Monday, March 5, 2012

Stream of conscious

When I had a xanga (back in the day), I used to do this thing called, "stream of conscious" posts. It seems immature but honestly, they help a lot. Unfiltered thinking can hurt but because I'm such a verbal processor and the fact that this is so public, sometimes helps me to stay in check and air my dirty laundry into the world where there are problems way worse than mine. Also, it's like my little pensieve... Like in Harry Potter. Although I wish I had a real one so my freaking memory wouldn't be so jumbled up all the time and when I try to recall things people stop asking me, "Were you that drunk?!" when in fact it was something in the middle of the day, therefore I would absolutely NOT be drunk. Duh.

Anyway. Here goes. My first stream of conscious post on blogger. Oh also there should be a disclaimer that these thoughts (more than likely negative) usually do not amount to anything and like the name suggests, it's mostly a fleeting thought. So don't read too much into it/them. If you have a question, just ask! (Yes that's my shameless asking for comments on my posts! But thanks K.O. who always does :) hehe) Oh and for the sake of quickness, I am not gramatically correct so to all of you "Ross" types out there, can it (about the grammar).
i am worn out. worn out all around. when i begin to think about what things i need to do, i can't help but ask, "God could you just give me like 2 more hours?" but then i realize, even if that happened, i'd probably waste it anyway because i'd be dicking around on the interwebs. much like right now. i should be studying for physio but the task is so daunting that i find myself programming myself to fail. i do this to myself too much. if unnie were here she'd smack me and yell at me for short changing myself. people in my classes think i'm smart, but they have no idea that i'm pretty much retaking all these classes... so really, i'm kinda... dumb for the lack of a better word. i'm so the anti-MV student. except when it comes to holding ridiculously high expectations for myself. then of course when i don't fulfill them, i feel worthless and like a full on eejit. i actually kind of feel like that right now. it's reinforced by those who i thought were close to me but are proving to care less. but then i turn it around on me... do i care less about them? honestly? i don't think so. if anything the want/desire to show them how much more i care gets deeper. ugh there i go turning it to me again. i can never stay too long on caring for others because apparently, all i care about is myself. i've heard it said that as people age, they more and more look out for only themselves. maybe i'm a walking, talking example of this. i'm as selfish as they get. when was the last time i did something truly for the love of someone else? ... i guess not too long ago but then it comes to bite me in the butt because later i think, "hey i wonder if they even realized ...." i'm such a terrible person. i'm so "look at me, look at me" when i want to be so edifying to others. sometimes i really wonder why God would make a person like me. ugh. anyway, i'm so glad to be single right now. then i can deal with the uglies without anyone but myself (and sometimes people and of course God) seeing them. i wonder if that's why mcirish wanted to break up with me. ugh. i hate thinking about him. i hope his sister is well and has that child she so badly wanted to have. i duno. sometimes, i pray for a wipe out. or that this life that i think i'm living is the fake one, and that actually, i'm some beautiful, hilarious, intelligent, faithful prayer warrior woman who dreams so vividly about her sad alternate. it won't happen. this is the way it is. i wish this was one of those times where it was okay, but it's not. i think way too much about stupid things than i should.... i am worn out.
See? Pretty negative and bad eh? That's a glimpse of what it's like in my mind BUT with less ADD (because I'm tired, it's a bit easier for me to focus on one thought stream than see the hundreds of others that are firing too. Seeing inside my ADD peak mind is way crazier... haha) It's also "late" right now and I really should be studying but I felt like I needed to clear my mind before I got really into it. So... awkward.... Some private thoughts of mine are now again, on the interwebs for the world (2 people) to see. Ah well. C'est la vie right?

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