Today I'm at home sick because my stomach has been uber weird. I feel better today but to play it safe (also because I really really did not want to go to work today.. that's another blog post in and of itself) I stayed home again today.
Basically all morning, I've been kind of sad and been thinking a lot about my friend who passed away 4 years ago. I have amazing friends though and God really is so good because out of no where my friend who I thought was done being friends with me last year texted me saying, "Reminder of the day: You are an amazing friend." At a time when I feel like I have no friends because I'm such a bad one, to get that text just really made my day. Well one of my best friends KO dropped by the other day and it totally made me cry because I felt so unbelievably loved by her. She lives NO WHERE NEAR me.... and she happened to be in the area and decided to surprise me! I love surprises... especially from people that I love.
So anyway, I've been feeling super down and very unlovable because I basically told this guy that I really liked him and his response was basically that he was still in love with his ex-fiancee.... if that isn't a big fat no then I don't know what is.
BUT ANYWHO. Onto my (house mate's) awesome dog!
Charlie Brown aka Charles Barkely aka Chuck
Yesterday, my house mate told me that sometimes, when he's home and I'm not, the dog, Charlie Brown (he's a chocolate lab) will lay down by my door.... Call me ridiculous but I got a little teary. I always thought that he didn't really care about me because he's got a great owner and the owner's S.O. also has been getting lots of love. But he actually does miss me when I'm not at home! Can dogs get any better than that? I don't think so. And then just now, I decided it was time to play some music on the keyboard and maybe try to sing a little (only sad songs of course) and he came over and put his head on my lap... ON MY LAP. As if he knew that I'm not feeling great.
It's official. I love Charlie Brown aka Charles Barkley the dog. He is my favorite dog ever. EVER. He may be a little dumb and a lot stinky, but man, is he lovable.
Four years ago today, I did my first half marathon (without really training for it) and didn't tell anyone. Therefore, no one at church knew why I wasn't at church. I got a text from one of my really good friends telling me that she missed me that day and was sad that she didn't see me. Little did I know that it was the beginning of the end.
This year I am amazed at how true it is that time is the only thing that can heal wounds. I'm not saying that this wound is completely healed, but it's getting there. It's finally getting there.
When she texted me that she had missed me, I did think it a bit odd. She had a lot of other friends so for her to notice me not there was interesting. I told her that I would definitely be there the next week. She wasn't but instead we went to hang out in the middle of the week. We watched Zombieland in theaters and there I had the most memorable conversation in my whole life. I remember every word. Every look (even though we were in the movie theater). How I felt. How carefully I chose each word. I remember this conversation more than I remember the last in person conversation we ever had. She asked me how it felt or why I chose to try to commit suicide twice. And I told her. Then I told her that it wasn't worth it. That I saw how much I would have missed out on but also how much my friends and family would have missed me. I told her that while yes, I believe a person who commits suicide goes to heaven, it isn't necessarily the way to go. I didn't press her for more information although not a day goes by where I wish I had. I thought I was being respectful to her wishes.
The next conversation we had was when we went to lunch, just the two of us after church. She said things were getting better and I believed her. It was her birthday week. I remember smiling more than the last conversation we had.
Two days later it was her birthday. I texted her that I hoped she was having a great day with her boyfriend that flew down and that I loved her. I thank God every day that I told her one last time that I loved her.
Because the next morning she hung herself. And that evening I got the worst call of my whole life telling me what had happened.
Today is hard. Unfortunately, the next few weeks will be even harder.
The past few nights I spent at my parents' house. And as the title suggests, I had some weird dreams. These two I remember with more detail than any other.
The first one was a few nights ago so I don't remember too much but I was running from someone or chasing someone. What I do remember was that it was very stressful and there was a lot of pressure weighing on me to get away from or catch this person. Weird that I cannot, for the life of me remember which it is. All I remember is the immense amount of pressure. I didn't feel like I, or any other person was going to die, just a lot was riding on the outcome of this pursuit.
The other was either last night or the night before (whenever I say that I always think "24 robbers came a-knockin' at my door). And basically, again there was some kind of immense pressure ... but I was at a beach of some kind. It was a very popular beach and I was there with some friends but then I met up some other people that I knew as well. I was this awesome surfer (of course this is my dream) that was catching some waves at one end of the beach, and then walked over to the other side where I met more people. Some how, I got wind that there was going to be this gigantic wave but not in a good way. To the point where it would wash people away. And for some reason, no one knew but me and also no one believed me. So I had to race back over to warn every one but by that time the waves had started getting bigger and bigger and washing up on the shore farther and farther up. People just thought it was the tide but something was wrong. So I kept telling people to get off the beach but instead of evacuating, they just laughed and kept going further up. And then I couldn't find my own stuff, like my board, phone, clothes.... It was weird. The next thing I remember is that I'm looking literally into a wave and I see a whale and a shark. It's like a wall of water. If you've seen Evan Almighty it's like that scene when the wave comes up to wash over the ark.
Anyway, it's safe to say that my dreams were about pressure. And no wonder. I take the MCAT for the third and final time this week. After this, it's over. I call it quits on my dreams of being a physician. Le sigh. no pressure right? bleh
So about a month ago, I downloaded this app on my smartphone called Tinder. For the gay community out there, it's like Grinder, for straight folks. Well, you can look for a gay relationship on it too but yeah. Honestly it is SO MUCH FUN. It's very satisfying. You get to know right away if a guy has "hearted" you, and it's uber quick. It connects you according to where you are and how far away you want your connection to be, your interests on Facebook, and the photos you choose from your Facebook. Fast. Convenient. Easy.
ANYWHO.
So to be completely honest, I connected with two guys from it. One is an engineer, I'll call him Tony and the other is a DJ/Digital media designer and I'll call him Caleb. Both are taller than me, have blue eyes and are white. That's pretty much where the similarities end.
Caleb is nice enough, makes me laugh, and communicates with me every day. He texts me when he wakes up, throughout the day, and then before he goes to sleep. It's super nice knowing that someone really wants to talk to me like that! However, he's kind of a jerkface. He's already gotten annoyed/angry with me twice (about being late/not communicating well) and then kind of text-yelled at me today because I joked around about what my doctor appointment was about and he didn't think it was funny. But I'm hesitant to break it off because he does make me laugh and we do have a good time together...
Tony and I have the same taste in music and we bonded over that. He's super nice and is really good at making plan when he wants to make plans.. but therein lies the issue. He's not that responsive when I want him to be. Haha. He's super nice and attentive when we're physically together, but when we're not, it's like I don't exist. Well, I'm being pretty dramatic about that but I'm Korean so it's in my blood.... So it's probably not like I don't exist but rather that I'm just not a priority. There's the other issue...
So maybe a while ago I realized that I actually do want to be in a serious relationship. Okay not like marriage but more than just dating casually. I'm still fine being single but something a few months ago spurred me to say "Hm, I guess it'd be kind of nice to share ______ with someone. And have someone care about me in a different way than everyone else does." It might have been when I was sort of seeing this other guy and he was totally playing with my emotions. So basically, I want to be a priority in someone's life too... And for Tony it seems like he's pretty okay with me as priority 3 or below. I duno.
Anywho. I like Tony better (I'm sure that's obvious) but I do like Caleb to a certain extent.
Oh hello... I haven't blogged in forever. BUT I wanted/needed to blog about something a pastor said yesterday. He pastors my home church but since moving I haven't found (honestly even started to look for) a new one in my new city. It's just so taxing to find a new community. Anyway.
So Pastor Lee just got back from short-term missions and his sabbatical in Cambodia and Korea (respectively). He said something that I haven't thought about in a long time. He said that people usually tell him that when they're doing short-term missions they're filled with this feeling that they can't describe. And he said it's joy. Rather than happiness. Because after they leave that place, it stays with them and permeates their respective lives.
I can totally testify to that. Additionally, I realized that's what has been missing from my life for a long time. And as he was talking, I remembered how great I felt during the number of times I've done short-term missions. The first time I went in grade 7 to Mexico opened the door to my love of Latin culture and wanting to learn Spanish til the last time in 2009 in Cambodia. As I got older, I was given more responsibilities not just in terms of leadership, but with caring for people and spiritually. It stretched me but in the best way possible. And the joy lasted for so long...
After being disconnected from a church body for about six months the difference between happiness and joy have become very apparent to me. I experience way more mood swings and it's because I don't have that amazing underlying joy but rather fleeting happiness. I can give love to others but because of the lack of love that I have for myself (and therefore not feeling the grace that I know have and receive daily) I am unhappy and not filled with joy.
I can't explain the difference really. Just that joy doesn't really depend on feelings; rather, it is a lasting, peaceful, content feeling. Words don't really do it justice. You can have joy but experience "negative feelings" as well. I remember the first time I realized that I had joy while actually experiencing it (rather than just looking back and realizing that I had joy). In that moment, I was also happy... Joy + Happiness = Absolutely amazing.
On Saturday, one of my childhood friends got married. I had the honor of being in her bridal party. Unfortunately it's one of those things that I felt honored but it also made me very sad.
No no. Not in that way... the "pity me I'm still single" way. In the way that.... well. My friend who got married, our friend who passed away a few years ago, and I were incredibly close for many years. And seeing her happy and getting married makes me so happy for her, do not doubt that for one second... but I can't help but think that in my place it should be our friend. She would've been the more obvious choice.
As I watched her get ready for her wedding so many thoughts ran through my head: how happy I was for her, how proud I was of her for being able to evolve and incorporate another so well into her life, how sad I was that our friend was not physically there to show her how happy she was for her... I only got a little teary twice. Once when we got her dress on her finally and all the bridesmaids took a step back and looked at how amazing she looked. And then the other time was when each bridesmaid took their solo photo with her. I went last and as I walked up we looked at each other and we had this interesting silent conversation with our eyes and we both got choked up. I think we both were thinking about our friend and how it would have so much more complete with her there.
I was talking to my friend KO after the wedding and basically processing everything that happened... I made her pick me up from the reception because I felt SO awkward (of course after all the bridesmaids' duties were over) because literally the only people I knew there were my parents and the bride. I was processing with KO and I realized this: I was the sole representative of her past. But what's more, is that I wasn't there just as myself and her past, but I was there as myself and our friend that is gone. I was playing two roles the whole time and had finally just realized it after the whole night was over. It didn't feel bad. Honestly, it felt a tad bit more right. It wasn't complete without the third Christine there.. but (and maybe I'm giving myself too much credit) with me being there, it felt much more complete.
Anyway, I think that was the toughest wedding to be at (let alone be a part of) and I am just so happy that my friend was sent off well.
Once an Aggie, always an Aggie. Yes other colleges/universities may have the Aggie as their mascot as well (and they may be that much better at ICA sports than us but whatever!) .. but Davis students OWN it. Yes for a bit when you first get to Davis you have no idea what an Aggie is or what it stands for but as your years go by you learn to love it. And Gunrock. Which is the name of our mascot. And yeah a lot of Davis students may go through their whole career not knowing that but you know what? Doesn't matter.. Because honestly, most UC Davis students I meet, absolutely loved their time at Davis.
Maybe I was in a weird bubble of a cappella nerds/dorks and RAs but honestly... I've met people who were not in those circles but truly cherished their time there. I might even venture as far to say, Davis has a certain charm about it that you just cannot deny. While I haven't been back to campus since I graduated, every year that goes by that I don't go back to visit makes me kick myself.
What spurred this ridiculous entry to express my love of Davis? Well a good friend of mine just got engaged to a really cool girl and I went up to Elk Grove for the engagement party and I got to drive by campus twice. I wanted to stop but I had things to do... I know I know ... woulda coudla shoulda.
But as I drove by, a huge smile broke across my face and this feeling of happiness and good nostalgia just took over. Gone was my annoyance that everyone in Yolo County drives like 10 below the speed limit and in its place was was good goood gooooooood vibrations! Haha sorry had to finish that song out. But really. Yes there was some drama at Davis, to the point where I lost a few friends but it made me into a better person (and yes that is competely cliche but I don't care... I'm writing a nostalgic post about undergrad for goodness sakes... I'm going to be cliche). And since then I've basically reconnected with those friends so really no harm done.
My first kiss was as an undergrad. The first time I sang by myself in front of strangers was at Davis. My first real long-term job was at Davis. The first guy to ever ask me for my number was at Davis (which was actually under super creepy circumstances but still). My first singing performance was at Davis. The first time I ever felt like people didn't judge me for not being book smart was at Davis. I found out I have ADD at Davis. My first celebrity encounter was at Davis! Davey Havok grabbed the mic and sang with my really good friend who happened to be standing right next to me and we smiled at each other. Mehehe.
I learned so much about myself at Davis. How to keep in touch with friends were hundreds of miles away. How to be a stronger person. How to stand up for myself. How to let people go.
Anyway. Any high school student that tells me, "I don't want to go to Davis.. there's nothing to do" I look them square in the eye and say, "If you go to ANY school with that attitude, you won't find anything to do anywhere." Yes Davis is your textbook college town but that means there are things to do any where and every where! You just have to look. I bet even if you went to UCLA with a sour puss attitude you wouldn't find much to do. Okay you might but it'd have to punch you in the face. Any college experience is what you make of it. And mine was awesome.
