Monday, November 21, 2016

Next step in treatment

Last week I chose to go see a psychologist at school and I was more upfront with her than I've been with probably any other mental health professional I've ever seen (I've seen five). I talked with her for about an hour and she was really great. She's the first person to challenge my thoughts/actions with what happened a couple years ago. I thought it was interesting that she was so surprised and she actually apologized "on the behalf of her profession" that nobody had ever suggested medication to me. What's funny is that subject literally never came up with the five other mental health professionals I've seen.

Which brings me to the subject today. On Saturday, I began my first ever medication treatment of my depression. I was nervous but excited really because the psychologist at school said one of the reasons why I should have been asked about how I feel about medication is because my depression comes back so often... at least once a year. And it's not just the "the election sucked so now I'm depressed" or "ugh I failed my exams so now I'm depressed" or "someone ate the last donut!!!! I'm so depressed!!!" ... the deep, dark, feeling like dying is the only true, full release from the monster of depression.

I don't really have active thoughts of planning suicide anymore since I've seen what it does to the people left behind, but I get what are apparently called "passive thoughts of suicide." What are those? I'm about to cross the street and I think, "I wonder what it would be like if I let a car hit me?" Or "What would it feel like if I drove my car off this bridge?" Or "Maybe I should have let that car hit my car so I could just stop."

In any case, it's only day 3 of treatment and the pills take 2-4 weeks to take effect. I know I shouldn't be too excited or have high expectations, but I do. I just want my brain to change and stop hurting me.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

So many emotions

Last Tuesday, the country where I was born and am a citizen of elected a new president.

Since then, I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. It is no secret on this site that I battle with depression and if that wasn't bad enough this happened.

It is also no secret that I am a woman and a person of color. I have a learning disability. I am an LGBTQI ally. So you probably can guess what I'm about to say next.

I did not vote for Donald Trump. Yes, I am a registered Democrat, but this was about so much more than party. I have seen this argument that people didn't vote for Trump the Man, rather Trump and the Party but I cannot help but wonder, how did people separate the two? I feel like a person's actions are, in large part, a show of their thoughts.... This man, Donald Trump, has repeatedly talked about sexually assaulting women and basically saying that it's okay, preyed on fear and therefore made the racism already in this country far worse, and flung open the gates of hatred. 

Every time I feel like I'm ready to calmly discuss this country's politics, I hear of yet another story of how minorities are being hated on. 

I get angry. I get sad. I get upset. I get nervous. I get enraged. I get scared. It has been a non-stop cycle of negative emotions. 

Trump supporters are calling on us Hillary supporters to "calm down" and "reach across the aisle." My question to them is, "Would you do the same if Hillary won?" I mean if the tables were turned, wouldn't they be angry/hurt? The difference is our feelings do not stop at anger and hurt; they go on to fear, nervousness, anxiety. Why? I said it above, Trump has opened the gates and by proxy (probably not the correct use) okayed hatred and acts of hatred. 

I have been called racial slurs, cat called, and made to feel unsafe. I know what that feels like. I luckily live in an incredibly liberal city but there is still that little voice that says, "Watch out." I am not as safe as I thought I was. 

I leave with this last thing:

One of the most interesting and valuable lessons so far this year in school is when we put headphones in that simulated having auditory hallucinations (like many people who have schizophrenia do) and then we walked around school to try to do a sort of scavenger hunt (ask people directions to places, find certain classrooms, etc.)
I feel like people who have never had the experience of being discriminated against because of the way they look, their socioeconomic status, their sexual orientation, or their abilities need to go through a similar simulation. Then maybe they will see why/how half this nation (myself included) is in mourning. Then maybe their minds will open and we can have a better discussion about how to love on each other and make the system better and more equitable. Then maybe they will begin to understand the terror people feel inside because we don't know who in our neighborhood feels empowered by what happened on Tuesday.

Just maybe.

Friday, November 4, 2016

A must read

A great article.. I would go even further to say, that as a person who struggles with depression, the need to be needed not being fulfilled, can eventually lead to depression as well. Or at least the feeling that you're not needed are you're failing at being needed.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

What they don't know

Today I opened up to some friends about how terrible this past week was. What they don't know and what I left out was that I not only feel isolated by my cohort but also by them.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Strong reminder

Strong reminder from God this morning when I read the verse of the day...

"An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy." Proverbs 27: 5-6. I have to try to convince myself that I probably wasn't wounded on purpose and that the person is a friend... not my enemy. And also... kisses from an enemy? Basically acid right? No one wants acid on their skin....

Saturday, October 15, 2016

October is always hard for me

This month is conflicting for me... I love Halloween and autumn, but this is the month where I begin to relive one of the hardest times of my life.

I'm reminded that it's awesome that my school starts with mental health as a subject because goodness knows, I haven't been 100% mentally healthy for a very long time. As I'm reviewing for my test coming up (and yes I am sabotaging myself a bit right now), I came across my professor's slide of Gestalt Therapy and the Gestalt Prayer. As I reflect on what happened seven years ago and how much it hurt to lose a friend physically and how I'm losing a friend right now... I need to remember this "Gestalt Prayer"

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

First week done!

So my first week of school is done with and I have to say that my stress level is ... still the same but feels different. I know that sounds weird but basically before school started, it felt like this gigantic question mark that loomed over me and threatening my sanity.

Now that question mark is much smaller but ... I still have some stress and anxiety. Yes all my teachers/lecturers/professors have reiterated over and over that each student is there not by chance but because they were exclusively chosen by the faculty... and because they know we can succeed in these programs. It's fantastic to hear but my old nagging, self-destructive voice is still there saying, "Are you sure? You're pretty old now. You don't remember stuff like you used to. The rest of the cohort is smarter, younger and faster. Remember how poorly you did in school?"

That voice is something I know I have to fight hard and with the help and prayers of my aptly named "Thunder Buddies" (a term I'm taking from my dear friend Adam from ... I think I can do it.

So far, even the fiancé has been great. He's been great at making sure I'm doing all my reading and school work. But even still, there's that negative voice again that says, "yes but you're not paying him enough attention and he will resent you..." 

Ugh the negative voice sucks. I should name it something horrible... like Voldemort. And then defeat it! Hmmm this has proved to be a good session of writing. 

Onward and upward!!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Started nursing school!

So I finally have moved on to start my career as a healthcare practitioner. I got into nursing school at Samuel Merritt about 3 miles from where I live (so now I bicycle instead of drive!) and over the next two years (and a few months) I finally get to learn about being the best healthcare practitioner I can be!

It has been such a journey til now. I've been applying for the last two years but super seriously for the last year. It has been a struggle and really re-ignited some issues I thought I had gotten over and made others just come super to the forefront (like my depression).

It's day two of school and I'm loving it. One of our teachers said today, "Another way to show you really care is to let go." That statement spoke to me on so many different levels. All of the staff/faculty have been telling us as well that we are all here because they CHOSE us. They didn't have to let any one of us in but they chose us out of a field of applicants. I have to remind myself of that. The administration chose me because they saw my potential and they know I can finish the program. I have to stop the self defeat and beating up.

The other day I had this amazing talk/hang out with a friend and it seriously was absolutely necessary and fantastic. She confirmed and affirmed so many of my feelings that I haven't said to anyone aloud because I just felt foolish. She supported me and continues to support me which feels astonishingly awesome.

Anyway, I felt like I needed to get all that out before I forgot. Phew.

Thursday, May 12, 2016


I had heard recently about this movement and was interested of course because as a Korean-American,  I am of course proud that John Cho is Korean as well.

While driving home today, I caught the tail end of an interview that NPR was doing with the man who started the hashtag. He was very insightful and reminded me of feelings I had back in high school and even into my adult years.

As the youngest of three, I was at an advantage when I was applying to go to college. My siblings could give me tips and tricks on my applications and essays so that I could get into some UC (University of California) school. I have never been the best, typical student so I had to really rely on my essays and all the extracurricular stuff I did to set me apart from the intensely competitive class I was in. Luckily I got into UC Davis but that's not the point. While I was applying, I saw many questions regarding being a minority. I was pretty sure I am a minority but I remember asking my older sister and her explaining to me that no, we are not really a minority any more... in terms of college anyway.

That was really frustrating for me. My thoughts were, "So what just because I'm Asian, I'm automatically supposed to be good at conventional school and get extremely high standardized testing scores...? And if I don't, it's a shame and I don't get in anywhere since against my other (Asian) peers I don't measure up?" I started to get so angry at the fact that yes, I am good at math and I wear corrective lenses. I wanted to yell, "HEY! I have contacts/glasses because I sat too close to the TV not from pulling all nighters" just to prove that I wasn't your "run of the mill" Asian girl.

But that's the thing. I'm not your typical Asian girl. I'm tall, not skinny by any means, play/coach water polo, and am "too loud." When I was in grad school, this one woman had the nerve to tell me that I'm not Korean... I'm only American. Who was she to tell me how I identify? (Sorry that was a total random tangent).When people think of Asians, we are what's called the "model minority."

Honestly? I fucking hate that phrase. It creates this false identity that a percentage of Asian Americans may actually be, but it gets blanketed to all of us. When I tried to apply to medical school, I again felt the sting of being a part of the "model minority" and could not get fully accepted. I was wait listed twice but just didn't make the cut.

I'm feeling it now as I apply to nursing school because I still want to work with patients who are underserved. I have applied to the same school three times and have been rejected three times (obviously I've applied to other schools as well and also have gotten rejected).

Anyway, I think #StarringJohnCho is amazing because not only does it show the harsh reality that Hollywood is severely lacking in diversity, but it shows that Asians shouldn't be pigeon holed into "those characters." And not only that, more and more people should realize that not all Asian women laugh quietly behind their hands, are meek, are "exotic" (another thing that I HATE) and love being told what to do... Not all Asian men are totally asexual and are not well endowed (I don't know this personally but just like any other ethnicity, there are variations). Asian men can be sexy too. Trust me. Oh and we don't always have to have an exaggerated accent.

Maybe another hashtag can be #stoppigeonholingme .... or can that have another connotation? I don't know. Kids are weird these days and I don't know how to use hashtags.

You should listen to the whole interview. It's great.

Monday, May 2, 2016

No buenos

So I started to watch a new show called My 600 lb life... and it really is not good for me. Because I can't help but to think that's what people think of me.

And all I want to do is to stop eating so I lose weight. But I love food too much. But that's what these people say... "I love food" ... I'm conflicted, angry and sad with/at myself. Sigh.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Lenten season and realization

Yesterday I realized something pretty important... but before I get there, some background.

When my friend passed away, I was overcome with the need to make sure all my friends knew how much they meant to me to try to ensure if, God forbid, something like that happened again, my guilt would be less severe. So being a good friend was something that I strive for all the time....

When I feel like I'm not being a good friend, I am consumed with sadness and disappointment with myself and become overall very negative towards myself and kind of everyone else as well. This may be a childish reaction, but unfortunately, after dealing with my previous experiences, this is what happens.

Last night I finally realized that since a friendship is a relationship that goes both ways, the person I consider a friend should reciprocate and try to be my friend too. I can't keep going on blaming myself for not being a good friend when in reality, I am being a good friend it's just that the other person, doesn't want to receive it.

That's it. I can be a good friend and a good person, but if the other person doesn't recognize that, then nuts to them and I can move on.

That being said, during this Lenten season, I will recognize one positive thing in my life everyday (and also try to give up cursing). My positive thing today: I have friends who do care about me and check in with me and I am forever grateful for that.

Sunday, January 31, 2016


Today I had my first session with a new therapist. As first sessions go, it was actually pretty okay. I was nervous but when we started talking, it got easier. She finally asked me to ask her questions about her, which I have never had. She said, "Do you want to ask any questions about me? To see if you think we're a good match..." That alone made me so happy. She mentioned she's does mostly somatic psychology so I had her explain that. Instead of explaining it, she had me actually do it.

She had me think of three experiences from birth til now that were supremely positive and after each one she had me stop and examine my body to see what my body felt like. It was nice because even though I do Headspace, I never reaaallly know what I'm looking for. But she talked me through it and it was so cool. I told her that I don't like to mince words and that's why I pause a lot because I try to put a lot of thought into each word I'm saying so I make sure what I say is received the way I want it to be received... no more and no less meaning as I want it to seem. Of course, that doesn't happen but I know that and I try to let it go.

So I've done one of my sort of New Years resolutions and I finally found a new therapist. I'm seeing her again Friday and hopefully it's the same goodness... I hope I can just finish my "homework" by then.

***IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE*** My very good friend has an amazingly encouraging blog at and this week's post was particularly awesome. Even if you don't like running, he provides some really interesting and provoking insights into depression and anxiety. Go check it out!