One of my closest friends got married yesterday. I am so so happy for her... beyond anyone can see. But like my title says, depression sucks.
I just can't seem to get happy. Not only that, I've lost my joy. The thought of my physical existence ending has come across my mind a couple times this month. I'll never do it. Trust me. I've seen what suicide does to families and friends. Luckily my Korean guilt is too strong for me to do anything. But when the whole Robin Williams thing came out, I couldn't help but think, "He's so lucky, he's so brave."
How do I know more than what's above that I'm clinically depressed right now? I'm suffering from daily headaches and neck pain. Yes that could be due to my job but it has only gotten really bad the past couple months, when the depression/funk started getting really bad. I'm exhausted all the time because of the face I have to put on in front of my friends, family, and work. The face that everything is okay and I am completely fine. I put aside the fact that I feel like I'm a disgusting human being and don't deserve to have loving relationships and force a smile.
Yesterday was so rough. It started out great when I woke up in a comfy hotel bed. But then the reality of the day set in. I had to go get my hair and makeup done. In front of the other girls. And then get dressed. Don't get me wrong... I have the best girlfriends in the world. They would never judge me nor look at me with stink eye but I couldn't shake the feeling that they were going to see me and think, "Dear Lord... are you serious? Well at least I'll look good." It's insanity. Why? Like I said, my friends are the least judgmental, most loving people I know. My thoughts went even worse to think that my friend (the bride) only asked me to be a bridesmaid because all of our other friends were her bridesmaids. So she was obligated to ask me otherwise it would look obvious that she doesn't really think much of me.
When Robin Williams died and all the things he was dealing with came out, I couldn't help but sob at every new fact... because mainly, that's exactly how I feel. Made to be the clown, the funny one, always ready with energy and good times... but on the inside, turmoil. Mine is probably very different from what Mr. Williams' was but still.
The difference is that I opened up more about mine and now I have people praying for me. People who I know, truly don't want me to give up. If I could just convince my heart to follow my head, things would be better. It'll take time
By the way, if you know of anyone who is dealing with depression, NEVER, and I mean NEVER tell them to "just feel better" ... that's the worst. Why? Because if we could "just feel better" everything would be solved. We are not attention hungry. We don't want your pity. We need your love. We need to feel wanted. We need to feel significant. Don't brush off when someone says they're depressed. But also, don't use that word lightly. Please.