On Friday night, a few of my closest friends and I watched "Perks of Being a Wallflower." It turned out to be actually pretty great... So it starts off by learning that the main character, Charlie, has been "away" after the suicide of his best friend... Doesn't seem like a happy movie right? Well it definitely gets better... With quite a turn at the end that was super surprising (because I hadn't read the book) but still. When Charlie basically finally gets the love interest (Emma Watson), it triggers his horrible experience of getting molested by his aunt.
It was amazing to me though how much at the end I identified with the main character. And scared me a bit. So I never was molested like he was but a close friend of mine did commit suicide and it was super difficult. And his breakdown was so... unbelievably real. He captured exactly how I felt. Well maybe not exactly but enough. If my friends weren't there... I probably would have sobbed. I cried but my back was to them thank goodness. His trigger with Emma Watson was something that I experienced after my friend was gone. There were so many triggers.. some bigger than others. What Emma Watson yells at him for too is something that I've been yelled at (well talked at for)... not looking out for my own happiness and not going for what I really want.
Finally, when Charlie snaps, he blacks out and wakes up in the institution. When the doctor asks him to let her help him, he responds with saying, "Just tell me how to make it stop... Stop seeing it. So much pain and I don't know how to not see it... Not me. It's them... I don't know how to stop it." And honestly.. I do feel like that. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but really. As I have gotten older, I am more aware of the pain that people go through. But not just people around me. People all over the world. For some odd reason, I feel partially responsible for the pain and suffering for those in terrible situations... Like I should be doing more and all I'm doing is sitting in my cushy job, doing nothing. I read about bombings, buildings collapsing, chronic malnutrition, etc and all I'm left is with this anger and sadness that it's all I'm doing about it. Reading. And stewing. I wish I could make it stop. I guess that's the other thing that I wish I could stop. Since high school, this underlying feeling of sadness/or something. Sadness isn't quite the word for it... I've never been able to pinpoint a good word for it... Anyway, I wish I could go back to when I was happier in life.. the person that everyone "remembers" me being. (Which actually is kind of funny because that happy-go-lucky person that people were seeing was definitely a mask). So I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I could mask my unhappiness more.
Anyway. Perks of Being a Wallflower was good... but also a painful reminder of the state that I will almost always be in.