Sunday, May 25, 2014

Desperation as a friend isn't pretty

So let me give some background. If you read this blog, you will know that I experienced something that no young person should ever have to go through. The loss of a friend to suicide. That was definitely one of the most difficult times of my whole short life thus far and I know that the only thing that will usurp its place is the loss of one of my parents. I will not be able to handle that. I already know this.

Anyway back to the point of this post. When my friend passed away, it really brought to light how desperate I am as a friend but also intensified that desperation. What do I mean by this? 

So in high school but also mostly in college I had this thing about being left out. Not that I had to be the center of attention, but that I wanted to know everything that everyone else knew. I didn't like inside jokes that I wasn't a part of and hated when someone would reference a story and I was the only one who wasn't present at the time the story took place. Those kinds of things. It got particularly difficult in college as all of my close friends (literally all) went to UCSD and I went to Davis. To this day I don't regret that at all but in that time of my life, I hated it. I felt like everyone like everyone else better than me and I was getting edged out. 

I look back and that was so desperate and sad. I'm definitely better about it now but like I said, when my friend passed away almost five years ago, it sparked that desperation back and set off a roaring version of that. I became that clingy, telling all my friends I love them friend. My friends understood, and still understand, that I have to tell them that I love them. Because that's the one thing that kept me from jumping off a bridge myself; was that in our texts to each other the day before she died, I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me. I cling to that like nobody's business. 

What's sparking this post is that one of my very, very closest and dear friends is battling depression right now. What's more difficult is that she's pregnant. I just found out how bad it got and (selfishly) it made me really sad. Because before, she and I would've talked it out. But now she has moved onto other friends and it makes me feel sad that she doesn't talk to me anymore about it. I get that one of the other friends has also been pregnant but I guess I just feel like I haven't been a good enough friend to her so that she would come to me and vent/tell me the things she's going through. I haven another close friend who is going through depression as well but he is much more vocal and we have been talking more which is nice (It's amazing how something so ugly and horrible as depression can bring people together).

And now, my friend that I live with, sometimes I feel like now that he has a partner, he doesn't share as much stuff with me. I know this is inconsequential but like the jobs he's applying for... Again I know this is selfish but I just want to lend my support! Is that so bad?

Yeah I know. You think this is just another desperate cry for assurance and digging for compliments but it's not. Truly, I just want to be a better friend so that all my friends know that I love them and my life would be made much worse if they were not a part of my life.

1 comment:

  1. You are a wonderful friend. :)
    Speaking of your friend who passed...sometimes, maybe she is singing and dancing over you. Like she's in a musical ;*