Tuesday, October 20, 2015

She would have been 29 today

Another year, another post for her. My beautiful friend. Today, I thought of her and how happy she looked all the time. But that's just it. It was happy. Temporary. There was less joy. She would've been 29 today. She probably would already have been married to him and possibly gotten pregnant. I wonder if she would have invited me to her 29th.

As I get older, the number of relationships that I actually care to keep decreases. Unfortunately, some of those I want to keep don't feel the same way. But then again, those who I don't especially care about probably feel the same way I do.

In the past 6 years, I've used her death as a motivator to be the best friend I can be. I've learned that trying to do that, hurts way more than I feel like it's supposed to. So now, I distance. Now, I want to be that friend that I was disappointed in... the one who buries herself in just her family and partner. I want to say, "Suck it bitches!" to all my friends and just desert.

But then again, I would want to feel important in someone's life. Too often I feel like I'm not important enough.... and then I go back to her. Why didn't she feel important enough? What could I have done to make her see that I needed her as that base at home that I could always go back to? How do I make it so I don't follow the same thoughts she did? (again, no worries, I'm not going to do anything to harm myself).

Just some things that I've been thinking about and learned over the past year... Some people want you to be their friends and some people couldn't give 2 shits about you. You just have to be smart enough to decipher which ones really do and which ones feel obligated to.

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