Thursday, October 25, 2012


In regards to my last post, I think... I'm actually just numb. While we were closing at small group tonight the thought flashed in my brain. The reason why I didn't have a complete meltdown was because I'm getting numb. Last year when I went to HMB, I completely broke down. I couldn't stop crying and wailing. Yes. Wailing. It might be because it was the first year I was home so the weight of her absence was more felt... but in any case, I sobbed my eyes out.

This time, I likened it to that I must be getting better ... I must be in the last "stage of grief" as put forth by Kubler-Ross, acceptance. But when thinking about it at small group, I'm not accepting of her death still. I still sometimes feel partially responsible. I still feel like it's completely unfair and if she had just waited until her boyfriend picked her up for lunch she'd still be here. What if, what if, what if....

Back to being numb. I think I'm really stressed out about applying to schools and jobs (for jobs I've applied to way too many, and I'm a little ashamed that I've applied to so many and have gotten rejected or just never heard back from them) and I've been consumed with those things. This past weekend, I made sure I was kept busy so I didn't really have time to think about truly how I felt and how I was dealing with the loss. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe that's just me stifling down more of my emotions. Hm.

Anywho. That was a depressing post. As were the past couple. Things will get better, I promise.

Sunday, October 21, 2012


It's been three years since she's been gone. What's weird to me is that unlike the past two years, today (this month in general so far) has not been as filled with sadness. Don't get me wrong. I still think about her. And sometimes it goes to the bad place of me asking the why questions... But like I was telling a friend today, I always come back to the fact that the night before, I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me too. For that, I will be forever grateful. That even though it was a text, I got to say what I didn't say nearly enough to her. 

After she died, (and to be completely cliche) I came to appreciate who was still around even more. Even three years out, if someone says, "I've been kind of sad lately" my ears and my heart stand on edge. I don't think I can handle another person close to me dying at a young age. I tell my friends I love them. A lot. I think to the point where they feel weird about it but I can't help it. What if something happens and God forbid they die or slip into a coma... and I have to wait until I die to meet them again to tell them how much I loved them? 

That's the hard part. The waiting. I just... I just want to be able to look her physically face to face and say, "Buddy, I love you. Don't leave me." I know it's selfish but I can't help it. I want to hug her tight one last time and tell her that if she wants me to let go, she's going to have to force me. I want her to wear her butt pads when we go to a bar again and we can laugh about it. I want to make her ramen and not let her clean up. 

But really all I want is to have her back. 

I know I won't get her back so I'll keep on living and grasping at the memories so they don't fade. I'll keep telling my friends that I love them. And I'll keep telling her I love her too.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

My beautiful friend

My beautiful friend. You would have turned 26 today. This will always be how I remember you. With a smile and a sparkle in your eyes. We both enjoyed the music of Snow Patrol so I picked one of our favorite songs and took some lyrics. I love you and miss you.

Friday, October 12, 2012

My ode to Cañada College

This year I took classes at Cañada College in Redwood City. It was my second time at a semester system institution but it was loads better than the first time around. Their cap is 20 units which I think is really smart because unless you rock at school and understand completely how to manage your time (which most 18 year olds or younger don't) that is more than enough. I basically maxed out and took chemistry, microbiology, nutrition, and physiology. I was a biological sciences major at Davis so I figured this should be super easy. Honestly? It wasn't the easiest but it was pretty much a cake walk. HOWEVER I am terrible at chemistry and the last time I took it was about 10 years ago so yeah. 

So my ode starts with the fact that when I was trying to enroll they asked me about 3 questions about my residency status in the US. I was no stranger to this because stupid De Anza and Foothill gave me hellish grief about not be a resident of the United States. Every time I went to each campus (about 3 times and stupid De Anza at least 2 more times than Foothill.) they had a different hoop for me to jump through. And of course each time it got more ridiculous or the person from before forgot to tell me one very important detail about what they needed from me. At Cañada, they basically asked me why I was away, how long I had been back, and my CA state driver's license. BAM. DONE. IN ONE TRIP.

AND THEN. In that same trip, they said, "Oh you're a new student, would you like to talk to a guidance counselor?" And I said, "Sure" thinking why the heck not? I have no idea how this campus works and how the courses correspond to nursing/med school. The guy was super nice and even tried to get me to take the "easier" chem class because (and he said this) "I'm sure you're capable of the other, but if you can get an A in the class it will look better for school and you'll be learning basically the same thing!" So freaking nice. Then of course all the teachers/professors there were super nice and helpful. They truly wanted to be there. I honestly think that if all my professors at Davis had been like that, I would've walked out of there with at least a 3.0. 

My most recent encounter which prompted me to write this ode involved me getting my transcripts in for AMCAS. They don't take part of the "Credential Solutions" site but you can still order them online. I don't mind driving so I just went to campus. I expected to pay at least $10 for a rush transcript. I talked to the administrative lady and she was A) super sweet B) super helpful. We talked about medical school, my appendix bursting, and culture. Then as I got my wallet out she said, "Okay well, I'll get this done right now and it will be in the outgoing mail today. Good luck!" I stood there for a couple seconds and it finally registered that I didn't have to pay a CENT. Even for a rush! I looked it up online and apparently, you don't have to pay for your first official transcript and subsequent ones are only $5. What?! 

I seriously love that school. The school colors are the A's colors which makes it even more fun. (Even though they lost :(:(:( I'm so sad). I love you Cañada. 

Friday, October 5, 2012

Another pet peeve

So, two bands that I love (and I do not toss that word around willy nilly), Mumford & Sons and Muse,  recently released new albums and I've been hearing one of my pet peeve phrases about music: "It sounds exactly the same as everything else they've done."

Okay. My issue with that statement is THAT'S WHY THEY ARE DOING SO WELL. Their music, what they do (and they do it fantastically well... because really, could you do any better? No? Then shut it), is what has made them successful. I've been hearing that more about Babel, the Mumford & Sons album, and it drives me crazy. It also kind of reminds me of that SNL skit with Will Ferrell and Christopher Walken about more cow bell. Except people are saying they've had enough of their (Mumford & Sons) shtick of the banjo... THAT'S THE KIND OF MUSIC THEY PLAY.  They are a FOLK rock band. Folk!!!!! Do you know what instruments are involved in folk music? ALMOST ANYTHING. It's FOLK. Almost anything goes... But American folk traditionally involves vocals, acoustic guitar, fiddle, banjo, mandolin, and harmonica. But guess what? Mumford & Sons are from England so as an American, I have no idea what makes English folk music but I'm going to guess pretty much the same as American folk music because the US was first founded by people FROM ENGLAND.

Can you tell it irks me? It's just that I feel like when people bash on artists in that way, my immediate thought is that if they came out with something completely different then their previous albums they would complain about that too! That they "sold out" ... which is another music phrase that drives me insane. But when another band that I love releases a new album and I start hearing that I'll blog about that then. (It'll probably be Green Day but we'll see). But what would lovers of Mumford & Sons do if they all of a sudden got rid of their banjo and completely changed the way their vocals sounded? They'd be confused and upset! They'd be a completely different band, different sound and probably not folk rock... So to the people who are complaining about the new Mumford  & Sons I say to you, "If you think you're so great, go make an album that destroys records of how many albums are sold in one week. I dare you to try."

And here's a funny gif that my friend sent me that sums up every Mumford & Sons song. Which I think is hilarious and pretty accurate... ahhaa

And then Muse! Now they're a bit different because some of their albums have in fact been very different when compared to each other... what holds true is Matt Bellamy's voice and their always epic sound. They're so influenced by classical music that you can hear the musicality and how intricate their songs are. Even when they're minimalist like their single Madness, it's still complex when you listen to the build and the decrescendo (sorry going music nerd on y'all). I always appreciate Muse's boldness in the sounds they make. One of my finest moments in life is when I didn't completely lose it when I met them. I almost did but I held it together. I didn't squeak like I did when I met my "husband" Xavi Alonso. That was uncool. But again, that's another blog post.

Anyway sorry for the rant but it had to be done.

Monday, October 1, 2012

It's officially been a year...

It's been a year since I've been home from graduate school. I wish I could say I've done much in the year but I haven't. I've been looking for jobs and being incredibly unsuccessful. I got rejected by the Global Health Corps again (that was earlier this year). Unsuccessful dating too. I think I've gained like 15 lbs. Ugh. Overall not a very successful year.

What I can say though is that I've gained friends and have made friendships stronger. Albeit that some of my friendships have grown weaker, I have matured and have been able to let them go. Or in the process of letting them go. It's just one of those things that happen as people get older I think. You start realizing which relationships are worth the effort and which ones aren't. One way I've started to handle it is by asking, "Does this person value me as I value them?" I know that sounds incredibly selfish but honestly, why should I put in effort into something when the person receiving it could care less about how much I care for them? I'm not talking about romantic relationships here, I'm talking about friendships. Take my best friend for example. She and I see each other maybe twice a year if we're lucky. We don't even talk every day. But we know that we have each others' backs and when we do talk or hang out, I know on my side that I never feel like there's some kind of ulterior motive from her. Like she's not using me for something. Sometimes with other friends I do, and that's when I get moved to stop pursuing. Or if I feel like I'm doing that to them you know?

ANYWHO. Like I said before, I have gained friends and for that I am incredibly thankful. One of which is Miriam. She is possibly one of the funniest people I know and the fact that she grew up on the East Coast is a breath of fresh air. She tells it like it is but also is unafraid to tell me/us (her small group) where she stands with us. I like that. I like that she's frank about how she views us and that she doesn't feel like she needs to sugar coat. You don't hear that kind of honesty always. I'm pretty sure she doesn't read this but I want to wish her a happy birthday and also, I made her this Chocolate Souffle Cake. 

Recipe from Tartine. She and her family loved it! 
Here's to a year of being back in the United States and to my new friend Miriam!