Monday, April 29, 2013

Perks of being a wallflower

***HUGE spoilers****

On Friday night, a few of my closest friends and I watched "Perks of Being a Wallflower." It turned out to be actually pretty great... So it starts off by learning that the main character, Charlie, has been "away" after the suicide of his best friend... Doesn't seem like a happy movie right? Well it definitely gets better... With quite a turn at the end that was super surprising (because I hadn't read the book) but still. When Charlie basically finally gets the love interest (Emma Watson), it triggers his horrible experience of getting molested by his aunt.

It was amazing to me though how much at the end I identified with the main character. And scared me a bit. So I never was molested like he was but a close friend of mine did commit suicide and it was super difficult. And his breakdown was so... unbelievably real. He captured exactly how I felt. Well maybe not exactly but enough. If my friends weren't there... I probably would have sobbed. I cried but my back was to them thank goodness. His trigger with Emma Watson was something that I experienced after my friend was gone. There were so many triggers.. some bigger than others. What Emma Watson yells at him for too is something that I've been yelled at (well talked at for)... not looking out for my own happiness and not going for what I really want.

Finally, when Charlie snaps, he blacks out and wakes up in the institution. When the doctor asks him to let her help him, he responds with saying, "Just tell me how to make it stop... Stop seeing it. So much pain and I don't know how to not see it... Not me. It's them... I don't know how to stop it." And honestly.. I do feel like that. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but really. As I have gotten older, I am more aware of the pain that people go through. But not just people around me. People all over the world. For some odd reason, I feel partially responsible for the pain and suffering for those in terrible situations... Like I should be doing more and all I'm doing is sitting in my cushy job, doing nothing. I read about bombings, buildings collapsing, chronic malnutrition, etc and all I'm left is with this anger and sadness that it's all I'm doing about it. Reading. And stewing. I wish I could make it stop. I guess that's the other thing that I wish I could stop. Since high school, this underlying feeling of sadness/or something. Sadness isn't quite the word for it... I've never been able to pinpoint a good word for it... Anyway, I wish I could go back to when I was happier in life.. the person that everyone "remembers" me being. (Which actually is kind of funny because that happy-go-lucky person that people were seeing was definitely a mask). So I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I could mask my unhappiness more.

Anyway. Perks of Being a Wallflower was good... but also a painful reminder of the state that I will almost always be in.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

So much over six weeks!

First things first. Today is my brother's birthday... Hard to imagine that he's well into his 30s now.
Me and my brother at a rare moment in our childhood. I must have been like 4 so he was probably 7 or 8.
My brother will always be that guy that is "too cool for school." Not in that bad way. But more like... he just kind of is cool. Haha. I know that sounds weird but since we were kids, he was the cool sibling. My sister was the smart one (still with style) but my brother was just the cool one. It also could be that he was sporty the way I wanted to be. Anywho. Thus ends my ode to my brother. Haha.

My sister's birthday was 5 days ago! Haha. They used to gang up on me and tell me that was just another reason to prove that I was adopted because they were both born in April. As stated earlier, my sister is incredibly smart and to follow in her footsteps was not easy... but honestly it made me want to be better at school and be well-rounded. I have the best siblings. Really.

Anywho... the rest of my past 6 weeks have been insane. One day I completely overslept and missed work but then gave myself a migraine so I couldn't even enjoy my day off. BUT then that day I got to see the Idaho chapter of my extended familiy! Oh my GOODNESS was that fun. Four girls under the age of 12. All completely different personalities. And all so cute!

Also what's been happening in the past six weeks is that I have been becoming more and more disenchanted with the illustriousness of my job. I mean I answer on average 55 phone calls a day and process about 51 faxes.a day. Doesn't sound like much but couple that with meetings and trainings.... it can be no bueno. C'est la vie though. At least I have a job right? Right.

Oh I've been in and out of the dating scene as well which is weird. Sometimes I get really jazzed about it .. and then I'm like... Nah. Haha. Ah well. I guess when my life settles down a bit more I'll feel more inclined to actually date. Meh. :)