Feelings

It's been three years since she's been gone. What's weird to me is that unlike the past two years, today (this month in general so far) has not been as filled with sadness. Don't get me wrong. I still think about her. And sometimes it goes to the bad place of me asking the why questions... But like I was telling a friend today, I always come back to the fact that the night before, I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me too. For that, I will be forever grateful. That even though it was a text, I got to say what I didn't say nearly enough to her. 

After she died, (and to be completely cliche) I came to appreciate who was still around even more. Even three years out, if someone says, "I've been kind of sad lately" my ears and my heart stand on edge. I don't think I can handle another person close to me dying at a young age. I tell my friends I love them. A lot. I think to the point where they feel weird about it but I can't help it. What if something happens and God forbid they die or slip into a coma... and I have to wait until I die to meet them again to tell them how much I loved them? 

That's the hard part. The waiting. I just... I just want to be able to look her physically face to face and say, "Buddy, I love you. Don't leave me." I know it's selfish but I can't help it. I want to hug her tight one last time and tell her that if she wants me to let go, she's going to have to force me. I want her to wear her butt pads when we go to a bar again and we can laugh about it. I want to make her ramen and not let her clean up. 

But really all I want is to have her back. 

I know I won't get her back so I'll keep on living and grasping at the memories so they don't fade. I'll keep telling my friends that I love them. And I'll keep telling her I love her too.