Birthday

For the first time in years, my Facebook account was deactivated. No barrage of emails saying folks who actually don't really give a flying eff about me saying happy birthday, or this year hbd (which comon people? i get you don't care but you don't care so much as to not spell out happy birthday? we're the generation of technology. i'm pretty sure fully typing out happy birthday isn't that difficult. haha sorry little rant)

However, I was blown away by the people who actually made the effort to say happy birthday to me. I have this friend in Ireland, who recently revealed to me that he is the sole Irish reader I have of this blog, who emailed... I was so amazed that he remembered and was humbled that even after not being in contact for months, he A) remembered B) put the effort to write a very sweet email. Even this guy that I actually dated a bit wrote me a "hbd" email with that acronym in the subject but in the body angrily wrote a note about me un-Facebooking him. I thought, "Seriously dude? In a birthday email?"

The Wednesday before my birthday, basically the day before, my wonderful small group threw me a party that will live in my memory forever. It honestly was so great. They transformed a hallway in one of their homes into a Moroccan theme with pillows and beautiful drapes everywhere. But above the top they strung lights so it was like we were dining under the stars! They know me so well. Stars and candelight... Could a woman ask for anymore? Company? HAD IT! Three women who are amazing in their own way... One I have known since I was a child who continually challenges the way I think and is great with words and encouraging. One I have known for a little over a year now but it feels like a lifetime because we get along so famously. She is the most stylish and fun friend I have made recently. She is also incredibly encouraging and she makes it so easy for me to be vulnerable and open with our group. Last but not least, Kristin. I have spoken about her here before but she is, without a doubt, one of my best friends. She knows me incredibly well and never judges me. Even after some of the incredibly stupid things I have done. She always says that I am a "down ass m effer" which I don't think is true but when it comes to me, she is that... Her note/card for my birthday made me cry. All three of their cards are now in my rainy day box.

On the actual date of my birthday, I sent out an evite to about 30 people to join me at Smugglers' Cove and three showed up. But you know what? I honestly didn't care very much because it just showed who actually cares about me and who doesn't. And also my birthday is so near the holidays that it's difficult to make it out to things as well. Anyway. But beforehand, I got taken out to Opaque, which is the restaurant that you dine completely in the dark. It was a great experience! I would totally do it again but this time with the mystery drinks as well. It was seriously so much fun... Too bad it's uber expensive. The other cool thing is that all the servers are legally blind/visually impaired. It was amazing to be able live in their world for a couple hours. I was reminded yet again of how much I truly have in my life.

The start of my 29th year on this earth (yes I had to think about truly which year this is because actually in the US we start at 0 yrs 1 day and the first birthday is actually the end of the first year born. Isn't that weird?) was amazing and one that will live in my memory forever. Thank you to all that made it happen. I will probably update this with photos later!

Nerves

My stomach has not stopped quivering. My chest feels like it's caving in. I feel like my insides are shaking so hard that they will detach from the walls of my body cavity.

The only other time I have ever felt this nervous is before seating auditions for symphony when I was in high school. Not even when I was auditioning for Impressions. I play violin so the fact that my hands were visibly shaking didn't help calm my nerves and help me play better.

I feel like breaking down and sobbing and the only explanation is that I feel the most nervous I have ever been in my life. Before I wrote this, nobody knew. I'm pretty sure only one person reads this and now you know. (okay but don't worry it'll pass. these feelings have to pass right? I mean my problems are nothing compared to say my sister or anyone who is truly suffering from poverty or hunger)

It's not like my life has led up to this moment. When I get to medical school and am in my white coat ceremony that will be the moment. But right now... why? I can't shake this feeling that when I get there tomorrow, they'll look at me and say, "What on earth were we thinking?" I can't help but think that I will utterly fail.

Maybe this feeling is compounded by the fact that I feel like I am applying to medical school in vain. I really don't think I will get in. I feel like I'm wasting my time and money. Time and money I don't have.

I turn 28 in a couple weeks. Yes that is young. But not that young. I am competing with 22 year olds whose brains are fresh in college and know how to process information quickly. What have I been doing for the past five years (ask many of the schools I apply to)? I feel like a jumble of nothing. Everything my brother said has come true. I am nothing but a compilation of random, inconsequential experiences. I have done nothing of substance. Everything I have done is for naught.

I do not think I will make it. I will have to give up and have a career that is sub-fulfilling (I'm pretty sure I just made that up) and blame myself for it for the rest of my life. This is the beginning of the end.
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Okay so that was super sad but I needed to get that out. What better place than to do that publicly on the interwebs so that people can see my immature cry for attention? Why the eff not. Like I said, I'm almost 28. Like I give a flying eff what people I don't even know think.

Recently dating... meh

Recently I've been dating this guy... Let's call him Will. One of my closest friends saw him on okcupid and read through his profile and thought of me which I thought was actually really nice of her. She messaged him and told him that she thought we'd be a good fit and then emailed both of us to introduce us.

It started off really well. I laughed at his emails. When she showed me his profile, I thought he was cute. We emailed multiple times a day for about a week or so... and then my other really good friend who is a quizmaster with Brainstormer was hosting a Halloween quiz the night before Halloween. Since we had talked about pub quizzes before I thought this would be a good first meet up. And it was! He was really funny and super sociable even with like 8 strangers. At the end of the night it was quite awkward though.... Well I'm an inherently awkward person so it was going to be awkward regardless. But he walked me to my car and we said good bye in about 5 different ways before he finally walked away. Leaving me feeling more awkward than usual. I chalked it up to nerves and the fact that he's also a super smart engineer... Haha I'm so mean.

Then he asked me out to dinner which I thought was a good sign. And I had a great time as I thought he did because he laughed at my lame jokes and I laughed at his stories. Then we got more beer at this bar which happened to have a live cover band and, wait for it, COUGAR NIGHT. Hahahah. It was quite the amazing. It made for great conversation and Will even sang along to a lot of the songs... Like I said, great night. Awkward ending again as I didn't know what to do with myself so as we were saying bye again, I did the penguin flap arms. Just imagine it. You'll see it. Then I loudly said, "Okay bye!!!" as I flung open my arms for a hug. It echoed because we were in a parking garage. Le sigh. I'm so awkward.

Then came the second date. Dinner again but this time we went to a film after. More awkwardness was had as we drove separately from the restaurant to the cinema but eh fine. But then we were super early for the film so we just sat, ate ice cream, and commented on the video gamers. We watched Wreck It Ralph which was super  cute. He walked me to my car again and came another awkward goodbye. No penguin arms this time but we said bye again like 3 different ways before I loudly said BYE and flung open my arms. We hugged and said bye.

So now... I accidentally asked him out and he said no. Then I took it back but asked him to something else. Okay wait. I didn't really take it back but I sort of did. No I will not expand because just thinking about it makes my awkward percentage shoot up like 50%. He declined that invite too which I'm fine with but now I haven't heard back from him.

I think I'm calling it quits. He's a nice guy... I guess I just don't feel that special connection. I guess it's my fault too because I did pray about it that if he's not worth my time for God to make it not happen since I'm such a terrible judge. I mean look at my track record. Not too great. I mean the only "serious" relationship I had only lasted four months and the guy turned out to be a mega-player.

Like I've said before, c'est la vie. Life goes on and really this doesn't matter anyway since I'm (hopefully) going to be in med school this time next year!

Lost battle

So I'm applying to medical school this year and basically got completely and utterly screwed by the central application system for three schools. To the point where I effectively did not even apply to them but they are keeping my money even though that money essentially was not exchanged for anything. They just got my money for no reason.

So here's the story morning glory.

The massive A...M-C-AS (randomly hyphenated and punctuated so I don't get somehow penalized for this later) who handles literally all medical school a,pp.;s has a website where you input all of your course info... excuse me. ALL of your college courses that you have taken. Ever. The reason why I make this point bold and italic is because that is the reason why I got royally screwed. Because I didn't input classes that I "took" in high school, they "unsubmitted" my application THE DAY before the "Forms" due date for most of my schools (or the day AFTER as well). The why is the word took in quotes? Because the classes they told me that I had to input were from when I was in the California Youth Symphony and had to enroll during the academic year I was there to allow us to use their facilities. All pass/fail. Did not count towards anything. BUT because apparently they're still on my stupid Foothill transcripts I was supposed to input them. Okay. For reals??? FROM AGE FOURTEEN. FOR CLASSES THAT DIDN'T EVEN COUNT. How FREAKING ridiculous is that? I was literally livid.

I have never in my life called for the sole purpose of complaining but I couldn't keep it in. I called to yell at anyone who answered the phone. I did tell them that I wasn't mad at them but rather their organization and the ridiculous bureaucracy that they make students jump through. Seriously. What is the freaking point of making us put in all of our courses, when you scan our transcripts anyway? And then the guy I was talking at literally laughed while I was yelling at him and I said, "I fail to see the humor in this. You are messing with my career and the rest of my life..." To which he replied, "Woah ma'am. We are not messing with anything." And I said, "Effectively you are." I could go on and on and on about the absolute crud he was telling me but I won't bore you with the details.

The point is I lost my battle and also a ton of money because of the bitches that are this organization. Because of their shitty monopoly. If only there was another service out that that I could use. Le. SIGH.

Thankful

This week I have much to be thankful for. I mean in general I have tons  to be thankful for... but this week specifically has been utterly ... well. Undeserved by me.

Let's start with the fact that on Monday I had an interview at this behemoth of a company here in the Silicon Valley. I can say that without disclosing actually where because there are a number of ginormous companies here so HA!

Oh wait let me back up.

So last week was the week of comedy. I saw Louis CK on Wednesday, Rex Navarette on Friday, and Hannibal Buress on Saturday. All in all, hilarious. But by Friday I was not feeling great. Woke up with a sore throat and generally just tired. I figured it was lady times. It wasn't. The next day I woke up with a sore throat too and was phlegmy and gross. BUT I had signed up for the Awesome 80s Run in San Francisco (which indeed was AWESOME) for Sunday and I wasn't about to back out. My outfit was too great.

Yes. That is a Delorean. And yes. I sat in it after pointing at it. One of my prouder moments in life.

So I did the stupid, stubborn thing and ran a 10K on Sunday. The event was incredibly fun. The running? The worst. It was super hard for me to breathe but I pushed myself to finish it ... And I did!

With A HUGE COST. The next morning I woke up super super sick.  Like, sneezing with a ton of snot coming out. The sneezing felt great, everything else was annoying and stupid. And of course I had the interview with the already mentioned prestigious company. Mind you I have been working in a job for a month that has absolutely nothing to do with want I want to do in life, so while I have been extremely  thankful for a job, I have been super bored at this job. So when this interview was offered I jumped. There was no way I was going to back out. By the grace of God, I didn't sneeze during the whole 35 minute interview and then was able to blow my nose like I had never done before when they left me to do my writing sample. Two and a half hours later, I was offered the job! Beyond thankful for this

Up until this point, I have applied to about 80 jobs. I did not get an interview for any of them. I didn't even get contacted back from about half of them (effing Stanford thinks they are so great that they don't need to extend the courtesy of an email rejecting someone). I applied for a job at this non-profit too that seemed perfect for me because I would get to apply my masters degree knowledge whilst  doing what I want to do the most in life... help underserved communities get quality health care.

I'm also thankful that my current job is so great and understanding and is letting me go. A large part of this is my friend who initially got me the job. She made sure that the manager understood that I could leave at any moment. OH and on Monday, I had my first call fully in Spanish! I was so proud of myself and everyone was proud of me too! I didn't falter one bit and I even remembered words for random things were we talking about! And I made her laugh. Mostly because she asked me immediately if I spoke Spanish and at first I said no. Then I felt bad and said (in Spanish), well, if you speak really slowly, I speak a little Spanish. I even used the subjunctive. It felt awesome. Jaja (yeah. I did that.)

Then of course my brother came home who I always love to see because well he's my brother but also he brings home this barrage of films. This time we watched Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, End of Watch, and ParaNorman. The last one we watched just the two of us and it was nice. I know that's a weird word to use but it was. Nice.

We had dinner at my cousins' just about 40 minutes north of me where we not only celebrated Thanksgiving with our Korean flare but our niece's first birthday! She's so freaking adorable. She and her older brother have husky voices which I love. And they're both so sweet! I made a gif of her because I could not get enough. Then my friends and I had BFF Thanksgiving which was great as well. So this point is... I'm thankful for people that love me but also like me

What can I say? I've got it pretty good :)

Numb

In regards to my last post, I think... I'm actually just numb. While we were closing at small group tonight the thought flashed in my brain. The reason why I didn't have a complete meltdown was because I'm getting numb. Last year when I went to HMB, I completely broke down. I couldn't stop crying and wailing. Yes. Wailing. It might be because it was the first year I was home so the weight of her absence was more felt... but in any case, I sobbed my eyes out.

This time, I likened it to that I must be getting better ... I must be in the last "stage of grief" as put forth by Kubler-Ross, acceptance. But when thinking about it at small group, I'm not accepting of her death still. I still sometimes feel partially responsible. I still feel like it's completely unfair and if she had just waited until her boyfriend picked her up for lunch she'd still be here. What if, what if, what if....

Back to being numb. I think I'm really stressed out about applying to schools and jobs (for jobs I've applied to way too many, and I'm a little ashamed that I've applied to so many and have gotten rejected or just never heard back from them) and I've been consumed with those things. This past weekend, I made sure I was kept busy so I didn't really have time to think about truly how I felt and how I was dealing with the loss. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe that's just me stifling down more of my emotions. Hm.

Anywho. That was a depressing post. As were the past couple. Things will get better, I promise.

Feelings

It's been three years since she's been gone. What's weird to me is that unlike the past two years, today (this month in general so far) has not been as filled with sadness. Don't get me wrong. I still think about her. And sometimes it goes to the bad place of me asking the why questions... But like I was telling a friend today, I always come back to the fact that the night before, I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me too. For that, I will be forever grateful. That even though it was a text, I got to say what I didn't say nearly enough to her. 

After she died, (and to be completely cliche) I came to appreciate who was still around even more. Even three years out, if someone says, "I've been kind of sad lately" my ears and my heart stand on edge. I don't think I can handle another person close to me dying at a young age. I tell my friends I love them. A lot. I think to the point where they feel weird about it but I can't help it. What if something happens and God forbid they die or slip into a coma... and I have to wait until I die to meet them again to tell them how much I loved them? 

That's the hard part. The waiting. I just... I just want to be able to look her physically face to face and say, "Buddy, I love you. Don't leave me." I know it's selfish but I can't help it. I want to hug her tight one last time and tell her that if she wants me to let go, she's going to have to force me. I want her to wear her butt pads when we go to a bar again and we can laugh about it. I want to make her ramen and not let her clean up. 

But really all I want is to have her back. 

I know I won't get her back so I'll keep on living and grasping at the memories so they don't fade. I'll keep telling my friends that I love them. And I'll keep telling her I love her too.