So many emotions

Last Tuesday, the country where I was born and am a citizen of elected a new president.

Since then, I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. It is no secret on this site that I battle with depression and if that wasn't bad enough this happened.

It is also no secret that I am a woman and a person of color. I have a learning disability. I am an LGBTQI ally. So you probably can guess what I'm about to say next.

I did not vote for Donald Trump. Yes, I am a registered Democrat, but this was about so much more than party. I have seen this argument that people didn't vote for Trump the Man, rather Trump and the Party but I cannot help but wonder, how did people separate the two? I feel like a person's actions are, in large part, a show of their thoughts.... This man, Donald Trump, has repeatedly talked about sexually assaulting women and basically saying that it's okay, preyed on fear and therefore made the racism already in this country far worse, and flung open the gates of hatred. 

Every time I feel like I'm ready to calmly discuss this country's politics, I hear of yet another story of how minorities are being hated on. 

I get angry. I get sad. I get upset. I get nervous. I get enraged. I get scared. It has been a non-stop cycle of negative emotions. 

Trump supporters are calling on us Hillary supporters to "calm down" and "reach across the aisle." My question to them is, "Would you do the same if Hillary won?" I mean if the tables were turned, wouldn't they be angry/hurt? The difference is our feelings do not stop at anger and hurt; they go on to fear, nervousness, anxiety. Why? I said it above, Trump has opened the gates and by proxy (probably not the correct use) okayed hatred and acts of hatred. 

I have been called racial slurs, cat called, and made to feel unsafe. I know what that feels like. I luckily live in an incredibly liberal city but there is still that little voice that says, "Watch out." I am not as safe as I thought I was. 

I leave with this last thing:

One of the most interesting and valuable lessons so far this year in school is when we put headphones in that simulated having auditory hallucinations (like many people who have schizophrenia do) and then we walked around school to try to do a sort of scavenger hunt (ask people directions to places, find certain classrooms, etc.)

I feel like people who have never had the experience of being discriminated against because of the way they look, their socioeconomic status, their sexual orientation, or their abilities need to go through a similar simulation. Then maybe they will see why/how half this nation (myself included) is in mourning. Then maybe their minds will open and we can have a better discussion about how to love on each other and make the system better and more equitable. Then maybe they will begin to understand the terror people feel inside because we don't know who in our neighborhood feels empowered by what happened on Tuesday.

Just maybe.

First week done!

So my first week of school is done with and I have to say that my stress level is ... still the same but feels different. I know that sounds weird but basically before school started, it felt like this gigantic question mark that loomed over me and threatening my sanity.

Now that question mark is much smaller but ... I still have some stress and anxiety. Yes all my teachers/lecturers/professors have reiterated over and over that each student is there not by chance but because they were exclusively chosen by the faculty... and because they know we can succeed in these programs. It's fantastic to hear but my old nagging, self-destructive voice is still there saying, "Are you sure? You're pretty old now. You don't remember stuff like you used to. The rest of the cohort is smarter, younger and faster. Remember how poorly you did in school?"

That voice is something I know I have to fight hard and with the help and prayers of my aptly named "Thunder Buddies" (a term I'm taking from my dear friend Adam from sadrunner.com) ... I think I can do it.

So far, even the fiancé has been great. He's been great at making sure I'm doing all my reading and school work. But even still, there's that negative voice again that says, "yes but you're not paying him enough attention and he will resent you..." 

Ugh the negative voice sucks. I should name it something horrible... like Voldemort. And then defeat it! Hmmm this has proved to be a good session of writing. 

Onward and upward!!!!

I'm a hater

I drink the haterade. Daily. Sometimes I don't care... well let's face it. I don't care most of the time but sometimes I do feel bad about dealing out so much hate. Let's make something clear, when I say hate I mean that completely in the colloquial sense of the word. Do I actually hate/detest/abhor what I say I hate? No. .... Wellllll maybe. Somethings. But it's actually very rare when I truly hate something.

Today I feel as though I need to make it public. Like in the internetsphere public. I hate Taylor Swift. I can give her a bit of respect because of how she is the perfect marketing tool and she follows the lead of her team well. She helps to write songs that perfectly appeal to her target demographic.

But here's where the hate comes in. She is the epitome of everything I hate. I don't know why I have dubbed her this way. (Actually I think I do but that will come later). She claims this "awkwardness" when in reality, she's a tall, run of the mill, girl next door pretty white girl who tries to bop her head to hip hop. She gets to wear these amazing dresses and clothes that, because she has basically the perfect body type for almost any clothing, perfectly accent her. She gets her hair and makeup perfectly done everyday by professionals. She goes to the gym wearing makeup (which I hate on any person at the gym). Really Taylor Swift? You say you're awkward? Then why do you call every single person your friend? A truly awkward person isn't actually that social. I should know. I spend every day of my life living on about 60% awkwardness at all times (and then it spikes when I'm around people I admire, authoritative figures, and really good looking people).

Then there's her "talent." Have you actually ever heard her sing live? It's horrible. I'm tired of people giving her too much credit. ADMIT THAT SHE USES AUTOTUNE just like pretty much all pop artists out there nowadays. People say, "Oh but her lyrics are so raw, so real." Are they? Or are they recycled pretty much over and over again. How trite can one person be?

"She's so good to her fans"... She gave one of her fans that had crippling student debt $1989 (and some other stupid merch).. really Taylor Swift? You couldn't dig deeper into that multi-platinum selling album pocket of yours to maybe pay off that fan's debt completely? And $1989 just b/c your album is called that... seriously? Like you need to promote that swill to that fan? Why not give her $198900? Still has that stupid number in it.

So to my surprise, many of my female friends actually really enjoy her music. Doesn't make me love my friends any less but it was just surprising. I guess that's the power of a good hook.

Let me get to why I have dubbed Taylor Swift to be the symbol of everything that I hate. I am not an attractive person. I have this odd, weird streak of not completely trusting obviously beautiful people. But it makes it worse when that person says, "Oh no, I'm just normal." Oh no you don't. Don't pull that crap. There's a reason why people fight to dress you and be your stylist. Taylor Swift stands tall, thin and very well made up. Everything I am not. She is extremely successful at something I wish I was successful.

So yes. The reasons why I hate on her so much are .... deeper than the first few paragraphs. But I stand by my ruling. I hate Taylor Swift. And unless she does something absolutely selfless and amazing, I will never change my mind about her.

Nerves

My stomach has not stopped quivering. My chest feels like it's caving in. I feel like my insides are shaking so hard that they will detach from the walls of my body cavity.

The only other time I have ever felt this nervous is before seating auditions for symphony when I was in high school. Not even when I was auditioning for Impressions. I play violin so the fact that my hands were visibly shaking didn't help calm my nerves and help me play better.

I feel like breaking down and sobbing and the only explanation is that I feel the most nervous I have ever been in my life. Before I wrote this, nobody knew. I'm pretty sure only one person reads this and now you know. (okay but don't worry it'll pass. these feelings have to pass right? I mean my problems are nothing compared to say my sister or anyone who is truly suffering from poverty or hunger)

It's not like my life has led up to this moment. When I get to medical school and am in my white coat ceremony that will be the moment. But right now... why? I can't shake this feeling that when I get there tomorrow, they'll look at me and say, "What on earth were we thinking?" I can't help but think that I will utterly fail.

Maybe this feeling is compounded by the fact that I feel like I am applying to medical school in vain. I really don't think I will get in. I feel like I'm wasting my time and money. Time and money I don't have.

I turn 28 in a couple weeks. Yes that is young. But not that young. I am competing with 22 year olds whose brains are fresh in college and know how to process information quickly. What have I been doing for the past five years (ask many of the schools I apply to)? I feel like a jumble of nothing. Everything my brother said has come true. I am nothing but a compilation of random, inconsequential experiences. I have done nothing of substance. Everything I have done is for naught.

I do not think I will make it. I will have to give up and have a career that is sub-fulfilling (I'm pretty sure I just made that up) and blame myself for it for the rest of my life. This is the beginning of the end.
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Okay so that was super sad but I needed to get that out. What better place than to do that publicly on the interwebs so that people can see my immature cry for attention? Why the eff not. Like I said, I'm almost 28. Like I give a flying eff what people I don't even know think.

Lost battle

So I'm applying to medical school this year and basically got completely and utterly screwed by the central application system for three schools. To the point where I effectively did not even apply to them but they are keeping my money even though that money essentially was not exchanged for anything. They just got my money for no reason.

So here's the story morning glory.

The massive A...M-C-AS (randomly hyphenated and punctuated so I don't get somehow penalized for this later) who handles literally all medical school a,pp.;s has a website where you input all of your course info... excuse me. ALL of your college courses that you have taken. Ever. The reason why I make this point bold and italic is because that is the reason why I got royally screwed. Because I didn't input classes that I "took" in high school, they "unsubmitted" my application THE DAY before the "Forms" due date for most of my schools (or the day AFTER as well). The why is the word took in quotes? Because the classes they told me that I had to input were from when I was in the California Youth Symphony and had to enroll during the academic year I was there to allow us to use their facilities. All pass/fail. Did not count towards anything. BUT because apparently they're still on my stupid Foothill transcripts I was supposed to input them. Okay. For reals??? FROM AGE FOURTEEN. FOR CLASSES THAT DIDN'T EVEN COUNT. How FREAKING ridiculous is that? I was literally livid.

I have never in my life called for the sole purpose of complaining but I couldn't keep it in. I called to yell at anyone who answered the phone. I did tell them that I wasn't mad at them but rather their organization and the ridiculous bureaucracy that they make students jump through. Seriously. What is the freaking point of making us put in all of our courses, when you scan our transcripts anyway? And then the guy I was talking at literally laughed while I was yelling at him and I said, "I fail to see the humor in this. You are messing with my career and the rest of my life..." To which he replied, "Woah ma'am. We are not messing with anything." And I said, "Effectively you are." I could go on and on and on about the absolute crud he was telling me but I won't bore you with the details.

The point is I lost my battle and also a ton of money because of the bitches that are this organization. Because of their shitty monopoly. If only there was another service out that that I could use. Le. SIGH.

Numb

In regards to my last post, I think... I'm actually just numb. While we were closing at small group tonight the thought flashed in my brain. The reason why I didn't have a complete meltdown was because I'm getting numb. Last year when I went to HMB, I completely broke down. I couldn't stop crying and wailing. Yes. Wailing. It might be because it was the first year I was home so the weight of her absence was more felt... but in any case, I sobbed my eyes out.

This time, I likened it to that I must be getting better ... I must be in the last "stage of grief" as put forth by Kubler-Ross, acceptance. But when thinking about it at small group, I'm not accepting of her death still. I still sometimes feel partially responsible. I still feel like it's completely unfair and if she had just waited until her boyfriend picked her up for lunch she'd still be here. What if, what if, what if....

Back to being numb. I think I'm really stressed out about applying to schools and jobs (for jobs I've applied to way too many, and I'm a little ashamed that I've applied to so many and have gotten rejected or just never heard back from them) and I've been consumed with those things. This past weekend, I made sure I was kept busy so I didn't really have time to think about truly how I felt and how I was dealing with the loss. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe that's just me stifling down more of my emotions. Hm.

Anywho. That was a depressing post. As were the past couple. Things will get better, I promise.

just some inner thoughts

Today is my ex's birthday. It's also his golden birthday. So many thoughts have run through my head. Does he know? Is he being treated well? .... Does he think about me? The last one is probably a no. The more I think about our time together and how it ended, I become more aware of the fact that I was in way too deep for my own good. He could not have cared less about me. That was a weird sentence. What I mean is, I could have disappeared from his life a lot sooner and he wouldn't have even noticed. He was/is a master game player.

Despite that, I don't hate him. I know it seems like I do, but I don't. He probably at first thought, "Wow an American girl likes me. Great!" And then it became horrendously real for him. His birthday present for me was supposed to be a weekend away so that he could show me his family namesake's castle in the West. It never happened. Not going to lie, I feel slightly cheated but really... why should I even feel that way? I have no right. Yes my feelings were real, but they were not reciprocated. I should have known. I felt it a month in advance and tried to break up with him first to avoid the pain, but I was convinced not to. Shame on me for believing the lies. This doesn't fall on him, it falls on me.

The craziness that ensued post-breakup also falls on me. I am more mature than that. I should have harnessed my anger and pain. I had done it before, why did I react that way? Unfortunately, time travel is still not possible and I cannot undo what I have done. All I can do is be thankful that God is a forgiving God and still loves me, even though I pulled some incredibly stupid things.

So, how do I feel at the end of the day? Not too great. But honestly? And call me a total goober but I keep thinking of the line from Love Actually when the guy leaves Keira Knightley after showing her the placards confessing his love and as he walks away he says, "Enough. Enough now" because that's how I feel. I'm putting a stop to these feelings now. It's enough. No more torturing myself of how I could've been a better girlfriend. No more wondering "what if." No more saving a place for him in my heart.

Enough. Enough now.

annoyance

another word vomit post but i've excessively exhaled in the library about 6 times in the last 20 minutes and have become that crazy woman. so i need to get it out or else i might scream.

i really hate (and i don't use that word often) editing cover letters and resumes. for some ridiculous, stupid reason i take the constructive criticism incredibly personally and i effing hate that about myself. every edit i see that i've gotten this voice in my head goes, "are you serious?! EFF ME. why? why was that idea bad? why are you 'ambivalent' about this? UGH GODDAMMIT"

it doesn't help that i got a scolding email sent with the edits. what a great way to get me to accept your edits humbly. NOT. i'm SO FREAKING frustrated right now that i just want to scream and yell at my computer as if it was someone but i can't. because i'm in the stupid library. wasting my life. i hate it.

Stream of conscious

When I had a xanga (back in the day), I used to do this thing called, "stream of conscious" posts. It seems immature but honestly, they help a lot. Unfiltered thinking can hurt but because I'm such a verbal processor and the fact that this is so public, sometimes helps me to stay in check and air my dirty laundry into the world where there are problems way worse than mine. Also, it's like my little pensieve... Like in Harry Potter. Although I wish I had a real one so my freaking memory wouldn't be so jumbled up all the time and when I try to recall things people stop asking me, "Were you that drunk?!" when in fact it was something in the middle of the day, therefore I would absolutely NOT be drunk. Duh.

Anyway. Here goes. My first stream of conscious post on blogger. Oh also there should be a disclaimer that these thoughts (more than likely negative) usually do not amount to anything and like the name suggests, it's mostly a fleeting thought. So don't read too much into it/them. If you have a question, just ask! (Yes that's my shameless asking for comments on my posts! But thanks K.O. who always does :) hehe) Oh and for the sake of quickness, I am not gramatically correct so to all of you "Ross" types out there, can it (about the grammar).
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i am worn out. worn out all around. when i begin to think about what things i need to do, i can't help but ask, "God could you just give me like 2 more hours?" but then i realize, even if that happened, i'd probably waste it anyway because i'd be dicking around on the interwebs. much like right now. i should be studying for physio but the task is so daunting that i find myself programming myself to fail. i do this to myself too much. if unnie were here she'd smack me and yell at me for short changing myself. people in my classes think i'm smart, but they have no idea that i'm pretty much retaking all these classes... so really, i'm kinda... dumb for the lack of a better word. i'm so the anti-MV student. except when it comes to holding ridiculously high expectations for myself. then of course when i don't fulfill them, i feel worthless and like a full on eejit. i actually kind of feel like that right now. it's reinforced by those who i thought were close to me but are proving to care less. but then i turn it around on me... do i care less about them? honestly? i don't think so. if anything the want/desire to show them how much more i care gets deeper. ugh there i go turning it to me again. i can never stay too long on caring for others because apparently, all i care about is myself. i've heard it said that as people age, they more and more look out for only themselves. maybe i'm a walking, talking example of this. i'm as selfish as they get. when was the last time i did something truly for the love of someone else? ... i guess not too long ago but then it comes to bite me in the butt because later i think, "hey i wonder if they even realized ...." i'm such a terrible person. i'm so "look at me, look at me" when i want to be so edifying to others. sometimes i really wonder why God would make a person like me. ugh. anyway, i'm so glad to be single right now. then i can deal with the uglies without anyone but myself (and sometimes people and of course God) seeing them. i wonder if that's why mcirish wanted to break up with me. ugh. i hate thinking about him. i hope his sister is well and has that child she so badly wanted to have. i duno. sometimes, i pray for a wipe out. or that this life that i think i'm living is the fake one, and that actually, i'm some beautiful, hilarious, intelligent, faithful prayer warrior woman who dreams so vividly about her sad alternate. it won't happen. this is the way it is. i wish this was one of those times where it was okay, but it's not. i think way too much about stupid things than i should.... i am worn out.
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See? Pretty negative and bad eh? That's a glimpse of what it's like in my mind BUT with less ADD (because I'm tired, it's a bit easier for me to focus on one thought stream than see the hundreds of others that are firing too. Seeing inside my ADD peak mind is way crazier... haha) It's also "late" right now and I really should be studying but I felt like I needed to clear my mind before I got really into it. So... awkward.... Some private thoughts of mine are now again, on the interwebs for the world (2 people) to see. Ah well. C'est la vie right?