Next step in treatment

Last week I chose to go see a psychologist at school and I was more upfront with her than I've been with probably any other mental health professional I've ever seen (I've seen five). I talked with her for about an hour and she was really great. She's the first person to challenge my thoughts/actions with what happened a couple years ago. I thought it was interesting that she was so surprised and she actually apologized "on the behalf of her profession" that nobody had ever suggested medication to me. What's funny is that subject literally never came up with the five other mental health professionals I've seen.

Which brings me to the subject today. On Saturday, I began my first ever medication treatment of my depression. I was nervous but excited really because the psychologist at school said one of the reasons why I should have been asked about how I feel about medication is because my depression comes back so often... at least once a year. And it's not just the "the election sucked so now I'm depressed" or "ugh I failed my exams so now I'm depressed" or "someone ate the last donut!!!! I'm so depressed!!!" ... the deep, dark, feeling like dying is the only true, full release from the monster of depression.

I don't really have active thoughts of planning suicide anymore since I've seen what it does to the people left behind, but I get what are apparently called "passive thoughts of suicide." What are those? I'm about to cross the street and I think, "I wonder what it would be like if I let a car hit me?" Or "What would it feel like if I drove my car off this bridge?" Or "Maybe I should have let that car hit my car so I could just stop."

In any case, it's only day 3 of treatment and the pills take 2-4 weeks to take effect. I know I shouldn't be too excited or have high expectations, but I do. I just want my brain to change and stop hurting me.

So many emotions

Last Tuesday, the country where I was born and am a citizen of elected a new president.

Since then, I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. It is no secret on this site that I battle with depression and if that wasn't bad enough this happened.

It is also no secret that I am a woman and a person of color. I have a learning disability. I am an LGBTQI ally. So you probably can guess what I'm about to say next.

I did not vote for Donald Trump. Yes, I am a registered Democrat, but this was about so much more than party. I have seen this argument that people didn't vote for Trump the Man, rather Trump and the Party but I cannot help but wonder, how did people separate the two? I feel like a person's actions are, in large part, a show of their thoughts.... This man, Donald Trump, has repeatedly talked about sexually assaulting women and basically saying that it's okay, preyed on fear and therefore made the racism already in this country far worse, and flung open the gates of hatred. 

Every time I feel like I'm ready to calmly discuss this country's politics, I hear of yet another story of how minorities are being hated on. 

I get angry. I get sad. I get upset. I get nervous. I get enraged. I get scared. It has been a non-stop cycle of negative emotions. 

Trump supporters are calling on us Hillary supporters to "calm down" and "reach across the aisle." My question to them is, "Would you do the same if Hillary won?" I mean if the tables were turned, wouldn't they be angry/hurt? The difference is our feelings do not stop at anger and hurt; they go on to fear, nervousness, anxiety. Why? I said it above, Trump has opened the gates and by proxy (probably not the correct use) okayed hatred and acts of hatred. 

I have been called racial slurs, cat called, and made to feel unsafe. I know what that feels like. I luckily live in an incredibly liberal city but there is still that little voice that says, "Watch out." I am not as safe as I thought I was. 

I leave with this last thing:

One of the most interesting and valuable lessons so far this year in school is when we put headphones in that simulated having auditory hallucinations (like many people who have schizophrenia do) and then we walked around school to try to do a sort of scavenger hunt (ask people directions to places, find certain classrooms, etc.)

I feel like people who have never had the experience of being discriminated against because of the way they look, their socioeconomic status, their sexual orientation, or their abilities need to go through a similar simulation. Then maybe they will see why/how half this nation (myself included) is in mourning. Then maybe their minds will open and we can have a better discussion about how to love on each other and make the system better and more equitable. Then maybe they will begin to understand the terror people feel inside because we don't know who in our neighborhood feels empowered by what happened on Tuesday.

Just maybe.

A must read

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/04/opinion/dalai-lama-behind-our-anxiety-the-fear-of-being-unneeded.html?_r=0

A great article.. I would go even further to say, that as a person who struggles with depression, the need to be needed not being fulfilled, can eventually lead to depression as well. Or at least the feeling that you're not needed are you're failing at being needed.

What they don't know

Today I opened up to some friends about how terrible this past week was. What they don't know and what I left out was that I not only feel isolated by my cohort but also by them.

Strong reminder

Strong reminder from God this morning when I read the verse of the day...

"An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy." Proverbs 27: 5-6. I have to try to convince myself that I probably wasn't wounded on purpose and that the person is a friend... not my enemy. And also... kisses from an enemy? Basically acid right? No one wants acid on their skin....

October is always hard for me

This month is conflicting for me... I love Halloween and autumn, but this is the month where I begin to relive one of the hardest times of my life.

I'm reminded that it's awesome that my school starts with mental health as a subject because goodness knows, I haven't been 100% mentally healthy for a very long time. As I'm reviewing for my test coming up (and yes I am sabotaging myself a bit right now), I came across my professor's slide of Gestalt Therapy and the Gestalt Prayer. As I reflect on what happened seven years ago and how much it hurt to lose a friend physically and how I'm losing a friend right now... I need to remember this "Gestalt Prayer"

I do my thing and you do your thing.

I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.

First week done!

So my first week of school is done with and I have to say that my stress level is ... still the same but feels different. I know that sounds weird but basically before school started, it felt like this gigantic question mark that loomed over me and threatening my sanity.

Now that question mark is much smaller but ... I still have some stress and anxiety. Yes all my teachers/lecturers/professors have reiterated over and over that each student is there not by chance but because they were exclusively chosen by the faculty... and because they know we can succeed in these programs. It's fantastic to hear but my old nagging, self-destructive voice is still there saying, "Are you sure? You're pretty old now. You don't remember stuff like you used to. The rest of the cohort is smarter, younger and faster. Remember how poorly you did in school?"

That voice is something I know I have to fight hard and with the help and prayers of my aptly named "Thunder Buddies" (a term I'm taking from my dear friend Adam from sadrunner.com) ... I think I can do it.

So far, even the fiancé has been great. He's been great at making sure I'm doing all my reading and school work. But even still, there's that negative voice again that says, "yes but you're not paying him enough attention and he will resent you..." 

Ugh the negative voice sucks. I should name it something horrible... like Voldemort. And then defeat it! Hmmm this has proved to be a good session of writing. 

Onward and upward!!!!