In regards to my last post, I think... I'm actually just numb. While we were closing at small group tonight the thought flashed in my brain. The reason why I didn't have a complete meltdown was because I'm getting numb. Last year when I went to HMB, I completely broke down. I couldn't stop crying and wailing. Yes. Wailing. It might be because it was the first year I was home so the weight of her absence was more felt... but in any case, I sobbed my eyes out.
This time, I likened it to that I must be getting better ... I must be in the last "stage of grief" as put forth by Kubler-Ross, acceptance. But when thinking about it at small group, I'm not accepting of her death still. I still sometimes feel partially responsible. I still feel like it's completely unfair and if she had just waited until her boyfriend picked her up for lunch she'd still be here. What if, what if, what if....
Back to being numb. I think I'm really stressed out about applying to schools and jobs (for jobs I've applied to way too many, and I'm a little ashamed that I've applied to so many and have gotten rejected or just never heard back from them) and I've been consumed with those things. This past weekend, I made sure I was kept busy so I didn't really have time to think about truly how I felt and how I was dealing with the loss. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe that's just me stifling down more of my emotions. Hm.
Anywho. That was a depressing post. As were the past couple. Things will get better, I promise.