My stomach has not stopped quivering. My chest feels like it's caving in. I feel like my insides are shaking so hard that they will detach from the walls of my body cavity.
The only other time I have ever felt this nervous is before seating auditions for symphony when I was in high school. Not even when I was auditioning for Impressions. I play violin so the fact that my hands were visibly shaking didn't help calm my nerves and help me play better.
I feel like breaking down and sobbing and the only explanation is that I feel the most nervous I have ever been in my life. Before I wrote this, nobody knew. I'm pretty sure only one person reads this and now you know. (okay but don't worry it'll pass. these feelings have to pass right? I mean my problems are nothing compared to say my sister or anyone who is truly suffering from poverty or hunger)
It's not like my life has led up to this moment. When I get to medical school and am in my white coat ceremony that will be the moment. But right now... why? I can't shake this feeling that when I get there tomorrow, they'll look at me and say, "What on earth were we thinking?" I can't help but think that I will utterly fail.
Maybe this feeling is compounded by the fact that I feel like I am applying to medical school in vain. I really don't think I will get in. I feel like I'm wasting my time and money. Time and money I don't have.
I turn 28 in a couple weeks. Yes that is young. But not that young. I am competing with 22 year olds whose brains are fresh in college and know how to process information quickly. What have I been doing for the past five years (ask many of the schools I apply to)? I feel like a jumble of nothing. Everything my brother said has come true. I am nothing but a compilation of random, inconsequential experiences. I have done nothing of substance. Everything I have done is for naught.
I do not think I will make it. I will have to give up and have a career that is sub-fulfilling (I'm pretty sure I just made that up) and blame myself for it for the rest of my life. This is the beginning of the end.
Okay so that was super sad but I needed to get that out. What better place than to do that publicly on the interwebs so that people can see my immature cry for attention? Why the eff not. Like I said, I'm almost 28. Like I give a flying eff what people I don't even know think.