The past few nights I spent at my parents' house. And as the title suggests, I had some weird dreams. These two I remember with more detail than any other.
The first one was a few nights ago so I don't remember too much but I was running from someone or chasing someone. What I do remember was that it was very stressful and there was a lot of pressure weighing on me to get away from or catch this person. Weird that I cannot, for the life of me remember which it is. All I remember is the immense amount of pressure. I didn't feel like I, or any other person was going to die, just a lot was riding on the outcome of this pursuit.
The other was either last night or the night before (whenever I say that I always think "24 robbers came a-knockin' at my door). And basically, again there was some kind of immense pressure ... but I was at a beach of some kind. It was a very popular beach and I was there with some friends but then I met up some other people that I knew as well. I was this awesome surfer (of course this is my dream) that was catching some waves at one end of the beach, and then walked over to the other side where I met more people. Some how, I got wind that there was going to be this gigantic wave but not in a good way. To the point where it would wash people away. And for some reason, no one knew but me and also no one believed me. So I had to race back over to warn every one but by that time the waves had started getting bigger and bigger and washing up on the shore farther and farther up. People just thought it was the tide but something was wrong. So I kept telling people to get off the beach but instead of evacuating, they just laughed and kept going further up. And then I couldn't find my own stuff, like my board, phone, clothes.... It was weird. The next thing I remember is that I'm looking literally into a wave and I see a whale and a shark. It's like a wall of water. If you've seen Evan Almighty it's like that scene when the wave comes up to wash over the ark.
Anyway, it's safe to say that my dreams were about pressure. And no wonder. I take the MCAT for the third and final time this week. After this, it's over. I call it quits on my dreams of being a physician. Le sigh. no pressure right? bleh
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
More dating drama.. Meh
First and foremost, this song:
So about a month ago, I downloaded this app on my smartphone called Tinder. For the gay community out there, it's like Grinder, for straight folks. Well, you can look for a gay relationship on it too but yeah. Honestly it is SO MUCH FUN. It's very satisfying. You get to know right away if a guy has "hearted" you, and it's uber quick. It connects you according to where you are and how far away you want your connection to be, your interests on Facebook, and the photos you choose from your Facebook. Fast. Convenient. Easy.
ANYWHO.
So to be completely honest, I connected with two guys from it. One is an engineer, I'll call him Tony and the other is a DJ/Digital media designer and I'll call him Caleb. Both are taller than me, have blue eyes and are white. That's pretty much where the similarities end.
Caleb is nice enough, makes me laugh, and communicates with me every day. He texts me when he wakes up, throughout the day, and then before he goes to sleep. It's super nice knowing that someone really wants to talk to me like that! However, he's kind of a jerkface. He's already gotten annoyed/angry with me twice (about being late/not communicating well) and then kind of text-yelled at me today because I joked around about what my doctor appointment was about and he didn't think it was funny. But I'm hesitant to break it off because he does make me laugh and we do have a good time together...
Tony and I have the same taste in music and we bonded over that. He's super nice and is really good at making plan when he wants to make plans.. but therein lies the issue. He's not that responsive when I want him to be. Haha. He's super nice and attentive when we're physically together, but when we're not, it's like I don't exist. Well, I'm being pretty dramatic about that but I'm Korean so it's in my blood.... So it's probably not like I don't exist but rather that I'm just not a priority. There's the other issue...
So maybe a while ago I realized that I actually do want to be in a serious relationship. Okay not like marriage but more than just dating casually. I'm still fine being single but something a few months ago spurred me to say "Hm, I guess it'd be kind of nice to share ______ with someone. And have someone care about me in a different way than everyone else does." It might have been when I was sort of seeing this other guy and he was totally playing with my emotions. So basically, I want to be a priority in someone's life too... And for Tony it seems like he's pretty okay with me as priority 3 or below. I duno.
Anywho. I like Tony better (I'm sure that's obvious) but I do like Caleb to a certain extent.
In the end, Love STINKS.
ANYWHO.
So to be completely honest, I connected with two guys from it. One is an engineer, I'll call him Tony and the other is a DJ/Digital media designer and I'll call him Caleb. Both are taller than me, have blue eyes and are white. That's pretty much where the similarities end.
Caleb is nice enough, makes me laugh, and communicates with me every day. He texts me when he wakes up, throughout the day, and then before he goes to sleep. It's super nice knowing that someone really wants to talk to me like that! However, he's kind of a jerkface. He's already gotten annoyed/angry with me twice (about being late/not communicating well) and then kind of text-yelled at me today because I joked around about what my doctor appointment was about and he didn't think it was funny. But I'm hesitant to break it off because he does make me laugh and we do have a good time together...
Tony and I have the same taste in music and we bonded over that. He's super nice and is really good at making plan when he wants to make plans.. but therein lies the issue. He's not that responsive when I want him to be. Haha. He's super nice and attentive when we're physically together, but when we're not, it's like I don't exist. Well, I'm being pretty dramatic about that but I'm Korean so it's in my blood.... So it's probably not like I don't exist but rather that I'm just not a priority. There's the other issue...
So maybe a while ago I realized that I actually do want to be in a serious relationship. Okay not like marriage but more than just dating casually. I'm still fine being single but something a few months ago spurred me to say "Hm, I guess it'd be kind of nice to share ______ with someone. And have someone care about me in a different way than everyone else does." It might have been when I was sort of seeing this other guy and he was totally playing with my emotions. So basically, I want to be a priority in someone's life too... And for Tony it seems like he's pretty okay with me as priority 3 or below. I duno.
Anywho. I like Tony better (I'm sure that's obvious) but I do like Caleb to a certain extent.
In the end, Love STINKS.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Joy vs happiness
Oh hello... I haven't blogged in forever. BUT I wanted/needed to blog about something a pastor said yesterday. He pastors my home church but since moving I haven't found (honestly even started to look for) a new one in my new city. It's just so taxing to find a new community. Anyway.
So Pastor Lee just got back from short-term missions and his sabbatical in Cambodia and Korea (respectively). He said something that I haven't thought about in a long time. He said that people usually tell him that when they're doing short-term missions they're filled with this feeling that they can't describe. And he said it's joy. Rather than happiness. Because after they leave that place, it stays with them and permeates their respective lives.
I can totally testify to that. Additionally, I realized that's what has been missing from my life for a long time. And as he was talking, I remembered how great I felt during the number of times I've done short-term missions. The first time I went in grade 7 to Mexico opened the door to my love of Latin culture and wanting to learn Spanish til the last time in 2009 in Cambodia. As I got older, I was given more responsibilities not just in terms of leadership, but with caring for people and spiritually. It stretched me but in the best way possible. And the joy lasted for so long...
After being disconnected from a church body for about six months the difference between happiness and joy have become very apparent to me. I experience way more mood swings and it's because I don't have that amazing underlying joy but rather fleeting happiness. I can give love to others but because of the lack of love that I have for myself (and therefore not feeling the grace that I know have and receive daily) I am unhappy and not filled with joy.
I can't explain the difference really. Just that joy doesn't really depend on feelings; rather, it is a lasting, peaceful, content feeling. Words don't really do it justice. You can have joy but experience "negative feelings" as well. I remember the first time I realized that I had joy while actually experiencing it (rather than just looking back and realizing that I had joy). In that moment, I was also happy... Joy + Happiness = Absolutely amazing.
So Pastor Lee just got back from short-term missions and his sabbatical in Cambodia and Korea (respectively). He said something that I haven't thought about in a long time. He said that people usually tell him that when they're doing short-term missions they're filled with this feeling that they can't describe. And he said it's joy. Rather than happiness. Because after they leave that place, it stays with them and permeates their respective lives.
I can totally testify to that. Additionally, I realized that's what has been missing from my life for a long time. And as he was talking, I remembered how great I felt during the number of times I've done short-term missions. The first time I went in grade 7 to Mexico opened the door to my love of Latin culture and wanting to learn Spanish til the last time in 2009 in Cambodia. As I got older, I was given more responsibilities not just in terms of leadership, but with caring for people and spiritually. It stretched me but in the best way possible. And the joy lasted for so long...
After being disconnected from a church body for about six months the difference between happiness and joy have become very apparent to me. I experience way more mood swings and it's because I don't have that amazing underlying joy but rather fleeting happiness. I can give love to others but because of the lack of love that I have for myself (and therefore not feeling the grace that I know have and receive daily) I am unhappy and not filled with joy.
I can't explain the difference really. Just that joy doesn't really depend on feelings; rather, it is a lasting, peaceful, content feeling. Words don't really do it justice. You can have joy but experience "negative feelings" as well. I remember the first time I realized that I had joy while actually experiencing it (rather than just looking back and realizing that I had joy). In that moment, I was also happy... Joy + Happiness = Absolutely amazing.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Another friend married
On Saturday, one of my childhood friends got married. I had the honor of being in her bridal party. Unfortunately it's one of those things that I felt honored but it also made me very sad.
No no. Not in that way... the "pity me I'm still single" way. In the way that.... well. My friend who got married, our friend who passed away a few years ago, and I were incredibly close for many years. And seeing her happy and getting married makes me so happy for her, do not doubt that for one second... but I can't help but think that in my place it should be our friend. She would've been the more obvious choice.
As I watched her get ready for her wedding so many thoughts ran through my head: how happy I was for her, how proud I was of her for being able to evolve and incorporate another so well into her life, how sad I was that our friend was not physically there to show her how happy she was for her... I only got a little teary twice. Once when we got her dress on her finally and all the bridesmaids took a step back and looked at how amazing she looked. And then the other time was when each bridesmaid took their solo photo with her. I went last and as I walked up we looked at each other and we had this interesting silent conversation with our eyes and we both got choked up. I think we both were thinking about our friend and how it would have so much more complete with her there.
I was talking to my friend KO after the wedding and basically processing everything that happened... I made her pick me up from the reception because I felt SO awkward (of course after all the bridesmaids' duties were over) because literally the only people I knew there were my parents and the bride. I was processing with KO and I realized this: I was the sole representative of her past. But what's more, is that I wasn't there just as myself and her past, but I was there as myself and our friend that is gone. I was playing two roles the whole time and had finally just realized it after the whole night was over. It didn't feel bad. Honestly, it felt a tad bit more right. It wasn't complete without the third Christine there.. but (and maybe I'm giving myself too much credit) with me being there, it felt much more complete.
Anyway, I think that was the toughest wedding to be at (let alone be a part of) and I am just so happy that my friend was sent off well.
No no. Not in that way... the "pity me I'm still single" way. In the way that.... well. My friend who got married, our friend who passed away a few years ago, and I were incredibly close for many years. And seeing her happy and getting married makes me so happy for her, do not doubt that for one second... but I can't help but think that in my place it should be our friend. She would've been the more obvious choice.
As I watched her get ready for her wedding so many thoughts ran through my head: how happy I was for her, how proud I was of her for being able to evolve and incorporate another so well into her life, how sad I was that our friend was not physically there to show her how happy she was for her... I only got a little teary twice. Once when we got her dress on her finally and all the bridesmaids took a step back and looked at how amazing she looked. And then the other time was when each bridesmaid took their solo photo with her. I went last and as I walked up we looked at each other and we had this interesting silent conversation with our eyes and we both got choked up. I think we both were thinking about our friend and how it would have so much more complete with her there.
I was talking to my friend KO after the wedding and basically processing everything that happened... I made her pick me up from the reception because I felt SO awkward (of course after all the bridesmaids' duties were over) because literally the only people I knew there were my parents and the bride. I was processing with KO and I realized this: I was the sole representative of her past. But what's more, is that I wasn't there just as myself and her past, but I was there as myself and our friend that is gone. I was playing two roles the whole time and had finally just realized it after the whole night was over. It didn't feel bad. Honestly, it felt a tad bit more right. It wasn't complete without the third Christine there.. but (and maybe I'm giving myself too much credit) with me being there, it felt much more complete.
Anyway, I think that was the toughest wedding to be at (let alone be a part of) and I am just so happy that my friend was sent off well.
Monday, May 27, 2013
My Ode to UC Davis.
Once an Aggie, always an Aggie. Yes other colleges/universities may have the Aggie as their mascot as well (and they may be that much better at ICA sports than us but whatever!) .. but Davis students OWN it. Yes for a bit when you first get to Davis you have no idea what an Aggie is or what it stands for but as your years go by you learn to love it. And Gunrock. Which is the name of our mascot. And yeah a lot of Davis students may go through their whole career not knowing that but you know what? Doesn't matter.. Because honestly, most UC Davis students I meet, absolutely loved their time at Davis.
Maybe I was in a weird bubble of a cappella nerds/dorks and RAs but honestly... I've met people who were not in those circles but truly cherished their time there. I might even venture as far to say, Davis has a certain charm about it that you just cannot deny. While I haven't been back to campus since I graduated, every year that goes by that I don't go back to visit makes me kick myself.
What spurred this ridiculous entry to express my love of Davis? Well a good friend of mine just got engaged to a really cool girl and I went up to Elk Grove for the engagement party and I got to drive by campus twice. I wanted to stop but I had things to do... I know I know ... woulda coudla shoulda.
But as I drove by, a huge smile broke across my face and this feeling of happiness and good nostalgia just took over. Gone was my annoyance that everyone in Yolo County drives like 10 below the speed limit and in its place was was good goood gooooooood vibrations! Haha sorry had to finish that song out. But really. Yes there was some drama at Davis, to the point where I lost a few friends but it made me into a better person (and yes that is competely cliche but I don't care... I'm writing a nostalgic post about undergrad for goodness sakes... I'm going to be cliche). And since then I've basically reconnected with those friends so really no harm done.
My first kiss was as an undergrad. The first time I sang by myself in front of strangers was at Davis. My first real long-term job was at Davis. The first guy to ever ask me for my number was at Davis (which was actually under super creepy circumstances but still). My first singing performance was at Davis. The first time I ever felt like people didn't judge me for not being book smart was at Davis. I found out I have ADD at Davis. My first celebrity encounter was at Davis! Davey Havok grabbed the mic and sang with my really good friend who happened to be standing right next to me and we smiled at each other. Mehehe.
I learned so much about myself at Davis. How to keep in touch with friends were hundreds of miles away. How to be a stronger person. How to stand up for myself. How to let people go.
Anyway. Any high school student that tells me, "I don't want to go to Davis.. there's nothing to do" I look them square in the eye and say, "If you go to ANY school with that attitude, you won't find anything to do anywhere." Yes Davis is your textbook college town but that means there are things to do any where and every where! You just have to look. I bet even if you went to UCLA with a sour puss attitude you wouldn't find much to do. Okay you might but it'd have to punch you in the face. Any college experience is what you make of it. And mine was awesome.
Maybe I was in a weird bubble of a cappella nerds/dorks and RAs but honestly... I've met people who were not in those circles but truly cherished their time there. I might even venture as far to say, Davis has a certain charm about it that you just cannot deny. While I haven't been back to campus since I graduated, every year that goes by that I don't go back to visit makes me kick myself.
What spurred this ridiculous entry to express my love of Davis? Well a good friend of mine just got engaged to a really cool girl and I went up to Elk Grove for the engagement party and I got to drive by campus twice. I wanted to stop but I had things to do... I know I know ... woulda coudla shoulda.
But as I drove by, a huge smile broke across my face and this feeling of happiness and good nostalgia just took over. Gone was my annoyance that everyone in Yolo County drives like 10 below the speed limit and in its place was was good goood gooooooood vibrations! Haha sorry had to finish that song out. But really. Yes there was some drama at Davis, to the point where I lost a few friends but it made me into a better person (and yes that is competely cliche but I don't care... I'm writing a nostalgic post about undergrad for goodness sakes... I'm going to be cliche). And since then I've basically reconnected with those friends so really no harm done.
My first kiss was as an undergrad. The first time I sang by myself in front of strangers was at Davis. My first real long-term job was at Davis. The first guy to ever ask me for my number was at Davis (which was actually under super creepy circumstances but still). My first singing performance was at Davis. The first time I ever felt like people didn't judge me for not being book smart was at Davis. I found out I have ADD at Davis. My first celebrity encounter was at Davis! Davey Havok grabbed the mic and sang with my really good friend who happened to be standing right next to me and we smiled at each other. Mehehe.
I learned so much about myself at Davis. How to keep in touch with friends were hundreds of miles away. How to be a stronger person. How to stand up for myself. How to let people go.
Anyway. Any high school student that tells me, "I don't want to go to Davis.. there's nothing to do" I look them square in the eye and say, "If you go to ANY school with that attitude, you won't find anything to do anywhere." Yes Davis is your textbook college town but that means there are things to do any where and every where! You just have to look. I bet even if you went to UCLA with a sour puss attitude you wouldn't find much to do. Okay you might but it'd have to punch you in the face. Any college experience is what you make of it. And mine was awesome.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Sick to my stomach
Yesterday a doctor, Kermit Gosnell, (I'm not even going to go to the place where his name totally disgraces one of my childhood favorite beings, Kermit the Frog) was convicted of murdering three babies by cutting their spinal cords with scissors.
When I read the verdict and the testimonies of the witnesses, I was literally sick to my stomach. I read it on my break at work and I got teary. This was my first time ever truly feeling sick when reading an article. Don't get me wrong, I am completely pro-choice but this.... This was something else. The way the babies/fetuses were stored ("The remains of aborted fetuses were stored in water jugs, pet food containers and a freezer at the clinic" after to me shows that he knew he was doing something wrong. He was also convicted of involuntary manslaughter of this woman because he used too much anesthesia (which actually does happen but in his facility which was reported to be understaffed and also staffed with unqualified people, just makes the situation that much worse.)
His defense was that he was doing it for the good of low-income minority women. Honestly, I keep praying that this is true and somehow, at least one of one of these women will step forward... because I really can't stomach or process the fact that a person would have a baby be born and see it breathing... then cut the spinal cord. Why go that route?
If you can stomach sad things, here's an article about the trial:
http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/14/justice/pennsylvania-abortion-doctor-trial/index.html
and then an article about one of his patients:
http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/14/justice/pennsylvania-abortion-doctor-regrets/
When I read the verdict and the testimonies of the witnesses, I was literally sick to my stomach. I read it on my break at work and I got teary. This was my first time ever truly feeling sick when reading an article. Don't get me wrong, I am completely pro-choice but this.... This was something else. The way the babies/fetuses were stored ("The remains of aborted fetuses were stored in water jugs, pet food containers and a freezer at the clinic" after to me shows that he knew he was doing something wrong. He was also convicted of involuntary manslaughter of this woman because he used too much anesthesia (which actually does happen but in his facility which was reported to be understaffed and also staffed with unqualified people, just makes the situation that much worse.)
His defense was that he was doing it for the good of low-income minority women. Honestly, I keep praying that this is true and somehow, at least one of one of these women will step forward... because I really can't stomach or process the fact that a person would have a baby be born and see it breathing... then cut the spinal cord. Why go that route?
If you can stomach sad things, here's an article about the trial:
http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/14/justice/pennsylvania-abortion-doctor-trial/index.html
and then an article about one of his patients:
http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/14/justice/pennsylvania-abortion-doctor-regrets/
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Dating... again. MEH again.
So I was/am kind of dating this guy and the other day KO asked my friend M and I, with all of our dating adventures... is there anything that is a "have to have." I had to think. And this guy... made me realize that one of the things that I "have to have" is that the guy makes plans. I know that sounds weird but let me explain. A person that makes plans for another is carving out time in their schedule to think up something that they think that the person they're going to hang out with enjoys doing. Think about that. The person planning spends time thinking but also wants to spend more time with the other person and wants to make them happy. I guess another way to put it, is that they are selfless. That's going to one extreme though. I'm not saying that I want roses, a candlelit dinner, and a carriage ride. What I'm saying is that I want my partner to think of me and plan something special. Sacrifice. Because honestly... I would do the same for them. (Yes that's a bit of a humble brag)
Even for platonic relationships I think this applies. Look at the girl that I almost cut out. And maybe this is my vice or something to do with my birth order. But really I just want to be shown that I'm special enough to the other person that they want to spend their precious limited time with me. Not their lawn. Not their car. Not their bros. And I know that sounds disgustingly needy but I'm not saying ALL the time. But like once in a while. And also if the romantic relationship is just starting, I think it should be even more! Haha. I feel like you should still be trying to "win the girl over" you know? Make her feel like she's a queen and that by being with her, you feel special. Okay maybe that's too much to ask. (Can you tell this is semi how I feel about the guy that I'm sort of seeing right now?)
But really. I think one of my non-negotiables is the guy needs to make me feel special once in a while. (But of course I'll take more often than that... I mean comon. :) really.)
Even for platonic relationships I think this applies. Look at the girl that I almost cut out. And maybe this is my vice or something to do with my birth order. But really I just want to be shown that I'm special enough to the other person that they want to spend their precious limited time with me. Not their lawn. Not their car. Not their bros. And I know that sounds disgustingly needy but I'm not saying ALL the time. But like once in a while. And also if the romantic relationship is just starting, I think it should be even more! Haha. I feel like you should still be trying to "win the girl over" you know? Make her feel like she's a queen and that by being with her, you feel special. Okay maybe that's too much to ask. (Can you tell this is semi how I feel about the guy that I'm sort of seeing right now?)
But really. I think one of my non-negotiables is the guy needs to make me feel special once in a while. (But of course I'll take more often than that... I mean comon. :) really.)
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