feelings that I haven't said to anyone aloud because I just felt foolish. She supported me and continues to support me which feels astonishingly awesome.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I felt like I needed to get all that out before I forgot. Phew.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-65169658594111442572016-05-12T20:43:00.000-07:002016-05-12T20:43:03.098-07:00#StarringJohnChoI had heard recently about this movement and was interested of course because as a Korean-American, I am of course proud that John Cho is Korean as well.<br />
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While driving home today, I caught the tail end of an interview that NPR was doing with the man who started the hashtag. He was very insightful and reminded me of feelings I had back in high school and even into my adult years.<br />
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As the youngest of three, I was at an advantage when I was applying to go to college. My siblings could give me tips and tricks on my applications and essays so that I could get into some UC (University of California) school. I have never been the best, typical student so I had to really rely on my essays and all the extracurricular stuff I did to set me apart from the intensely competitive class I was in. Luckily I got into UC Davis but that's not the point. While I was applying, I saw many questions regarding being a minority. I was pretty sure I am a minority but I remember asking my older sister and her explaining to me that no, we are not really a minority any more... in terms of college anyway.<br />
<br />
That was really frustrating for me. My thoughts were, "So what just because I'm Asian, I'm automatically supposed to be good at conventional school and get extremely high standardized testing scores...? And if I don't, it's a shame and I don't get in anywhere since against my other (Asian) peers I don't measure up?" I started to get so angry at the fact that yes, I am good at math and I wear corrective lenses. I wanted to yell, "HEY! I have contacts/glasses because I sat too close to the TV not from pulling all nighters" just to prove that I wasn't your "run of the mill" Asian girl.<br />
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But that's the thing. I'm not your typical Asian girl. I'm tall, not skinny by any means, play/coach water polo, and am "too loud." When I was in grad school, this one woman had the <i>nerve </i>to tell me that I'm not Korean... I'm only American. Who was she to tell me how I identify? (Sorry that was a total random tangent).When people think of Asians, we are what's called the "model minority."<br />
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Honestly? I fucking hate that phrase. It creates this false identity that a percentage of Asian Americans may actually be, but it gets blanketed to all of us. When I tried to apply to medical school, I again felt the sting of being a part of the "model minority" and could not get fully accepted. I was wait listed twice but just didn't make the cut.<br />
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I'm feeling it now as I apply to nursing school because I still want to work with patients who are underserved. I have applied to the same school three times and have been rejected three times (obviously I've applied to other schools as well and also have gotten rejected).<br />
<br />
Anyway, I think #StarringJohnCho is amazing because not only does it show the harsh reality that Hollywood is severely lacking in diversity, but it shows that Asians shouldn't be pigeon holed into "those characters." And not only that, more and more people should realize that not all Asian women laugh quietly behind their hands, are meek, are "exotic" (another thing that I <b><u>HATE</u></b>) and love being told what to do... Not all Asian men are totally asexual and are not well endowed (I don't know this personally but just like any other ethnicity, there are variations). Asian men can be sexy too. Trust me. Oh and we don't always have to have an exaggerated accent.<br />
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Maybe another hashtag can be #stoppigeonholingme .... or can that have another connotation? I don't know. Kids are weird these days and I don't know how to use hashtags.<br />
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You should listen to the whole interview. It's great. http://www.pri.org/stories/2016-05-12/fed-hollywoods-diversity-problem-guy-recreated-movie-posters-starringjohnchoiheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-27144181592247465812016-05-02T19:42:00.002-07:002016-05-02T19:42:50.151-07:00No buenosSo I started to watch a new show called My 600 lb life... and it really is not good for me. Because I can't help but to think that's what people think of me.<br />
<br />
And all I want to do is to stop eating so I lose weight. But I love food too much. But that's what these people say... "I love food" ... I'm conflicted, angry and sad with/at myself. Sigh.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-76286493148654824092016-02-10T09:00:00.002-08:002016-02-10T09:00:54.742-08:00Lenten season and realizationYesterday I realized something pretty important... but before I get there, some background.<br />
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When my friend passed away, I was overcome with the need to make sure all my friends knew how much they meant to me to try to ensure if, God forbid, something like that happened again, my guilt would be less severe. So being a good friend was something that I strive for all the time....<br />
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When I feel like I'm not being a good friend, I am consumed with sadness and disappointment with myself and become overall very negative towards myself and kind of everyone else as well. This may be a childish reaction, but unfortunately, after dealing with my previous experiences, this is what happens.<br />
<br />
Last night I finally realized that since a friendship is a relationship that goes both ways, the person I consider a friend should reciprocate and try to be my friend too. I can't keep going on blaming myself for not being a good friend when in reality, I am being a good friend it's just that the other person, doesn't want to receive it.<br />
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That's it. I can be a good friend and a good person, but if the other person doesn't recognize that, then nuts to them and I can move on.<br />
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That being said, during this Lenten season, I will recognize one positive thing in my life everyday (and also try to give up cursing). My positive thing today: I have friends who <i style="font-weight: bold; text-decoration: underline;">do</i> care about me and check in with me and I am forever grateful for that.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-84643043996622017352016-01-31T12:50:00.000-08:002016-01-31T12:50:48.914-08:00AccomplishmentsToday I had my first session with a new therapist. As first sessions go, it was actually pretty okay. I was nervous but when we started talking, it got easier. She finally asked me to ask her questions about her, which I have never had. She said, "Do you want to ask any questions about me? To see if you think we're a good match..." That alone made me so happy. She mentioned she's does mostly somatic psychology so I had her explain that. Instead of explaining it, she had me actually do it.<br />
<br />
She had me think of three experiences from birth til now that were supremely positive and after each one she had me stop and examine my body to see what my body felt like. It was nice because even though I do <a href="https://www.headspace.com/">Headspace</a>, I never reaaallly know what I'm looking for. But she talked me through it and it was so cool. I told her that I don't like to mince words and that's why I pause a lot because I try to put a lot of thought into each word I'm saying so I make sure what I say is received the way I want it to be received... no more and no less meaning as I want it to seem. Of course, that doesn't happen but I know that and I try to let it go.<br />
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So I've done one of my sort of New Years resolutions and I finally found a new therapist. I'm seeing her again Friday and hopefully it's the same goodness... I hope I can just finish my "homework" by then.<br />
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***IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE*** My very good friend has an amazingly encouraging blog at sadrunner.com and <a href="http://www.sadrunner.com/">this week's</a> post was particularly awesome. Even if you don't like running, he provides some really interesting and provoking insights into depression and anxiety. Go check it out!iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-8859680731067916812015-12-14T08:41:00.000-08:002015-12-14T08:41:41.966-08:00A phrase that doesn't helpSo like a hopeful goober, I have been applying to nurse practitioner school because I still feel like I am meant to be on the side of practicing medicine rather than the business side of medicine. The problem is that most schools, don't agree with me. I keep getting rejections which is really getting to me. I'm getting so tired of hearing "no," that I'm on the verge of giving up. Maybe I'm not meant to and that's why I keep hearing no...? Ugh whatever.<br />
<br />
But to the point of the title of this post... When I tell people that I got yet another rejection, a common response I hear is, "Oh but that school is really hard to get into" or "That's like the Harvard of nursing schools"... I know that those phrases are meant to be encouraging, but to me that just means that those people don't think highly of me that I could even get into those types of schools. Yes, I probably couldn't get into Harvard but to have an external person tell you that they also believe/know that I cannot get into a really good school, is painful.<br />
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I've talked about this before I think... but by now if you read this blog, you know that my self-confidence is very low. I don't think I'm good looking, a good friend, nor that great of a person in general. But the ONE thing that I feel slightly more confident about is the fact that I am not a dumb person. Yes it takes me a bit to process something, but I do have a Masters degree and I feel like not everyone has the ability to sit through all the classes, pass the classes, and write a thesis to get a Masters. And I did that (even with a month of almost dying).<br />
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So when someone tells me, "Well that school is super hard to get into" all I want to say back is, "So? You think I can't get into that school? Do you think I'm not good enough? Would you have thought they made a mistake if I did get in?"<br />
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Ugh. Sorry I know that's a super negative way of looking at what is supposed to be an encouraging statement but right now, that's how I hear those statements.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-72953858956482439452015-11-20T07:55:00.000-08:002015-11-20T07:55:01.567-08:00I did it.I finally told him of the stress I've been in and why. I don't like the response but at least I told him. I feel sick to my stomach and my hands are trembling but I hope that at least part of my heart can be at peace now that I told him...<br />
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I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable again until circumstances change... but I'll be praying for a change ASAP.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-19622531122803766962015-11-07T08:18:00.000-08:002015-12-14T08:32:57.862-08:00Water Polo CoachingThis past few months I got the opportunity to coach the Girls' Water Polo team at Terra Nova HS. I took the position knowing that I would be basically exhausted every day and would have to come to grips with certain fears/feelings I associate with high school. At least it wasn't my own old high school... then I think I would've had even worse anxiety about it.<br />
<br />
Now when I was in high school... Whenever I heard about Terra Nova, they were a force to be reckoned with. So of course, my first thoughts were, "Oh crap... I've never coached water polo before and I bet they have a crazy good record." But apparently, that was only the football team because my coworker (who informed me of the position and whose kids go there) gave me some history about the program. When I officially got hired, I looked more into their history to see if what my coworker said was accurate (as she can be pretty dramatic). And.... She was right. Their record was pretty abysmal and they hadn't had a JV team since 2009. They had 16 girls last year but this year my turnout was 24. Definitely enough for two teams... and most of them were pretty young.<br />
<br />
So, my nerves were calmed and I started my first speech. They were super receptive! I told them how I played in high school and played for a second in college. They could not stop jabbering about how excited they were about having a coach who actually played. It made me wonder who had been coaching them for the past few years. I told them my huge thing was making sure that people stay positive and that even though we have JV and Varsity, that we are one big team and we support each other. I emphasized this because I remembered how much I loved the camaraderie I had in my high school team... and how much it helped me through feeling pretty excluded from people who I thought I had more in common with (the Asian girls).<br />
<br />
My Varsity girls ended up in 5th place but with twice more wins than last year and my JV girls ended up in 2nd place! I could not have been prouder of the girls... but what they don't know is how much they helped me during those short three months. I haven't felt that fulfilled in so long. They filled a void that I've been feeling for so long.<br />
<br />
I hope that I can come back next year and do it again.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-81388026154275289262015-10-20T20:07:00.002-07:002015-10-20T20:07:32.829-07:00She would have been 29 todayAnother year, another post for her. My beautiful friend. Today, I thought of her and how happy she looked all the time. But that's just it. It was happy. Temporary. There was less joy. She would've been 29 today. She probably would already have been married to him and possibly gotten pregnant. I wonder if she would have invited me to her 29th.<br />
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As I get older, the number of relationships that I actually care to keep decreases. Unfortunately, some of those I want to keep don't feel the same way. But then again, those who I don't especially care about probably feel the same way I do.<br />
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In the past 6 years, I've used her death as a motivator to be the best friend I can be. I've learned that trying to do that, hurts way more than I feel like it's supposed to. So now, I distance. Now, I want to be that friend that I was disappointed in... the one who buries herself in just her family and partner. I want to say, "Suck it bitches!" to all my friends and just desert.<br />
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But then again, I would want to feel important in someone's life. Too often I feel like I'm not important enough.... and then I go back to her. Why didn't she feel important enough? What could I have done to make her see that I needed her as that base at home that I could always go back to? How do I make it so I don't follow the same thoughts she did? (again, no worries, I'm not going to do anything to harm myself).<br />
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Just some things that I've been thinking about and learned over the past year... Some people want you to be their friends and some people couldn't give 2 shits about you. You just have to be smart enough to decipher which ones really do and which ones feel obligated to.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-21457183130997148742015-07-19T10:43:00.001-07:002015-07-19T10:43:08.080-07:00Another fearYesterday the SO and I were driving back from a friend gathering and I came across this realization... As much as I bitch and moan about how I feel like my friends are basically leaving me in the dust as they knit closer to each other, I have this frantic feeling to still try to keep them close. And also probably why I bitch and moan about this .. and I'm finally getting to the reason...<br />
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<b>I am terrified that I will have a repeat of my friend who committed suicide.</b><br />
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There. I said it. On the internet. I have three friends that I keep in touch with over text and we basically use this to ask for prayer and to try to encourage each other when the depression gets really bad.<br />
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But it's not only those three that I worry about. It's my other friends who I find out things about really late and all I can do in my head is say, "Act like you knew about this so it seems like you are close so that in the future they will tell you when things are rough," and on the outside show how concerned I am. I know as I get older people fade away and will choose others to ally themselves with but I can't help but feel that I will be slowly counted out. I already feel that with one friend, someone who I <i>never </i>would've thought it would happen to... so why not the others?<br />
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BUT I was so pleasantly surprised that the friend (whose house we were at) gave me a book (that's signed by the author) about her battle through depression. I don't think she realizes how much that book means to me because it shows how she does care and think about me. Things can and will get better. It just takes time and grace I think.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-35654484757324445042015-06-27T10:34:00.002-07:002015-06-27T10:34:26.738-07:00Finally!<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Yesterday the highest court in the US finally ruled that anyone can get married. It's. About. Freaking. Time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">On this blog I've talked about my faith numerous times, so it's no secret that I'm Christian. And as a Christian I wholeheartedly believe that anyone should have the right to marry no matter who they love. Unfortunately other Christians do not agree with this... especially those in my mother country. They cite passages in the Bible about how homosexuality is a sin blahblahblah... You know what else is in the Bible? Forgiveness. God is just. Love your neighbor as yourself. For that matter, love is the absolute bottom line of the Bible. God literally is love itself. Also in the Bible is that women who are on their period are "unclean" and to sit outside the city until she was done being "unclean." Jesus came so that we wouldn't have to do that anymore and that we could have a relationship with God. That's what the Bible is now. A guide to our relationship with God.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">With that fact, how can you say that God hates something He created? That makes absolutely no sense. Why would God condemn someone for the way He created them? And yes. I believe sexual orientation is not a choice. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Apparently Justice Alito asked, "Well then why not marry four gay men together? Why just two?" The answer is because then you are saying that polygamy is legal. Which is totally different. That is a choice. </span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Anyway in the long run I am extremely happy that the majority of our chief justices see the logic in our Constitution and also human rights.</span><br />
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iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-57437706620472985212015-06-23T20:34:00.004-07:002015-06-23T20:34:43.874-07:00My naive dreamIt's no secret that the health care system here in the US benefits little. With the advent of Obamacare, yes more people have health insurance but is that truly helping them? Today I was listening to Marketplace on 88.5 on my commute home and they talked about health care and this insurance company in Oregon called CareOregon that has this program called "Health Resilience Program." From Marketplace's website: <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><i><b>The idea is that healthcare providers leave the exam room and spend more time developing relationships with patients in their kitchens and living rooms.</b></i></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I was reminded of my naive dream. Back when I wanted to be an MD or DO my dream was to get my degree in primary care and work in urban or rural areas... basically places where people either can't afford health care or have their state Medicaid insurance. My naive dream? To open my own clinic where, yes I would take insurance, but I would have the people that I served pay me in what they could as well... Mainly I thought about food. I'll do your yearly (or however often exam) and you can make me a lasagna, enchiladas... whatever you're good at making.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">When I first developed this dream, I was an undergrad student studying abroad in Oaxaca, Mexico in 2006. I was fortunate enough to have a rotating internship at different kinds of clinics in the city and also in Puerto Escondido. I know the health system in Mexico is different from the US but there are similarities as well. People still suffer from the same diseases and also can have the same financial difficulties. My passion for practicing medicine grew and matured. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Unfortunately, according to the standards of the medical schools here in the US, I do not have what it takes to become a physician. So what am I doing now? Applying to become something 100% <u style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">better.</u> A nurse practitioner. Why do I think it's better? From what I've seen, nurse practitioners get more time with their patients and still have autonomy. They're not forced just just churn patients and their in and out during the day. (off the soapbox now)</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, DejaVu Serif, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Back to the dream and the program I listened to today. Some economist from Harvard said that "</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">so many things we do in American health care because we think that they must work....</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, 'DejaVu Serif', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">But every time we looked, we’ve found the answer has been a big giant zero." I think/hope he wasn't including primary and preventative care. Because time and time again studies have shown that those two things are actually cost effective. Even this article, </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, DejaVu Serif, serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK53914/, says findings show "mixed results" but aren't mixed results better than billions of dollars being spent on unnecessary treatment? Also, I understand that health care workers need to be compensated for their knowledge at time but goodness gracious.... At the cost of people dying because they can't afford treatment? Where is the Hippocratic oath in that? How can someone feel okay with not treating someone because that someone feels that they won't get compensated justly? You're going to let that person's morbidity continue to decrease?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, DejaVu Serif, serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Okay sorry apparently I climbed back on the soapbox again. Anywho. I know my dream will never come true but maybe one day, I can help bring back the concept of a doctor's (or nurse practitioner) house call so I can be closer to my dream.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, DejaVu Serif, serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">(btw here's the article from Marketplace if you want to actually read it: http://www.marketplace.org/topics/health-care/challenge-pairing-sick-social-services)</span></span>iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-47174184522458653702015-05-25T17:25:00.000-07:002015-05-31T17:35:01.167-07:00The things I remember from schoolThe other day I turned on the shower in my gym and I saw the curtain start to come towards me. Then I suddenly remembered something that I had learned in high school that I, to this day still remember... Due to the severe embarrassment I was caused by a teacher.<br />
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When I took physics in high school, I had the same teacher my very intelligent sister had. Unfortunately, our last name isn't very common and we look similar enough where it is pretty obvious that we're family. So, I was already nervous because there was an expectation there that I would pick up physics quickly and well. I really, really didn't. Honestly, after a whole year's worth of college level physics I <i style="font-weight: bold;">still </i>don't know/understand physics well. BUT there is one thing I do remember because that teacher asked a simple question in class one day... "When you take a shower does the curtain come towards you or does it get blown outward?" And then, she called on me to answer.<br />
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I answered incorrectly. Very incorrectly.<br />
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I guessed and said outward. I had to think about it, but I remember all my classmates looking at me, the teacher staring at me, and feeling panicked. So I tried to recall any memories of showering and realized that I had never really taken notice. When I answered incorrectly, the teacher rolled her eyes and shook her head. She said, "Anyone else?" And of course someone else said the correct answer and she emphatically said, "Yes, that's the <u style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">correct</u> answer."<br />
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I felt mortified. I already had a very bruised, very low self-confidence. On top of feeling like a fat, disgusting loser, I felt like a grade-A idiot. Someone who truly needed a dunce cap.<br />
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They say the most memorable memories are the negative ones. The insults, the trauma... and this one definitely. I will always remember Bernoulli's effect because of that mortifying moment in high school.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-3727473583451125812015-04-20T06:32:00.001-07:002015-04-20T06:32:52.457-07:00More thoughts on depressionhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/lexi-herrick/11-habits-of-people-with-_b_6384062.html<br />
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This article is actually pretty good. For almost all the numbers, I know, feel and do them. I feel a little bad because a couple of my friends battle with depression and anxiety at the same time. Thank God that I don't have anxiety but honestly I think it's because I really couldn't handle it. Every time my friends text me about having a panic attack I can't help but feel just so sad... I know I don't want to know what it feels like but at the same time I do so that I can say the right thing.<br />
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More about the article... I definitely make things look better than they are. I put on a smile at work every day and in front of most people. It's so tiring and nobody really gets it. Most people just talk talk talk and don't even think about what they're saying. Take my training group for example. The other day they started talking about how depressed people should just start talking about the things that they are grateful for in life. And all I wanted to do was scream, "Yeah, because it's that easy when you are actually haunted by depression." Not only that, I've tried that. Seriously. As a Christian, I try to thank God for all kinds of things, but unfortunately it doesn't work.<br />
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Like yesterday at church, before praise started I sat down and prayed thanking God that I made it to church. But then, the praise band started playing and singing... and the songs were mostly about going to heaven and being happy and thankful. And all I could think about was, "Yeah, I'd like to be in heaven right now. So much that I'm totally fine dying. God, give me cancer or something so I can just die and be free of this world."<br />
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And yet now here I am at work again putting on a happy face, desperately seeking approval from anyone and everyone. Happy Monday.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-77221659378082612842015-04-14T10:40:00.000-07:002015-04-14T10:40:12.789-07:00The brain does some weird crapA couple nights ago I had a very odd dream. I don't know if my psyche was stirred b/c an "ex" recently got married and I realized that I wasn't over him but my dream involved my only true ex (the only other serious boyfriend than the one I have now).<br />
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I don't remember all the details but the most vivid was that I looked amazing... skinny and stuff. My current boyfriend and I were hanging out and then he went to the restroom. My ex, let's call him Benedict (b/c I wish it was Benedict Cumberbatch let's be real), comes up behind me and says, "Hi Christine." And it was odd because at first I didn't recognize him and he had to say that it was him and how we met. When I finally realized it was him, all these emotions came flooding back and I had to steady myself. He started to say, "You look amaz..." and then my current boyfriend came back and said, "Uh hi who are you?" And I introduced them then added, "Yeah we need to go to that show.. we're going to be late" and said, "Bye, Benedict. Have a nice life."<br />
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Explanation: "Have a nice life" is the last thing he said to me. And I felt like it was so final and so harsh.<br />
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anyway. I woke up being so confused. I hadn't thought about him so long... But again it was probably my subconscious messing with me. as if i got too much sleep in general.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-63070412614647903232015-04-08T21:47:00.001-07:002015-04-08T21:47:21.631-07:00The internet sucksThe internet sucks because....<br />
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it enables you to stalk an "ex" and then when you see who they're with currently and consequently because of the stalking and then stalking that person they're with, figure out that the "ex" was actually seeing them while you two were together...... makes you feel so, so stupid and even more disgusted with yourself.<br />
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And by yourself I mean myself. Why, why do I do this to myself? I just wasted 40 minutes of my life looking at stupid Facebook through photos and timelines realizing more and more that I'm an idiot. And now, I will only get 5 hours of sleep.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-60326981389052232972015-04-05T19:58:00.002-07:002015-04-05T19:58:34.318-07:00Happy Easter!He is risen! Happy Easter!!<br />
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I wish I could see where these odd traditions that have nothing to do with the reason for the holiday came from. I'm sure with the magic of the interwebs it'd be very easy to find out... but I also think it's interesting that somebody, somewhere arbitrarily said, "Hey, soo it's spring time and there's Passover and Easter... so let's say everything for those holidays should be pastel colored!" I was thinking about this the other day actually. Most holidays that I can think of actually have very arbitrary color schemes... Halloween? I mean I guess I can see the orange because it's fall but why orange and black? Why not orange and... grey? Or brown? Thanksgiving is orange and brown which again I guess has to do with autumn and turkeys... but Christmas with red and green? I guess it just doesn't make sense to me.<br />
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Anyway. Really why I'm writing today is to openly and publicly apologize to someone named Jeff. There are millions out there but if the one I'm thinking about is reading this you know who you are.<br />
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What I did to you is inexcusable. I have this tendency (because of my ingrained depression) to destroy everything and anything that is good for me. This includes relationships. I'm not excusing my actions with my depression. Depression is not an excuse for hurting someone else. I led you on because you made me feel good. You made me feel loved in a way that I thought was different from my partner now. Then when you two argued and you needed time away, I thought you were probably fine. When now I see you weren't. You don't deserve to be treated that way and I am so sorry for what I did. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.iheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4282869298310591701.post-66116340285309954062015-03-25T18:22:00.000-07:002015-03-25T18:22:58.899-07:00I really really dislike lyingI mean who likes lying/liars? No one really. I used to be good at it (or so I thought)... and actually with certain things I still am.<br />
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But when it comes to friends and things that matter, I try to <u style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">never</u> lie. Especially about little stuff that doesn't matter. Don't pretend to be close to me or care about what I think for my gain. If you don't care, don't ask.<br />
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Ugh.<br />
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Also the longer I live life, the more humans disgust me. And also the more I am amazed that God loves all of us so much... even though some people choose to do ugly things like lie about how their child parents which led to their own child's death. I'm not even close to joking. I heard about this tragic story of a 2 year old boy drowned in the tub after hitting his head. The boy's grandfather started spreading some lies about the boy's mother. So that CPS took the mom's 4 daughters away... like that family needs ANYMORE heartache....<br />
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Yes I don't know the whole story. But I do know the person who was telling me the story and she wouldn't make shit up. Phoo. Anyway.. byeeeeiheartzidanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06047777529859410885noreply@blogger.com0