On Saturday, one of my childhood friends got married. I had the honor of being in her bridal party. Unfortunately it's one of those things that I felt honored but it also made me very sad.
No no. Not in that way... the "pity me I'm still single" way. In the way that.... well. My friend who got married, our friend who passed away a few years ago, and I were incredibly close for many years. And seeing her happy and getting married makes me so happy for her, do not doubt that for one second... but I can't help but think that in my place it should be our friend. She would've been the more obvious choice.
As I watched her get ready for her wedding so many thoughts ran through my head: how happy I was for her, how proud I was of her for being able to evolve and incorporate another so well into her life, how sad I was that our friend was not physically there to show her how happy she was for her... I only got a little teary twice. Once when we got her dress on her finally and all the bridesmaids took a step back and looked at how amazing she looked. And then the other time was when each bridesmaid took their solo photo with her. I went last and as I walked up we looked at each other and we had this interesting silent conversation with our eyes and we both got choked up. I think we both were thinking about our friend and how it would have so much more complete with her there.
I was talking to my friend KO after the wedding and basically processing everything that happened... I made her pick me up from the reception because I felt SO awkward (of course after all the bridesmaids' duties were over) because literally the only people I knew there were my parents and the bride. I was processing with KO and I realized this: I was the sole representative of her past. But what's more, is that I wasn't there just as myself and her past, but I was there as myself and our friend that is gone. I was playing two roles the whole time and had finally just realized it after the whole night was over. It didn't feel bad. Honestly, it felt a tad bit more right. It wasn't complete without the third Christine there.. but (and maybe I'm giving myself too much credit) with me being there, it felt much more complete.
Anyway, I think that was the toughest wedding to be at (let alone be a part of) and I am just so happy that my friend was sent off well.