More thoughts on depression

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lexi-herrick/11-habits-of-people-with-_b_6384062.html

This article is actually pretty good. For almost all the numbers, I know, feel and do them. I feel a little bad because a couple of my friends battle with depression and anxiety at the same time. Thank God that I don't have anxiety but honestly I think it's because I really couldn't handle it. Every time my friends text me about having a panic attack I can't help but feel just so sad... I know I don't want to know what it feels like but at the same time I do so that I can say the right thing.

More about the article... I definitely make things look better than they are. I put on a smile at work every day and in front of most people. It's so tiring and nobody really gets it. Most people just talk talk talk and don't even think about what they're saying. Take my training group for example. The other day they started talking about how depressed people should just start talking about the things that they are grateful for in life. And all I wanted to do was scream, "Yeah, because it's that easy when you are actually haunted by depression." Not only that, I've tried that. Seriously. As a Christian, I try to thank God for all kinds of things, but unfortunately it doesn't work.

Like yesterday at church, before praise started I sat down and prayed thanking God that I made it to church. But then, the praise band started playing and singing... and the songs were mostly about going to heaven and being happy and thankful. And all I could think about was, "Yeah, I'd like to be in heaven right now. So much that I'm totally fine dying. God, give me cancer or something so I can just die and be free of this world."

And yet now here I am at work again putting on a happy face, desperately seeking approval from anyone and everyone. Happy Monday.