Last week I chose to go see a psychologist at school and I was more upfront with her than I've been with probably any other mental health professional I've ever seen (I've seen five). I talked with her for about an hour and she was really great. She's the first person to challenge my thoughts/actions with what happened a couple years ago. I thought it was interesting that she was so surprised and she actually apologized "on the behalf of her profession" that nobody had ever suggested medication to me. What's funny is that subject literally never came up with the five other mental health professionals I've seen.
Which brings me to the subject today. On Saturday, I began my first ever medication treatment of my depression. I was nervous but excited really because the psychologist at school said one of the reasons why I should have been asked about how I feel about medication is because my depression comes back so often... at least once a year. And it's not just the "the election sucked so now I'm depressed" or "ugh I failed my exams so now I'm depressed" or "someone ate the last donut!!!! I'm so depressed!!!" ... the deep, dark, feeling like dying is the only true, full release from the monster of depression.
I don't really have active thoughts of planning suicide anymore since I've seen what it does to the people left behind, but I get what are apparently called "passive thoughts of suicide." What are those? I'm about to cross the street and I think, "I wonder what it would be like if I let a car hit me?" Or "What would it feel like if I drove my car off this bridge?" Or "Maybe I should have let that car hit my car so I could just stop."
In any case, it's only day 3 of treatment and the pills take 2-4 weeks to take effect. I know I shouldn't be too excited or have high expectations, but I do. I just want my brain to change and stop hurting me.