Wednesday, February 26, 2014


I've been seeing and hearing more adverts about depression which is actually a very good thing in my opinion. Getting the word out there makes it easier for people to talk about and makes it less of a stigma.

My personal battle with depression started when I was about 14. It started with me feeling like I only had friends because they didn't want to be on the other end of my bullying. Then I felt so terrible for the things that I had done... I felt so guilty. And then the self-loathing and self-hate started. And then I started looking at myself and comparing to myself to others. To me there was no place for a tall, dark, big sporty Asian girl in the world. Then I started to go down this terrible, dark rabbit hole of feeling bad for myself and feeling badly for myself. So badly in fact that I tried to end my life twice. After that, I confessed to my youth group during a camp my thoughts and they came to my rescue. The song "Came to My Rescue" by Hillsong United comes to mind. God truly sent Pastor Evan to my rescue.

Depression comes in waves. I feel like once you've had a really dark time in your life, unfortunately, it can come back to haunt you. Like now. I'm feeling the same symptoms as before but I know I have nothing to be depressed about. I'm in a really great relationship with a really great guy, I know my friends love and support me, I have a great job... but I can't shake this feeling of sadness/stress. It's like this gigantic monkey on my back. I've started doing QT again and I've been doing it for about a month but I'm thinking it's not enough. I think I really need to plug into a church. The boyfriend said he'd go with me too which is a plus.

I know God is present. I will always know this. But I am in that place where it is difficult to see the light. I will get there. I must remember, this too shall pass.